Clean

Clean

A Story by inconsistentsea
"

55 words

"

It wasn't that she meant to kill him. It was that he deserved it. As the final shovel-fuls of dirt hit the shallow grave she stopped for a second to catch her breath. The downpour sent rivulets of water down the small mounds of dirt. Tonight, rain was the only thing falling down her face.

© 2012 inconsistentsea


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I loved that last line and how the rain was just her tears. I think though that I did want to know more about what he had done for him to deserve this (did he abuse her, cheat on her, were they strangers?) I just wanted that little bit more information. But I still very much enjoyed this.

Posted 5 Years Ago


Why did he deserve it? A bit more added to this, some inkling of why the woman isn't crying for the corpse and how she was made clean, pure, whatever by it's demise, and then you have something with some meat on it. The way it is now, it's really bare-boned and unsatisfying. BUT there is potential. Add some fat, energy, muscle, whatever, just expand.

Posted 6 Years Ago


inconsistentsea

6 Years Ago

Thanks very much for your feedback! If the challenge had not been to keep the piece at 55 words or .. read more
Christy Jeannette

6 Years Ago

55 words is hard.
NICE! I like the image of a powerful lady character. you broke a stereotype today and surprised me.

Posted 6 Years Ago


inconsistentsea

6 Years Ago

:) I have always found women to be scarier than men for some reason.
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JC
ha, would make for a great start to a pulp fiction novel, dig the attitude and imagery of this short piece.

Posted 6 Years Ago


the last line is rather mysterious ;) nice short story, it was easy to read. and the first two lines? They sound like the lines of someone who had killed someone, psycho killer edge to it!

Posted 6 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on June 20, 2012
Last Updated on June 20, 2012




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