Lovespell

I want to stay

To know you more

I want to stay
And listen more to your stories

Oh I love them all
I love our late night calls

I want to stay
I want you to tell me more about your day

I want to stay longer
So I can tell you everyday to take care

But the longer I stay
The harder it hurts

It hurts seeing you wait for her
It hurts seeing you trapped in her lovespell

It hurts that I'm not the one you need
It hurts that I met you a little too late

It hurts to wish that I am her
Cos it's a wish that God should not hear

But God, please a little bit longer
Maybe he'll have a change of heart in a little bit sooner

~~

S.

Author's Note

06-05-2023 I say goodbye to thee. You take care, always. Cos in this world where we never meet, I'll love you in my own way, in a distance, and in silence.

S.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

With love, we do need hope.
"But God, please a little bit longer
Maybe he'll have a change of heart in a little bit sooner"
The above lines. I have known and thank you my friend for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Chris Shaw]

We don’t always get what we want in life, and that can be tough to handle, especially when young. The hurt here in your lines, will be relatable to many. A new day, a new beginning.

Chris

[Love-Me-Softly]

I’m sorry for the loss, of someone you never got to love. What a good poem!

[Sara Mercury]

I read the poem, then I read some of the reviews.

Here's what I have to say...

Sometimes an artist paints to express something of beauty no one else can see but them, and then they suddenly realize that others can also see the beauty there, no matter how subtle that beauty is.

It's your art; don't let anyone tell you different.

Sometimes even an accident can be beautiful.

This poem is more abstract; it can mean different things to different people. Therein lies the beauty of it.

[red93]

This is really Excellent S, very nicely phrased and laid out ✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️

[W. Barrett Munn]

I like the last couplet.
Maybe a little tightening up in the rest and it would be fine. I would cut the 7th couplet as unnecessary.

W.

[JayG]

Well, you did ask...

First, what’s in it for the reader? This is you talking about things meaningful to you. It's addressed to someone unknown. But...what are they to each other? No way to tell. Who is the competition? You don’t say.

The approach, that of talking TO the reader, is inherently dispassionate, and tends to trip the author up because they’re assigning roles and attitudes to the protagonist.

For example: You say, “I want to stay To know you more” Stay where? That’s critical, but we don’t know where and when we are, why this person is there, or even the gender age and situation of the participants. You do, and since you do, you forget that the reader doesn’t, and never address it. Remember, without context it's just words in a row, meaning uncertain. That's why we must always edit from the seat of the reader, not the author.

That aside, since the speaker doesn’t really know the one being spoken to, this is early—an infatuation not a relationship.

And look at the ending. Throughout, you’ve been talking to this unknown person. But in the last stanza: Is this person using “God” as an expression of seeking, or talking to God? You know. The person knows. Even God knows. The reader? Not a clue. But who did you write it for?

And the last line doesn’t fit. First, who's being addressed? In every other line it’s the unknown subject of interest. You can’t change that and be consistent.

Added to that the last five words: “in a little bit sooner,” make no sense.

Here’s the deal: In poetry, we don’t generally talk TO the reader as if they can hear, and know what’s going on. That outside-in approach is inherently dispassionate because only you know what emotion to place into the reading. And in any case, our goal isn’t to inform the reader, it’s to make them care and feel. We don’t tell the reader that we cried, we give the reader reason to weep.

The techniques of poetry have been steadily refined over centuries. So make use of that knowledge. It’s a great working substitute for genius. And, a great resource is Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook. The lady is absolutely brilliant. You can download a readable copy (though not on a phone) at the web page linked to below.
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

So take a look. You’ll be glad you did.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Soyam]

As we want to love them , even ready to do so... situation, responsibilities and destiny makes a boundary between us, making us apart...

I can feel it better.

Well done.
It holds my heart:(