To My Stupid, Dysfunctional Fictional Character

To My Stupid, Dysfunctional Fictional Character

A Story by Emily Shae

For Creative Writing class...


OPAL: “My stupid, dysfunctional fictional character, you think you know me, but what you don’t about me is that I hate you.” [She grits teeth and makes a disgruntled face at the computer screen] “Ok, you might have known that, but what you don’t know is that I am your master and you are my literary slave. You exist because of me.” [Points a finger towards her chest; chin raised slightly to display a sense of superiority] “Maybe that’s why I am going out of my mind…I created you, an unruly monster with a beating heart and a knowing mind.

            “You are the most uncooperative fragment of my imagination that has ever dwelt in my spiraling thoughts and chicken scratch scribbles.” [Shakes head trying to dislodge any fragments of insanity caused by the unruly character in whom she’s addressing] “You are always fighting with me! You never want to do exactly what I want you to do, because it’s as if you would rather do something else"something besides what I intended you for. I wish that wasn’t the case. I might like you better if you were more submissive to my manipulation.” [She laughs sarcastically] “But you fight it so hard. It’s like trying to snap five pencils in half, only to have your hand feel like the pencils snapped you.

            “It’s frustrating; you always want to change your name.” [She flails her hands in the air, knocking her mouse of the table in the process] “What, are you not happy with what I call you? I like it actually, your name. Ivy, it’s pretty. But no…you don’t like your name. I search and search for names that you’d like"I should be the one that should really be happy with your name, for crying out loud!" and then, when you find a name that you like, ten minutes later you change your mind.” [She moves her left leg up and down in an agitated fashion. Her arms, now planted firmly onto the table, are tensely typing out a new string of words] “After that"after another round of pain medications to easy my migraine and the severe tendonitis in my wrists" another long Internet search for a name that would “fit” your personality commences.

            “It never fails; you go from being a Bonnie to a Flora in sixty seconds flat. Make up your mind! And then you can’t decide whether or not you like Todd"the guy you’re supposed to be dating. Gosh! He’s not that bad, really.” [She stops and places a hand on her cheek, thinking methodically, almost imagining Todd’s good looks] “Give him a chance you pernickety little pest. I know, he’s not that great of a kisser, but it’s not his fault his lower lip is disfigured. Football practice just happens to be a little dangerous if you’re not careful; especially when you’re not paying attention, and happen to run into the light post. How does that happen exactly? Well, I can tell you this,” [Moves hand from cheek and places it on hip. Then point her finger at the computer screen] “…at least Todd does what I tell him to do. You on the other hand…eh, you’re a different story.

            “Can you not just morph into the character I want you to be without causing me migraines or constantly making me make compromises? I don’t like doing that, you know. It’s not how I roll. But you don’t care, do you? You are just so caught up in your own little world that you don’t even see the insanity you’re causing me to go through.

            “Oh well, I suppose that’s for the best.” [She sighs, a little upset] “I mean, the less you have to worry about, the easier life"whatever life you have, which is probably more than mine"will be for you. Besides, you’re only fictional, right?” [She grins, and ejaculates a laugh dripping with more of that sweet sarcasm] “Of what importance am I to you? Hello! I made you. Oh sure, go ahead and ignore me.” [Flips hands around her head in protest] “Yeah, I feel special. Ok, well, I think my rant is over. Just keep these words in the back of your pretend mind and nibble on them with your false teeth for a while; see how they churn in your invisible stomach. I hope they make you sick with guilt"if you can even get sick.” [She bits lip and thinks for a moment] “If it were up to me you would be sick right now. But knowing you, you’re invincible to sickness. Oh joy!” [She smiles a heated, crooked smile]

© 2015 Emily Shae

Author's Note

Emily Shae
Basically Opal is having a one-sided, heated discussion with her character that won't do anything she instructs her to do. What do you think?

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Posted 11 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Ha-ha, thanks!

Posted 11 Years Ago

I think this is funny!!!

Posted 11 Years Ago

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3 Reviews
Added on September 25, 2011
Last Updated on April 2, 2015
Tags: characters, anger, sarcasm, silly


Emily Shae
Emily Shae

Cottontown, TN

I love to be artistic in my writing, sewing, and embroidery. I am a Martial Artist, a re-enactor, and an overall funny-dud. I am in a relationship with my personal Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ who is.. more..

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