Chapter one Part 0.5: Explaining the Passage

A brief explanation of the passage and an introduction to Silvia. If people like it, I might write more

I sat on the cold hickory barstool and watched as the world around me slowly lost color, fading into a sickly grey scale.  Gunshots went off, but they were quickly covered up by the humming that came with the grey. Here we go. Pulling on a soft, sympathetic smile, I bend down and meet a small girl standing in front of me. Her short, uneven, caramel hair fell around her around her face, just barely passing her chin. Tear streaks striped across her cheeks and her orange t-shirt was splatted with a red fluid that, if I didn't know better, I might have mistaken for ketchup.  Bruises dotted up her small thighs, and she was missing a pair of pants.  Eyes widening, she tilted her head back to look at me. I extended my hand to her, hoping she wouldn't question the process.
"It's time to go sweetheart," my silvery voice sliced through the monotone humming of the grey. 
"Go where?" she asked, curiosity dripping off her sweet voice.
This job never gets any easier. Suddenly, an intense pounding shook the dingy apartment. It was blurred by the grey, but it still startled me. 
"NEW KESOT POLICE DEPARTMENT, OPEN UP," yelled the person at the door. Oh no. That-that's why she didn't have any pants. I sighed. The door burst open, and several heavily armed police officers, along with a very discombobulated man. Oh no. His blond, disorganized hair clung to his panicked face as the officers stormed the apartment.

"Ollie?" The small girl perked up. Oh no, the poor thing. The poor adorable thing. "Ollie!"

Author's Note

Please help me. this story sucks. I don't even have a name yet.

Reviews

[JayG]

• Please help me. this story sucks.

It’s not a matter of how well or badly it’s written, talent, or potential. It’s that, like pretty much everyone else, because, you’re a victim of what I call, The Great Misunderstanding. No one ever tells us that because we learn only nonfiction writing skills in school, till that’s fixed, we CAN’T write fiction that won’t read like a report. It’s inherent to using those report writing skills.

Nonfiction, which we learned because it’s what employers need us to know, explains. Using nonfiction techniques we’d inform the reader that the wind-blown snow stung the character’s cheek.

But fiction’s goal is to provide an experience so real that we would make the reader feel the sting of the ice being blown by the icy wind.

Nonfiction tells the reader: “Zack paused at the schoolyard to watch the children. But that reminded him of Katie’s death, so he walked on.” The problem is, those words are true, accurate, and as exciting as reading a report, because the narrator, someone not on the scene, is talking ABOUT it, providing a second-hand recounting of events.

But, using the techniques of fiction, we might say something like, “The shrieks of children at play in the schoolyard took Zack back to when Katie had been part of that delightful chaos, and to memories of how that tiny voice would bring such warmth to his thoughts. For a time, he was transported back to before the accident by the joy that filled the schoolyard. But Katie was gone, and it was time to accept that, so, with a sigh, he turned away and walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes.”

By phrasing it that way—by mentioning the ambience of a playground—we make the reader recall sense-memories memories they have of such a situation, which helps set the mood. And notice that the narrator isn’t on stage. Instead the character is the one noticing and reacting, in real-time.

The technique I used is called Motivation/Response Units, or M/R U. It’s one very powerful way of drawing the reader into the story, emotionally. But, did a single teacher ever mention the technique’s existence? Of course not. Why? Because only fiction-writers need to know it. And if you think about it, they offer degree programs in Commercial Fiction Writing—which means that to write fiction, you need to acquire those skills. They’re not all that hard to master, or find. But they are necessary. After all, if we don’t truly know what a scene is, and the elements that make it up, can we write one?

So…the library’s fiction writing section can be a huge resource. Personally? I’d suggest starting with Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer, which recently came out of copyright protection. It's the best I've found to date at imparting and clarifying the "nuts-and-bolts" issues of creating a scene that will sing to the reader. The address of an archive site where you can read or download it free is just below. Copy/paste the address into the URL window of any Internet page and hit Return to get there.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

Try a few chapters. I think you’ll be glad you did.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Anonymous]

As the reader I am now have many questions and I am attached to the story now. I want to know who the main character is and what they are doing there. You wrote a perfect hook, please continue!

[Fnaf fan]

Hi Marrissa! I really enjoy this story and would love for you to write more!!!!!!!!!🐻🐻🐻🐻🐻🐻🐭🐭🐭🐭🐭🐭🐭🐼🐼🐼🐼🐼🐼🐼🐼🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐱🐱🐱🐱🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰. I really need to know what happens next!!!!!!!!! Please write more!

[Sel]

Protect the child at all costs. The diction chosen to paint the scene was clear, and made me feel like I was watching this event take place.

[Marrissa cardello]

Thanks! I've been trying to get better at describing scenes so this review made me very happy.And thank you for reading the story!

[Marrissa cardello]

The sad boy needs a kiss, or a kick. Let quin decide.