Pungo Creek

Wow! What an amazing, gut-wrenching, nerve-wracking opening chapter. I'm fully immersed in the alien world (to me) of Southern Baptist USA's more deprived(?) areas. (Deprived: I'm assuming these people live in the poorer areas? Is that so? I'm sure I'll find out as I read on.)
Your pacing is great, getting us straight to the action/emotion of the novel.
I have a little problem with some of the dialogue: the sisters are 6 and 9 and use phrases such as: "The way I'm feeling right now, Ivy, I'd be willing to take a chance." Just sounds a tad too adult to be a kid's way of speaking. You might be doing that intentionally, to show us that the children have been forced to be older beyond their years, coping with an alcoholic mother and abuse, but the structure of some of the kid's dialogue doesn't quite ring true, to me, at this point. Maybe as I read on, I'll change my opinion on that. On first reading, everything else is compelling within this opening chapter.

Posted 16 Years Ago

Well, Brenda you did it again. You brought me right into the story. I love it! Now I'm sitting here wondering is Clara going to come back and haunt her mother! There's so many different directions that you could take this in and I can't wait to find out which one you picked! I'll be on pins and needles until I find out. Well only one way to fix that�must read the next chapter!

Posted 16 Years Ago

brenda, to write with such a depthful scope, is admirable in itself,
to be able to write stories is a gift, as i admire work with such grand
amount of thought put forth, a force of heart, as i began to read, the
imagery is transporting, and i could immediately feel another place and
time, the dialog is classic character play, i have to say i loved this,
its beyond what i expected in every way and i am hooked! the way
the story unfolds tears the readers heart apart over and over, the way
the dramatic scene unfolds could not be anymore powerful, you bring
the reader to the moment of happening, felt like i was watching a
movie, touching, beautifully crafted, imagintive, transporting, emotionally
transposing, delving, the endearing value of quality swept me! thanks, mike

Posted 16 Years Ago

I thought the prologue was fantastic.
I loved the first part of the chapter up to the part where Clara drowns.

I then found that there were point of view switches from Ivy, to Rose and then to Benjamin which were distracting. I wasn't quite sure I was with Ivy at first, but then realized I was so ok, it was all going along great. Then the pov to Rose was disconcerting, and then the pov to Benjamin threw me again.

I do think the writing was excellent, and far better than some I have seen that made it into the semi finals. Even with the pov switches, this story is so well written that it sucked me right in. I don't even care what genre it is, it hooked me from the prologue.

Work on those pov problems and you have great potential with this.

If this was your abna entry, it should have made it before some of those that did.

Posted 16 Years Ago

You give a good description of feeling for Clara. Her anger and emotions are clear.
The dialogue needs some work and I agree with Tom that it sounds to grown up for a child, but the "she'd be sorry if I was dead" was spot on child.

Posted 16 Years Ago

Wow! What an amazing, gut-wrenching, nerve-wracking opening chapter. I'm fully immersed in the alien world (to me) of Southern Baptist USA's more deprived(?) areas. (Deprived: I'm assuming these people live in the poorer areas? Is that so? I'm sure I'll find out as I read on.)
Your pacing is great, getting us straight to the action/emotion of the novel.
I have a little problem with some of the dialogue: the sisters are 6 and 9 and use phrases such as: "The way I'm feeling right now, Ivy, I'd be willing to take a chance." Just sounds a tad too adult to be a kid's way of speaking. You might be doing that intentionally, to show us that the children have been forced to be older beyond their years, coping with an alcoholic mother and abuse, but the structure of some of the kid's dialogue doesn't quite ring true, to me, at this point. Maybe as I read on, I'll change my opinion on that. On first reading, everything else is compelling within this opening chapter.

Posted 16 Years Ago

That is soo sad. I want to know what's wrong with the mom. Rose yea that's her name. I guess if i quit rambling and go to the next chapter i'd fin out

Posted 16 Years Ago

You have an amazing way with words, I forgot I was reading and became immersed in the story. Very good!

Posted 16 Years Ago