Strictly Friends

Strictly Friends

A Story by Hassan99
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A guy reflects on his past decisions, after a struggle with depression he looks to make things right.

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It had been six months since I last saw her. I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss her, I did. I missed her touch and the way she looked at me when I complimented her; even the way that the color of her eyes changed from hazel to amber when she got mad. Her eyes were that amber color the last time I saw her when I left her standing in her living room.  I remember that there was broken glass everywhere and I had a cut on the side of my cheek that was a bright red, the same color of the Christmas ornaments that were untouched on the tree. I can see it all now, in my mind’s eye, her eyeliner was smudged from the tears. F**k, I had forgotten the tears.

What am I doing? Those where bad memories, my therapist, whom I had been seeing for the past six months, taught me to put those behind me and forget about them. It was a warm July night, about 70 degrees with an occasional cool breeze coming from the ocean that tasted like sea salt and good times. The breeze triggered good memories that had gotten jumbled up with all the bad ones that I had locked into that bad part of my heart. It reminded me of the first time we walked on the beach together two years ago.

 

I remember her showing up at my window asking me if I wanted to go for a walk “strictly as friends.” I remembered looking at the clock and not caring that it was 2:00 in the morning, and putting on my rugged, torn-up hoodie and sneaking out with her.

“Are you’re parents gonna care that you’re gone?” she had asked me, a nervous smile playing on her lips.

“Nah, I’m pretty sure that they would prefer it that way actually,” I told her.

“Well you seem to have as many problems as me so lets run away, away, away from them!” She giggled, her teeth shined white in the night, and she grabbed my arm and pulled me along as she ran towards the ocean.

I remembered being free for what felt like the first time in my life as we walked along the beach just talking (“strictly as friends”) about everything that was going on in our lives. She told me about her mom, who was battling cancer. I felt like I had to be friends with her, you can’t get that personal with someone and be just a regular friend. Things had changed, she could finally confide in me and I could confide in her, even though we had been friends for our entire lives, we were never best friends, and that walk on the beach, with the cool breeze blowing, is what made us best friends.

 

I snapped out of it. I wasn’t too far from her house, maybe a mile or so, I was nervous. I was really nervous to see her, which I found strange because I had never felt nervous to see her before. I didn’t like it so I decided to focus on something else. I looked across the street and saw the “Capuano’s Pizza Restaurant” sign.

 

That was where her and I would go after school at least twice a week to eat pizza and do homework. We knew Tony, the head chef, so well that he knew what we were going to order without us even telling him. We would go in and he would greet us with a smile and say, “Look! It’s the couple that never was,” and we would both smile and tell him to stop, but I thought about it and wondered, why shouldn’t we give it a try? I’m not sure but I’m pretty sure she had those thoughts too. We never confronted the other about them, but there was a tension there that I couldn’t put my finger on.

 

I kept walking, I found myself wondering how exactly I could walk to her house without getting lost and be lost in my thoughts at the same time, when it dawned on me that I had memorized how to get to her house. For some reason that resonated with me more than the memories and flashbacks that I had gotten on the way to her house. How did I mess up our friendship six months ago? How goddamn stupid was I to walk away from her six months ago? I remember why the fight had started, what I don’t remember is, is why I said “no”. Maybe it was the depression that she didn’t know about, maybe it was just nerves, I don’t know.

 

We had gotten back from Capuano’s, her hair still had some sand in it from the beach but it sort of blended in with her dirty blonde hair so I didn’t mention it. Tony had been really on us at the restaurant, asking us why we still aren’t dating, usually when Tony brought it up I just smiled and let her talk us out of it, but that night I looked at Tony and said, “T, listen man, if we dated and it didn’t work out, you can’t go back from that,” I looked at her, I looked her deep into her caramel eyes and told her, “we are best friends, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything in the word, there are so many things that I would loose if we stopped talking, I mean the late night conversations, the early morning walks on the beach, just so much of me would be different that I wouldn’t be me, if I didn’t have you.” I wanted to tell her about the depression and that while there was a part of me that wanted to make our relationship something more but this was not the time. Depression changes you, it makes you realize what’s really important, she was the one thing I couldn’t lose.

“I’m gonna go,” she said quickly and she rushed out of the little restaurant.

Tony looked at me, “trouble in paradise my man?” I rushed out after her but she was gone with the wind, it had started to rain and I didn’t want to get wet so I jogged back to my house wondering what I did. She had never acted like that. I didn’t know whether to call her or whether to wait until tomorrow. Eventually, I was so confused and worried that I decided to drive to her house to see her and make her feel better. After I got to her house it was a blur, I remember her saying that she wanted us to be something more because you “can’t spend that much time with another person and not develop feelings, its against the human law.” I remember wanting to tell her about the issue that I was dealing with, I was depressed and I couldn’t handle a relationship right now. I didn’t. I lied to her, I told her that I didn’t want to date her because we were too close, it would ruin everything. She got madder and madder, her eyes turned that dangerous amber color, and I was getting more defensive. We both said some bad, even terrible stuff, I had never been in a fight that huge and I never would have thought that it would be with her. It was getting really bad until I finally said something that crossed the line, I told her that the only reason I was friends with her was because her mom was sick and now that she was better, I didn’t have to talk to her anymore. She slapped me, cutting my cheek. She started throwing things and I left. A month later I met her at Capuano’s and we made up, she said she missed me and she wanted to hang out again, and have things go back to the way that they used to be. I told her that that sounded great and that I wanted the same thing. I didn’t mean it though. I had enough issues of my own. I was losing the battle with depression, without her I was completely lost and as much as I wanted to talk to her, I didn’t want to drag her down with me. Depression is messed up, it eats you up from the inside and it makes you feel like you’re drowning. There is nothing worse than being alone, but you don’t want to go out for fear that your friends will point out your insecurities. When you are depressed, all you want to do is make sure that no one else feels the way that you do, especially your best friends, because while it may be too late for you, they can still live a happy life. So, you isolate yourself, you don’t talk to them and you keep to yourself. You hurt even more but its worth it because your friends are doing great. All I was doing was being a good friend and letting her be, that’s what I told myself. That’s what friends are for.

 

I’m on her street. I see her car in the driveway, I want to tell her that I’m so sorry, I had changed and now, I’m ready to take our friendship to that higher level. I wasn’t ready for her six months ago but now, I am. I know that she’s waiting for me, I can feel it, the nervous energy that I had felt before was replaced with excitement. I’m going to tell her everything about the depression, the recovery process, gosh I can’t wait to see her beautiful eyes and her hair, the color of the sand. The cool ocean breeze is blowing against me, which has to be a sign from a higher power telling me that I am going to do this and be alright. I walk up her front steps and ring the doorbell ready to conquer the world. I knock on her door. She opens it.

“Hey” I say,

“Hey” she says, her eyes are amber, but her face is full of regret and sympathy?

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t ready 6 months ago but I am now. Please, let me explain everything. I’m different, I’m, I am better” I say,

“It’s been five months,” she tells me, she looks over her shoulder worriedly.

“Babe who is that?” I hear from inside her house.

My heart stops, for a minute everything stops. I look around, bewildered, confused, angry, depressed. “Who is that?” I manage, my throat is closing up, f**k am I getting misty eyes?

“That’s my boyfriend, look, getting over you was the hardest thing I have ever done and, I can’t open up this door again, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” she tells me, her eyes stone cold. Who was she? I didn’t even recognize her.

I look at her, “please” I say,

“Don’t look at me like that” she says, her eyes are filled with tears and she looks at me for a second that feels like forever and says, “Please leave,” and she shuts the door, leaving me out in the street.

I wandered aimlessly for the next hour; I didn’t know what to do. I thought depression was the worst pain I could feel but obviously I was wrong because this feeling was worse. I felt as if the warmth and hope had been taken out of me. I hated her, everything that I thought she was, was a mistake. The person I had remembered was gone, and was replaced with a newer version. It was in this moment that I decided never to speak to her again. She had moved on, without me. If she is happy, I would have to make do. That’s what friends are for. I smiled as the breeze stopped, and walked to the end of the pier. I looked down into the black sea, and thought of her and the pain that she had caused in return for the pain that I had caused her. I looked over the edge, and then I look behind me, the worst was behind me I thought, and I stepped over the edge and fell down, down into the sea and away from the problems. “Away, away, away.”

 



HASSAN

© 2015 Hassan99


Author's Note

Hassan99
This is the first time I'm sharing my writing on a website, I would really appreciate some reviews, please be honest, I'm trying to get better, thanks!

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Reviews

Amazing story full of emotion. I enjoyed reading this!

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Hassan99

8 Years Ago

Thank you very much! I just saw this but this review means a lot thanks!
When I was reading this story I felt as if it was coming from a deeper place. I felt like you actually put real emotions and experiences into it, even if it is a piece of fiction. It added a warming and sincere touch to the story. I think you would make a great lyrical writer (one that focuses deeply on emotion rather than plot per se). I wish you had let us see more into the main character's life, however. I wanted to know why he has having problems with his family and what he was so insecure about. It would add another layer of complexity to his life, rather than just concentrating on the love of this girl.

I enjoyed this, thanks for sharing. :)

Posted 8 Years Ago


Hassan99

8 Years Ago

Thank you so much! This review is so nice, thank you so much for reviewing!
This is a beautiful story, one that touches and fleshes out the depth of human emotions at its most raw and vulnerable. Tragically beautiful indeed :)

Posted 8 Years Ago


Hassan99

8 Years Ago

Thank you so much! You have no idea how much positive feedback means to me, so truly thank you very .. read more
Anne Verona

8 Years Ago

No problem :)
I won't go into the grammar and technical issues as that has already been done.

I thought this story has great potential but i think more is needed. You give some hints about the depression he had battled but I think you have to hook the reader in more. When you are in the grips of that kind of depression you are in a really dark place: everything seems pointless, you feel worthless. I think you should sraw out the idea that he felt he didn't deserve her; that he could never been what she needed. Meeting her new boyfriend must have reinforced this and made him feel like there was nothing worth having.

I hope this helps

Posted 8 Years Ago


Hassan99

8 Years Ago

Thank you so much, like I said I'm just looking to get better and be the best writer that I can be, .. read more
You make me understand the depression this young man was feeling, and that generates some sympathy for him, even though he got what he deserved. Women don't wait months for a man to decide how he feels. I would end the story with the sentence "That's what friends are for," because that 's the whole point of it. Havine him jump into the sea to get away from his problems doesn't feel right.

I have a few technical suggestions:

That was where her and I would go after school at least twice a week to eat pizza and do homework.Don't say "her and I"; it's bad grammar. Say "she and I," or "the two of us."
... there are so many things that I would loose if we stopped talking, (It's "lose" not loose."

Posted 8 Years Ago


Hassan99

8 Years Ago

Yeah grammar has been a difficulty of mine, and while I did write this at 12:30 in the morning, it i.. read more
Let's get some technical stuff out of the way. It's boring and unpleasant, hehe. You've got some grammar issues you need to edit. And be careful of easy errors. There's a 'you're' for a your. And some poor word choices. 'Bad' in back to back sentences right in the beginning parts. Stuff like that. Find a 'better' word for one of those bads! :) And a whole slew of 'friends' in that one paragraph.

Now, the fun stuff!
You had some real strong stuff, too! I *love* the line about the ocean air smelling like sea salt and good times!!
And the pain was evident, given a great voice. In the ending, where you circle back around to "away, away, away" I smiled. Well done.

You need to do 2 things going forward...
1. Don't hesitate to share anymore!:)
This is a welcoming community.

2.Fix up some of your technical issues. Grammar, word repetitions and punctuations/capitalizations. I think you have a nice piece here.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Hassan99

8 Years Ago

Thank you, this review means so much, for me writing is a way to get away from the real world and ju.. read more

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Added on June 23, 2015
Last Updated on June 23, 2015
Tags: sad, story, depression, romantic

Author

Hassan99
Hassan99

Princeton, NJ



About
I'm 16 years old and I love to free write! more..

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That Moment That Moment

A Story by Hassan99



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