I realised

I realised

A Story by 5John17

Draft. A lot of grammatical errors but you get the point. It's a draft


Jon's little sister, Ren has cancer. However the doctors say they can cure it while its in its early stages however the treatment costs a million dollars. A company called M.E offers to pay the bill if goes through an experiment. Jon agrees as Ren was the only thing that willed him to life after his parents abandoned him. What trial could be worth a million dollars? The only thing he is told is that he must find the true meaning of life to succeed.

"Breaking news, a 20 year old kid called Jon body was found dead yesterday . He was caught up in the big mudslide yesterday. A total of 6 casualties were caught in the situation. 1 Death and 5 people with severe injuries........"

Ren the sister of the brother reported dead immediately broke into hysteria. After her parents abandoned her, her only support was her brother. "So that's how its is she thought. First abandoned by the parents, then abandoned by life (with her cancer) and now abandoned by hope (the loss of her brother). As the thoughts of how all her happiness will always be taken away echoed through her head, she began to laugh with a hint of insanity. The nurses alarmed by her behavior called the doctor. But it didnt take a doctor to know what had happened, she was depressed with a tinge of insanity that would only worsen.

However, Jon wasnt dead. He was in a dark room, watching a video of his sister in her fit of insanity. Jon was grief stricken and horrified by what he just saw . But in its midst he understood the trial. He would have to find meaning in his life when all its prior meaning was taken away from it.

© 2017 5John17

Author's Note

Please review

My Review

Would you like to review this Story?
Login | Register


So far rather intriguing, you have an idea beginning to develop that can go a ton of different ways and it will be interesting to see where you take it. Aside from that however you tend to write certain details twice, an example being "a boy was found dead yesterday. he was caught up in a big mudslide yesterday". Also I think saying "abandoned by her body" would be better than saying "abandoned by life". The last thing I would like to point out is your use of parenthesis in this instance is completely unnecessary i think the reader should able to infer what you mean when you say "abandoned by hope" etc without spelling it out in parenthesis so long as you clearly paint the idea that here brother was her only hope to survive cancer and the trauma of losing her parents earlier in the story. Show dont tell and work on the flow of your sentences. Good luck on your editing mate, cheers.

Posted 1 Year Ago

Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


1 Review
Added on December 30, 2017
Last Updated on December 30, 2017
Tags: Amazing




I am 19 more..

Bitter Sweet Bitter Sweet

A Story by 5John17