Of Our Own

A parking lot with empty spaces ,

Young laughter fills the air.

A drifter walking through our town,

To his eye nothings there,

But in these parts he doesn’t know

That everything is here.

 

A parking lot with faded lines,

To some it would seem droll,

But they don’t know of what we have,

Oh my, how they don’t know.

 

Surrounded by a wave of hills

And paths of the unknown,

A house for every step you take,

To some this would bring woe.

 

But we escape into a world

Created by ourselves,

We write adventure!

We fill the pages!

We supply those old bookshelves.

 

We’ll leap from cliffs ,

Venture in black caves,

Escape through walls of water.

We’ll walk dirt paths!

We’ll scale up crags!

As the days grower hotter, hotter.

 

And we’ll fly down hills,

Going way too fast,

With insouciance in our eyes,

Apart of the asphalt

It’s in our blood!

We’ll ride into the night.

 

We’ll look to the skyscrapers in the night,

A building tall and new.

For each construction that we see,

A perspective too us new.

 

    And when we’re done a small back porch,

Is where we’ll sit and dwell.

To the stars we gaze,

For perseid will rain,

the dust of the heavens has fell.

 

    So Don’t listen to the pessimistic

Who say there’s nothing here,

For they can’t see what we behold,

To us there’s no frontier.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

What do you think? Analyze, interpret, and critique and overall thoughts. Still some grammar issues... maybe.... still thinking of changing some of the grammar. Title coming soon.

Reviews

[JC]

For me, I see this as kids in parking lot, maybe with bikes, maybe with skateboards.

Adults just see the parking lot, they see so much more and as adults we tend to lose our imagination. Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn also made an appearance to me while I was reading it.

The meter is a little off in some places but not too much. Over all an enjoyable read.

Thanks for the invite!

JC

[DaGirlNxtDoor]

"we write adventure we fill the pages" love those lines! awesome poem

[black_rose_obsession]

"Surrounded by a wave of hills

And paths of the unknown,"

I really like those two lines they're my favorite, practically any lines that say the word unknown in them tend to intrigue me just because, I love having huge horizons when being able to thinki and this poem definately does that, it paint a vivdi picture, and makes you feel like your standing there with eyes wide open, it makes you feel, limitless though. I really loved it! Great and AMAZING poem! REALLY GOOD WRITE! REMEMBER KEEP WRITING!!

[Domo]

It drew a picture for me, nice poem, and great request! ☺
~Domo~

[J Carly]

"To the stars we gaze,

For perseid will rain,

the dust of the heavens has fell."

I really like the idea behind this, but with the grammar issues I'd try something different for the last two lines that still carries the same meaning. Perhaps something like "For Perseus will rain,/ heavenly dust, our thirst to quell" I don't know...I realize dust doesn't quell literal thirst, but I like the word quell...it rhymes more concretely with dwell, and with the metaphors and imagery, I just thought it might work. It's up to you, of course. I enjoyed the read, and the sense of mystery. Keep up the good work!

[A]

Love this! Sounds a lot like the little town I live in. :) I love the optimism and positivity in this piece. Great poem :)

[John McGrael]

i really like the idea behind the poem!!
and i really liked the parking lot imagery, when you said, "a parking lot with faded lines", i could really see it in my head
really good ideas

but i think i would like this more as a free verse, some of the rhymes seem forced to me....
(if theyre not, then im sorry, just just how i saw it :) )

[Edalene Connell]

I enjoyed this greatly. Well done.

[DOGACK]

and after we do retarted things well sit in rickys house and tell him of it

[Nik]

Ahh it will be a mystery unto all but me!