Poem 29. I Cannot Say Goodbye

My love, speak! Let me know, what's going on?
Oh, how brute you are in this heart of mine
Let me survive in this misery soon
How can I come at the end of the line?
The day I discerned that we’re through was clear
What should’ve been done? I don’t know, I just cried
With this love, I felt this world is not fair
You made me believe, cheated me, you lied.
Can’t get over with your thoughts anymore
I love you still and I hope, and I pray
Wishing that we could walk along the shore
Holding your hands so I won't feel astray.
I still can’t forget you. Oh, how can I?
For until now I cannot say goodbye.

Author's Note

Reviews

[Rogue]

Hi. :)
You asked me to read this and give you an opinion.
Your steps are very good throughout. The five feet per line clearly there. Ba Boom, Ba Boom, etc..
What is missing here is the underlying piece. We have the main idea of love, heartbreak and longing.. But there is no secondary beneath it.
Since you liked mine, I will use it as an example:
The above piece talks about the beauty and glory of heaven and how it is there and open to all
The sub story is how man fails to recognize this in their determination to be tied to all that is material, idealistic and unimportant on the Earth.

So, in a sense we need two stories here.. The one about your love and move his actions to an underlying story about just him. Remember, whenever you change the rhyme pattern in a sonnet, you change the thought. This enables you to move back and forth between the two concepts in each quatrain.

An example only for your piece:

"My love, speak! Let me know, what's going on?
Fairest of nature; cursed blue of your eyes
Let me survive in this misery soon
Traitorous heart cloaked in red, a disguise"

Here we have the beginnings of your story: Your feelings
And the beginnings of his story: Who he is

Hope this helps. You are on the right track. :)

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

Thanks a lot. I love your suggestion, but I am afraid I can't think of the changes I should make on the next quatrain. I will study your sample first. I hope I can make it. Thank, dear poet. :)

[Zoe Marie Ross]

This is a well written sonnet about the heartbreak you suffered, and the confusion this caused as a result. Brilliant.

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

Thanks, Zoe. :)

[Sami Khalil]

Wow. This is a nice piece of poetry...Thank you for penning...:)

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

Thanks, Sami. Actually, I have a problem with this piece. I want to try writing a sonnet but I think it's impossible here. I can't cope up with the required structure. I'm just waiting for more suggestions.
Thanks for appreciating it. :)

[Sami Khalil]

I understand ...You are welcome...:)

[gabrielle]

the voice in this piece appears to be caught in a web of confusion and doubt. i do not know for sure why she appears reluctant to let go. Perhaps, the joy or advantage of holding on far outweighs her desire to let go. Glad that you mentioned that this was written in dash, i was about to point it out that this was written haphazardly (i made this note based on the quality of your previous work).

With respect to the form and structure. i compared the basic structure of a sonnet vis-a-vis your poem and made the following observations:

Number of lines in sonnet: 14 > you have achieved this
Rhyme scheme: abab cdcd efef gg > you followed it
Number of syllables: 10 or 12 > you may still have to work on it as the number of syllables per line varies
Meter: iambic pentameter> i have to be honest on this one. I do not know what kind of animal is this. lol.

While following a certain structure/format gave a poem a classic touch, i feel that the ultimate goal of poetry is to evoke thoughts or feelings based on the substance. Kabayan, i am not well-equipped with technical knowledge in literary writing, i am only familiar with the basic information. This is the reason why i have some reservations in making this "format-based comment." Like i said before, you may check the works of Shakespeare for better reference. Hay, eto na ang pinakamahaba kong comment. i hope it helps.

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

Thank you so much, Gab. That's true. I admit all what you've said as the result of this first try in making such kind of poem. Maybe I did not study the info well, for I only know now that there should be exact number of syllables per line. Hehe. Actually I have my new version here but I think I have to review this first before posting it here. I really appreciate your very informative review to me. I like constructive reviews like this, anyway you knew that already because I asked you before to help me. And it really helped a lot.
Thanks again. :)