Haunted

Just a little scribble that I wrote in about an hour while I was bored, enjoy.

Shadows flit in front of my eyes,

Skeletons of memories past haunt the remainder of my broken lies.

It doesn’t so much as hurt as it does kill,

Every little thing falling apart with skill.

The process is slow,

Agonizingly so,

Until you surrender.

Waving the white flag of failure and defeat,

You try to retreat,

From the memories and the monster that you have harboured so long.

An escape seems possible,

Though the chance is blindingly small.

An escape from it all,

What a sweet recall.

 

With hunched shoulders and a broken heart,

The pain and the demon return from the dark.

Bigger and stronger than ever before,

Your weakened body yearns for more.

For the comfort it provides,

And the commonality that it cries.

For the place that you know,

Above the place that is your foe.

A descent you take,

Spiraling down into despair,

A short journey in comparison,

To the one that climbs from the lair.

 

What little time it took,

For you to become so hooked.

With the anguish and the suffering,

You can’t take anymore buffering.

A last goodbye,

A final breath,

An end to it all,

What a sweet, sweet mess.

A skeleton of a person,

A mind destroyed,

A soul has been lost,

At a very large cost.

 

G.M

Reviews

[1Disawsum]

"Though the chance is blindingly small." doesn't flow as well as the rest of the lines above and below it.
"Your weakened body yearns for more" maybe you could add the word 'some' (in yearns for some more) it'll flow better, but it's just a thought/suggestion.
"Above the place that is your foe" one syllable too much!
I really think this poem is an art of work, and has the potential to becoming something bigger. That is the only reason I suggested you the above! I think you're a great writer with a lot of potential, I can see it just from this one poem. Your rhymes are amazing and you're very skilled at it, this poem is emotional and very descriptive, but not in a boring or so tone. I love the last stanza the most, especially the easy flow of words, it is like you are simply spilling the words onto paper from your mind, with no need to think or change things. Such graceful way with words, loved it.

"A skeleton of a person,
A mind destroyed,
A soul has been lost,
At a very large cost."
My favourite lines as well!!! Well done xx

[G.M]

Thankyou! I haven't written many poems and have only recently started, so you're feedback was fantastic. I will take your points on board and hope to keep improving my writing:) xx

[1Disawsum]

no problem, glad you found my advice and tips helpful! You will go far with some improvements, your writing has some potential excellence in it already!

[Mikayla_Stagg]

A way to really imoprove your flow is to use a specific rythem scheme. For eample, 10 beats, 8 beats , 10 beats, 8 beats throughout the poem. You can do more coplex ones too like 10 beats, 5 beats, 10 beats, 8 beats, and so on. It really helps the sound and flow of them poem :) Hope this helped!

[TimothyHollinghead]

Great emotional poem, and nice words manship!

[G.M]

Thankyou so much!