Drill bit

I wrote this for a guy who didn't want to talk to me after awhile because I had found someone new, but I didn't know what'd I would do if I wasn't talking to him so instead of talking I wrote this.

The beeping hospital noise surrounds me as I wake up in a blank room. I have no memory of how I got here, maybe a giant party with drinks lead me to this strange room. The drinks might explain my excruciating headache, I should hope that is the reason and that i’ll only be a few hours late for school. I feel through my hair before getting up off the bed just like I do every morning. I feel something wet and crusty slide through my fingers, but I leave it incase it’s puke. The beeping noise becoming even more high pitch and longer; almost as if it was tracking a heart beat slowly dying. Obviously it’s not my heart beat because I can feel it pounding against my rib cage. Harder and harder it pounds as I try to make it to the door from across the bed. What is happening to me? What kind of drug fucked me up last night? As I make it to the door, I’m afraid my heart has bounced out of its containing caged body and out onto the floor. I haven’t been this fucked up since Will’s massive party last year when I got alcohol poisoning and woke up in Ms.Evans pool on a floating device with puke surrounding me. The cold handle of the door comes as a shock to my body, it makes me feel dizzy and I need to rest for a second. The sound of the beeping has continued to increase and increase, I close my eyes to see if that will give me any justice. This is some kind of magic drug I must have taken last night, I must be still hearing things. Why is mom crying so hard? Why can I hear that right now? I open my eyes and grab the doorknob to turn it open. A million screams come running through, I can hear Maddison’s heart drop and her yell. It isn’t the yell she last had with me, it wasn’t any kind of joke or followed with a small laugh. I can hear the tear dropping of dads wrinkled cheek and I can hear a young lady, “There is nothing we can do for him now”. I continue to open the door, it pains me, every muscle in my body aches. I can feel a thick liquid substance run down my face, mixing with all my sweat. It must be blood, but from what? What is happening? This couldn’t have been because a drug, this can’t just be a bad trip. I manage to swing open the door after the many minutes standing there trying, my muscles collapse on the ground and so do I. The lights become brighter and brighter, it’s snowing softly from the white ceiling lights. It’s so beautiful, I don’t feel any pain anymore; just limp. I don’t even turn my cheek to see what was past the door. I just  lay flat on the ground admiring all the pretty snow flakes falling which become gradually more and more until my eyesight is covered in a luminous white. I must be sleeping now.

Few hours later...

Three people who must be some kind of doctor stand over my body. I can only faintly hear them, they must not know i’m already awake.

“Do you think he’s ready now?”

I try to open my eyes slightly or even move an inch to see who is talking but I don’t make it to be able to.

“Definitely not, he needs more rest or else what he sees might put him in shock. I know that

from my experience, the first few hours is the worst.”

The voices switch from a soft women's voice to a scruffy deep mans voice.

“True enough, don’t you think he should’ve stayed longer in the white waiting room?”

“Possibly, but he chose to come out and not go back to the living world. There’s nothing we can do for him now.”

My brain is now completely puzzled, how did I make this giant decision without knowing? What the f**k is going on.

“Wait, listen. His lips are moving!” I can hear that is the girl, a high pitched squeaky girl

“Is he trying to talk?”

“No Nancy, he’s f*****g seizuring!”

Probably a few hours later….

I can still hear everyone around me, they must have put a giant needle in my wrist because I can feel the bruising of a vein. I open one eye to peek and see if anyones there, not sure if these people are wanting to hurt me or help me. The coast is clear so I try to get up; this time it’s so easy. I can move without any pain, or headaches. I brush through my hair, although this time there is a large chunk of what feels like to be metal sticking out of my brain. What the f**k. I try to pull it out but it’s certainly wedged in there. Crusty blood chunks fall to the ground as I touch it. This might explain the blood that was dripping down my face.

Before I can think of any other conclusion or possibility to why there is a piece of metal sticking out of my head, a young girl comes flying through the doors to the room. “Hi, you’re finally awake!” This must be Nancy, I can tell because of the last time I was awake there was a high pitched voiced girl named Nancy. This is definitely her, the voice fits the preppy look.

“Wow … You went through a lot to get here huh?” She asks. I’m honestly so confused right now, if someone said pizza I still might not understand. “I’m not sure what you mean.. Where am I?” Nancy’s face looks extremely excited, a scary kind of excited. “Oh my gosh, nobody told you!” Well of course, Nancy; they didn’t tell me and that is why i’m asking. “This is where you go after you decide to kill yourself! It’s so great, it’s honestly just like a little escape from the real world!” She smiles, she smiles a lot or maybe too much after saying this. I know it’s must be just a bad dream, but I need to ask. “So I killed myself?” “Of course Brayden, how else would you have gotten here? The drill bit must have made it a quick pass so you’re one of the lucky ones. I was stuck on a bottle of pills before the failed to pump my stomach for the second time” She smiles and swings herself around the room, she’s happy about this news. She’s humming some kind of song which seems to be familiar but I can’t quite think of the lyrics. This builds up a million questions in my head  because my dreams have never been this bizarre before. “Can you tell me anything more? Where am I really? Is this a crazy dream? Shouldn’t you be wearing black? Why does this look like a hospital? What song are you humming? I know that song.” My tone of voice must have been too harsh and scary for her because she stops twirling and walks towards the bed i’m still sitting on.

“Oh right, right..” Her voice becomes softer and softer as she comes closer. “You’re probably thinking you’re going crazy right now!” She jumps up on the bed like a little kid to sit next to me. “I remember that feeling my first few days, but after awhile you start to realize there is no waking up and it’s quite nice here. This is the mental hospital heaven, well that is what I call it because it honestly doesn’t have a name and you can’t escape this building. Some people call it ‘the way out’, ‘middle land’ or god forbid! I hate when people call it the ‘inbetween!’” She stops to catch her breath. Her voice starts slower again but I can imagine it will go full speed once she’s talking. “This is not a dream Brayden, you can’t get out and I hope you said goodbye to everyone you love before you left!” It sounds happy when she says it, but it becomes sad in my head when I start to believe what she’s saying and realize I didn’t even say goodbye to the girl I love; instead I fought with her.

A loud knock on the door followed by a large black man come through the door, it must be the owner of the deeper voice. “Son! Oh you’re awake! I thought you were a goner!” This must be some kind of joke for people that have been here longer to understand, I don’t find it funny at all. He continues to talk to Nancy, “there’s someone who just got here, I think her name’s Madison or Madi? Could you go keep her company when she wakes up?” This rings a major bell in my head, my maddison; my girl. She followed me here without knowing what she’d be getting into. “Where is she?” I yell, “where’s she?” Nancy starts to run out the door humming the same song as before. I decide to follow her to try to get to madi. “ I remember the song! I got it from Maddison, She sings so nicely in her sleep! Do you know my friend Maddison?” I don’t answer her, i’m too concentrated on the need to find Madi and be with her.

We run throught the blank white halls, over and over; I feel, like we’re going in circles so I stop. Nancy notices and she turns around, “Finally! I didn’t want to play chase forever!” She talks like a little kid and i’m frustrated now. “A game of chase? I thought we were trying to find Madi?” She laughs, “her name is maddison! And follow me this way!” She opens the first door to the left and there’s Madi. She’s covered in blood and black mascara. “Madi!” I yell, although she’s right there. Madi lifts up her head as I run to her, she cries even harder and I hug her. “Where are we?” She asks but her voice doesn’t seem to stop shaking. I don’t answer, I just hold her and hope she stops crying. I hate when she cries. And I know she is very hurt, I know there is something terrible that made her kill herself. F**k there’s something terrible that made me kill myself too; like who the f**k puts a drill bit through their skull?

Nancy comes in and does almost the same talk as she had with me but calmer, probably because she’s crying so hard. She explains things she didn’t explain to me. Like ‘the waiting room”, which is a white room that you stay in until either doctors can’t help you and you die or you make it to the other side of the room to open the door to this world. She explains more about the place too, like you never age and other really messed up things. I’m surprised she didn’t say there’s monster under every bed or something. Nancy goes on and on until finally Madi stops crying, then she leaves without saying a word; which is very kind of weird for her.

Madi lays down on her bed. I lay down next to her, this is the first time in months she let herself in my arms; “are you alright Maddison?” She doesn’t answer me. “Madi?” Then out of nowhere she pushes me, as if I didn’t have enough today. “How could you!’ She yells, “ I want to hit you! Do you understand that? Just go away!” I’ve fallen off the bed, she starts crying even harder now; I think there is no more make up so wash away with tears now. I get up and brush myself off, “what did I ever do wrong to you?” She points at the back of her head, “you did this! You f*****g did this because you f*****g did another girl!’ I can’t possibly understand her until she turns around and I see a matching drill bit to the one in the side of my head, but then I still don’t understand. “How could I have done that to you if I was dead first?” I ask, but then I realize it was a stupid question because this is a place for everyone that has killed themselves, I made her kill herself. She starts crying the hardest ever now, as if I just forced her into thinking of every little reason why I made her life unlivable. Madi opens her mouth but the only thing that comes out is cracks of her voice, she’s really trying to speak but she can’t. I know she just really needs a hug...

And then, right as I’m about to put my arms around her, i’m punched in my face.

Hard, just like she always used to pretend to do it, she now managed to and it seemed like she has quite the reasoning.

I fall to the floor and pass out once again.

Some time later ….

“Brayden? Are you alright?” Madi’s voice is almost fine now, I try to open my eyes to see her face again. And then it hits me, I can remember. I can remember I did something terrible that I knew I shouldn’t have done. The look on my face confirms with Madi that we both know now, we continue to just look at each others faces for sometime. Not the way we used to, not checking what eye colour they have, where their freckles are or trying to tell one another we think they are beautiful. We didn’t look at each other like that this time, we just looked at the familiar face and wondered how the f**k we got here. Then she talks, it’s her sweet high toned voice; “I’m sorry too.” Then we just stay there again, looking at each other without really seeing or thinking properly. We haven’t properly talked in a few months ever since Madi started talking to that other boy, this is the first time i’ve really looked at her since and I can tell it hurts the both of us. “Can we talk about it?” She asks and then takes my hand, knowing I will say yes. We’re holding hands again, this time it feels so unfamiliar. I have to let go.

Madi leads me to a big glass door, which then leads to a balcony. You’d think that we’re somewhere in space, but the look out is just black. The landscape is pure black space.

“Maybe we’re stuck in a box.. A big box with a little house that looks like a hospital for all of the sad people, maybe there is some giant hand that controls us and always puts us beside each other?” This is the part where i’m supposed to say ‘you’re crazy to think that’, but it’s a brilliant idea honestly. And I start to cry, I don’t even know why i’m crying but I am. It’s just soft tears falling down my cheek and I can’t stop it. Madi comes closer and hugs me, I  accept it this time.

“Do you remember what you left me before you killed yourself?” She laughs a little as she says this. We break the hug and she pulls out a wrinkled piece of paper with terrible writing on it, “I’M TRYING TO RELIEVE THE PAIN.”

It explains why I chose to drill a hole into my skull, I was trying to relieve it; just leak some of the hurting out of me but I guess that didn’t work. If it would’ve worked without killing me, that could have been cool. We both laugh a little at this, it seems pathetic we both did it and ended up here although, I don’t really know her reason for killing herself.

“Why did you do it?” I ask.

“Do what?”

“You killed yourself, why would you do that? You had stuff going the right way in you life, you had someone new too.”

“Yah, I might have but I didn’t want to continue on without you; especially after all we’ve been through and i knew you we’re hurt.”

“But you could have easily done it.”

“No, it’s not easy living without you. It’s hard, even if I have someone knew in my life, it’s f*****g hard. You can’t just wake up one day and pretend not to be hurt that your best friend hates you and slept with another girl. Those things scare me, so much.”

“But you don’t feel the same as I do, I love you and i’m just your best friend. That hurts really bad too”

“You are my best friend, and I do love you so much, i’m not just saying that.

Do you think I can even believe that you really love me when you were already in bed with someone else?”

We sit there for awhile without saying anything after that, of course I do have strong feelings for her. For f***s sake she should know that by now, but if I did really do something with another girl then I would understand where she’s coming from.

“I get that,” I say even though I really don’t understand what’s going on between us.

“Should we take a break of talking?” I ask.

“It doesn’t make sense to, I still think of you as my best friend and the one I tell everything to. Why after all this time would we give this up? You can’t disappear to another country forever or kill yourself, we’re always gonna end up somewhat together. Even at school, we’d see each other in the hallway or playing basketball, and then what? Would we pretend to hate each other because we both messed up? What would happen?

She can’t stop going off, I don’t even know how to feel about any of this.

“We’re anyways stuck here in this fucked up after life,” she continues. “Please just choose if you want to be my friend or if you want me to just be some number on your contact list. Just please choose, this hurts still.”

Madi walks away and leaves me on the balcony alone to think. There is nothing but this black space of nothing to look at. There is nothing to look at anymore, but I still can’t choose. Even if I did do it or not, or if this is a dream or not, I can’t-

4 months later….

They say it’s uncommon for a person to be out this long in a coma and wake up, but after the surgery to remove the drill bit from my head and the amount of pain killers; I did finally wake up from the longest/weirdest dream ever.

And of course, I couldn’t tell anyone about this crazy dream because then they might actually put me in a mental hospital; which is exactly what I didn’t want from the experience of the dream. Either that or I didn’t want to be stuck with the person I like and dislike the most, because that is the hardest thing to deal with.

Knowing or not.

When I woke up I thought of her and then I thought of all these other weird things. Like the boxed world theory, and the theory of speed and velocity; why is air so heavy? Why is it hard to keep your head stable when your going 200 km/h in a car but you can’t turn your head sideways on a motor bike going 60 km/h? How can one friend be so happy to see you and then hate you the next time they pass by? How could one friend be living, and then die. How does life and death happen? Are we composting bodies?

And I kept and kept thinking.

Why can someone mean so much one day, and the next mean nothing? Why can people change feelings? It would be so much simpler if they didn’t, just like fruit. It’d be a lot easier if they didn’t rot. But then again, we need to have compost and try to fix the earth, fruit would just be more garbage if we couldn’t compost it.

Just like us, we’d be garbage if we wouldn’t be able to fix something like this, I’m not saying that we are composting and fixing but I just want us to be at least ok.

I don’t want a garbage friendship that looks away from each other in the halls when the other is passing and can’t shoot hoops together at lunch.

And I don’t care if you need to loose our streak on snapchat just to think about things, I just don’t want to lose us.

And yes, I know this is the world possible ending to any story ever; but I didn’t know how else to do it.