Prolouge

It was Career’s Day in the Second Grade at Brook Creek Elementary and all the second graders and their parents had filed into the gym. Each student was to dress up like the career they wanted to have when they grew up and write a “speech” about it. They had all practiced their speeches like crazy for the past week, so that when it was their turn they could walk up the stage and present their speech for all the kids and parents. Everyone seemed very nervous.
Most kids were dressed in big white lab coats and holding little cases or stuffed puppies, pretending to be veterinarians or doctors. Other students had dressed up like teachers, business people, and scientists. A few children were firefighters, police men, and horseback riders.
In the back row sat three girl and their parents. One girl was dressed in a sparkly red dress and was holding a microphone. Her name was Katrina Mari. Katrina had a love for theater. She wanted to be a big Broadway star! Everyone knew Katrina could follow her dreams, she was very determined. Mrs. Mari had tried to keep Katrina away from the idea in the beginning, worrying that it would only bring her let down after let down, but in the end she gave in and let Katrina dream of becoming an actress.
Next to Katrina sat Lora. Lora had on a pair of black pants and long turtle neck. Her thin blonde hair hung at her shoulders. In her hand she clutched a silver flute. It had been her Grandmother’s. Her grandmother had taken it with when she moved from France as a child. It was Lora’s most prized possession. She smiled fondly at the instrument and then smiled up at her mother who put an arm around her.
The third girl sat wistfully next to them both. Her black hair was pulled back into a bun, but a few threads trickled down. She was wearing tights, a leotard, a big, fancy, puffy, tutu, and on her feet were her delicate ballet slippers. She wasn’t smiling or frowning, just watching. Her name was May and more than anything in the world she wanted to be a ballerina.
Each studentl took their turn at the microphone in front of the crowd to give their speech. Katrina did an excellent job and delivered a great speech. She glowed as she spoke and each one of her words told a story. Her face reflected her words and it was obvious she was enjoy every second of it. Lora did alright. She was very shy and nervous, so her voice was barely over a whisper, but those who could hear her could tell she was very talented in picking words and did a very good job of it.
May went last. She walked up to the microphone and took one look at the all the people and froze up. She felt all nervous inside and a little sick too. So, May decided to dance. Right there, on the gym stage, in front of everyone! Whenever May was scared, she would dance, so since she was terribly nervous she started to dance. Everyone just stared as she gracefully sprang into the air and landed gently. They watched as she spun lightly on her toes and kicked her legs high into the air. They watched as she bended and balanced, as she stretched and chassed. They just watched, and that moment they all knew something- May was going to be a dancer.

 

Author's Note

This is my novel that I've been dedicated to writing for a while. This is my third draft. Let me know what you think.

Reviews

[Wolf_Moon]

I have to agree with Jenthura. It isn't as smooth as it ought to be. You should reread it and edit like crazy. Your style of writing is okay for a first person narrative, but for a third person, there needs to be more description.

I like your ideas, that of the born ballet dancer, and also that when it was her turn, she danced, but you need to execute it better.

[horsecrazy26]

The prologue is supposed to be vague for this story. I meant to only capture a tiny moment of the girl's childhood before switching to later in their life (their sixth grade year) and how they have expanded and developed from their younger selves. The rest is much more descriptive and detailed, but the beginning is supposed to lack same in depth-ness, more of what a person just sitting their watching would notice but not necessarily remember.

[Jenthura]

Third draft? Not to be offensive or insulting, I think you need to work it out more. I'm not downgrading the idea, just the writing. If It's a novel chapter, I believe it needs to be longer, trying filling it with more description.
Dialogue is always helpful, and here there is none, perhaps including Katrina's speech?
A dash of clarity would be a welcome addition for your story, but it is yours, and I suppose you don't intend to rewrite it?