The Almost Un-Valentines Day

a TYA play about Cupid losing his faith in love. Written for the theatre company i am a part of, Wolfpack Childrens Theatre Co. public domain now that i am posting it online.

The Almost unvalentines day

Scene 1

NARRATOR

Hello boys and girls. My name is Valentino, and the story you are about to see is about the time there almost wasn't a Valentines Day. You are about to meet a colorful cast of individuals. First you'll meet Cupid and his personal assistant, Anita Valentine. 

ANITA VALENTINE enters and begins talking to audience.

ANITA VALENTINE

I am so excited you want to know why? I am going to give Cupid his very first Valentines Day card. Did you know he has never received a single Valentines Day card, and after all he does. Can you believe that? Well this year is going to be different I am finally going to tell cupid how I feel, though its not very professional. I have been his assistant for years now, and have been right by his side while he shot arrows of love. I was there when he helped the prince find Rapunzel. I was there when he helped Shrek and Fiona get together. Boy that was a dozy.  Then there was the time of the great Cinderella Operation, yikes. Now cupid’s involvement in those stories is strictly hush hush. The point is he is going to love my Valentines Day card that I made all by my self. SEE…

 

Shows the beautifully decorated card to the audience. ANITA VALENTINE EXITS.

NARRATOR
So that was Anita Valentine. Sweet girl, right? Well beware guys, not everyone in this story is sweet as ol' Anita there. There are people who are down right evil. If you so happen to see this mangy mutt who calls himself the Big Bad Wolf, or this queen lady who wants all hearts to beat for her and her alone, use extreme caution! Not to alarm you, it is only a precautionary measure. Onto the story. Valentine's day was days away, and this was the mood in Cupid's office.

scene 2

Cupid is sitting at his desk on his laptop grumbling about Valentine's Day

 

Cupid
Oh whats the use of it all? I shoot my arrows, but love never lasts anymore. Why bother, nobody appreciates my work. I'm not sure i even know what love means anymore!

ANITA VALENTINE

offstage: Cupid?

CUPID

Oh, not now Anita, i am very busy!

ANITA VALENTINE

entering: Nonsense Cupid, there is nothing on your itinerary until 4:00 silly. I have here this years list of individuals who desperately need to find love as they are slowly becoming hopeless and have such good hearts. We sure do have our work cut out for us this year. I also have something to show you (beginning to pull out the card) DA DADA…. ( she is interrupted)
CUPID

I was actually thinking of taking this year off.

ANITA VALENTINE

Da (downer).

all the fun as just been taking out of her eyes as she sets the card down to figure out what is wrong with Cupid.

CUPID
I doubt anyone would even notice.
ANITA VALENTINE
What! No one will notice? Excuse me but what about all the people you have helped?
CUPID
maybe I have helped a few people in my time. But Anita people are starting not to believe in love anymore.
ANITA VALENTINE
hysterically gasping for air: so let me get this straight. You, CUPID are done?
CUPID
only for a season or two my dear Ms. Valentine. People probably wont even notice.
ANITA VALENTINE
not notice! Now you’re talking crazy. Think about what you are saying. Cupid people need you to help them believe love exists in all shapes and forms, when they lose hope that when you come and save the day. Who will help them if not you?
Cupid
Maybe someone will take up my bow and give it a shot.
ANITA VALENTINE
But who cupid? We both know I cant shoot very well.
CUPID
I  guess I’ll have to start interviewing for a replacement.
ANITA VALENTINE
the big day is only days away now, and that’s not something an amateur could pull off.
CUPID
Every season it is always the same, I try and keep love alive for the people who feel like love has closed a door on them. Its not all chocolates and flowers its about giving from the heart like homemade cards, I mean when was the last time you got a homemade card? That would be nice. I just don’t think I have another season left in me. After years of helping people find the one they are meant for, or find love in the form of friendships, I am just pooped!

Scene 3

NARRATOR

So Anita and Cupid set off. Anita, to find proof of Cupid's success, Cupid, to disprove Anita. Now this was the part of the story where-

 

LOUD screech is heard offstage

 

QUEEN OF HEARTS

Where is the card!?!
NARRATOR
Excuse me? I don't know what you're talking about?
QUEEN OF HEARTS
Don't play dumb with me mister, i saw you talking to Cupid's assistant! Now give me the card and i won't have to call my guards in here and tear up this place!

NARRATOR

Why you're...you're the evil queen of hearts! Don't worry everyone, i've got this under control.

QUEEN OF HEARTS

Under control? I'll show you under control now GIVE. ME. THAT. CARD. NOW. OR. ELSE. ILL. HAVE. TO. -

NARRATOR

No queen, i will not help you destroy Cupid's chances at finding love. Little do you know, i know tai quan do, ninjutsu, and was personally taught tae-bo by Billy Blanks himself!

QUEEN OF HEARTS

You don't scare me Narrator boy.

NARRATOR busts out with some crazy karate moves

QUEEN OF HEARTS
Oh i don't need this! Exiting: Wooooolf! Get over here and get Bruce Lee to give us the card!!!!!
NARRATOR
im sorry you had to see that. I try to never resort to violence. Good thing i knew she was a scardy cat. So back to the story. Anita and Cupid had just arrived at a castle.

scene 4

 

Beast is lounging about his living room. A KNOCK is heard offstage

 

BEAUTY
offstage: Beast, will you get the door?
BEAST
Can you get it dear, im kind of busy here. (he is just sitting in a chair playing with a rubix cube)
BEAUTY
I'm cooking dinner dear. If you want me to stop and get the door i would be more than happy to.

 

Hearing dinner he rushes for the door.

 

BEAST
Dinner!? Opens door: Cupid! honey, Cupid and his friend are here.
CUPID
Hey Beast. Long time no see. How are the kitchen utensils treating you?
BEAST
haha, same old same old Cupid.
BEAUTY
Cupid! To Anita: Oh, hello, i am Beauty and this is my husband Beast.
ANITA VALENTINE
Oh yes, i know all about you two. You were one of my favorite cases. I am Cupid's personal assistant, Anita.
BEAUTY & BEAST

pleasure to meet you.
BEAUTY
So what brings you to our humble castle?
CUPID
Well Anita is here trying to prove something.
ANITA VALENTINE
Yes. Well, you see Cupid has kind of lost his faith in love and i brought him here to prove that his work really works.
CUPID
Yeah. What she said.
BEAST
Cupid! What is this about you giving up? Don't ever give up! Did i give up when there was 10 seconds the fourth quarter? When we were down by a touchdown with no time outs and i threw that bomb to win the game? NO! I didn't!

CUPID

Yeah, i remember you telling me that last week when we played poker.

BEAUTY

Honey, the point.

BEAST

huh?

BEAUTY

Your point dear, get to your point.

BEAST

Oh, yeah...I would have made it to the Bigs if it weren't for this darn knee.

BEAUTY

Not THAT point dear, the other point

(she whispers in Beast's ear)

beast

Ohhhh! Yeah! Cupid, if it weren't for you i would have never met Beauty. I would have sat in this lonely castle forever.

CUPID

Beast, all i did was hit you with a silly arrow. You are a genuine person filled with love. All i did was give you a little push.

BEAST

You gave me a push when all life gave me were a million pulls.

BEAUTY

My husband, the poet!

ANITA VALENTINE

See cupid, Beast appreciates your work!

BEAUTY

Not just Beast, Anita! Before i met Beast all i ever knew were guys who didn't know how to treat a girl. Gosh, don't get me started on this guy Gus i dated.

CUPID

You're happy i set you up with Beast?

BEAST

You bet she is!

BEAUTY

Oh Beast. But yes Cupid. Beast is the kindest man i have ever met. I would not give him up for the whole world and everything in it.

ANITA VALENTINE

See! I told you!

CUPID

Yeah, you're right Anita. I helped ONE couple out of what... Six Billion people in the world? Big whoop.

BEAUTY & BEAST

It is a big whoop!

BEAST

You are what divides the world Cupid.

BEAUTY

From the sad and the lonely, to the ones who are loved.

ANITA VALENTINE

We all deserve love, Cupid. All of us. Even yo-

A loud DING is hear offstage.

BEAUTY
The pot roast!
BEAST
...The pot roast! Mmmmm.
BEAUTY & BEAST
Wont you two join us for dinner?
CUPID
Beauty's pot roast? We'd love to.
ANITA VALENTINE
But we need to get going, right Cupid? The fate of future Valentine's Day's depends on it!
CUPID
Yes, yes Mrs. Valentine, some more of your proof awaits me.
BEAUTY & BEAST
Bye guys. Good luck on your journey!
ANITA VALENTINE
It was a pleasure meeting you. Give my regards to Lumiere for me.

 

Scene 5

Narrator enters, he now has a Rambo-esque bandanna on, he is clearly ready for Queenie and the Wolf.

NARRATOR

So Anita was on a good track to proving to Cupid that his work really is meaningful. Cupid needed a little more proof though, so they set off into the woods to find another success story.

 

Scene 6

Cupid and Anita stumble upon Robin Hood and Maid Marion sitting by a fire. Robin is playfully running about while Marion is sitting contently, watching the fire and eating popcorn.

 

ROBIN HOOD

Stealing a few: Aaaaha! I steal from the rich and i give to the hungry! (gobbling down the popcorn.)
MAID MARION
How many times have i told you to stop doing that!
ROBIN HOOD
Oh you love it.
MAID MARION
Do not.
ROBIN HOOD
Do too!
MAID MARION
Do not!

ROBIN HOOD

Do too!

MAID MARION

DO NOT!

ROBIN HOOD

Do not.

MAID MARION

DO TOO!

ROBIN HOOD

AAAHAH! You do too!

MAID MARION

You tricked me, no fair.

ROBIN HOOD

You knew when you married me that i was the craftiest guy in town, that's why you love me.

by the end of this exchange Anita cannot hold her laughter. Cupid too is smiling more than he should.

MAID MARION
Is that-
ROBIN HOOD
No way-

ROBIN HOOD & MAID MARION

Cupid!
MAID MARION
what brings you to our neck of the woods.
ANITA VALENTINE
well i might be able to explain that. Our valiant Cupid here is losing faith in his work.

ROBIN HOOD

Valiant? None are more valiant than I, Robin Hood!

MAID MARION

yes dear, we know. We're talking about Cupid here. Can we give him a little attention?

ROBIN HOOD

why yes, of course. I owe you a great debt my friend. Anything for the second best archer in the galaxy.

CUPID

Second best? Robin, i hit you with my arrow going into the wind, counter adjusting for speed, velocity, and trajectory all while on the fly (points to his wings). I'm not sure you can beat that.

ROBIN HOOD

i have never heard such nonsense. I am Robin Hood. No one out shoots the great Robin Hood.

ANITA VALENTINE

boys-

MAID MARION

oh don't bother. Once they get started there's no stopping them.

ROBIN HOOD

I can shoot an apple off a tree.

CUPID

i can shoot the skin off the apple.

ROBIN HOOD

i can shoot a penny off a stump.

CUPID

i can shoot a penny out of a dollar.

ROBIN HOOD

i guess there is only one way to settle this...

ROBIN HOOD & Cupid

Bow duel!

Robin Hood and Cupid perform some feat of bow skills. They both agree that they are equally matched.

CUPID
You're so great Robin.
ROBIN HOOD
No you're great.
CUPID
No, stop it.
ANITA VALENTINE

Boys, if we could get on?
MAID MARION
Well, Cupid, you just cant give up you see. You helped Robbie and me find each other in a time of great peril. If it weren't for your arrow, we might have never noticed each other.
CUPID
Well its obviously love if you can stand this guy for more than a day.
ROBIN HOOD
whats that supposed to mean!
CUPID
just kidding buddy
(Robin hood misses the joke)
Anita, you've pretty much got me convinced. I was down in the dumps about my work, but you've showed me it really does help people. Ill tell you what. You show me one more success story, and i am sold.
ANITA VALENTINE
well guys, we better get going. Ill need to find that proof ASAP, Valentine's day is just around the corner. After all, there is no Valentine's day without Cupid.
ROBIN HOOD
A pleasure meeting you Mrs. Valentine.
MAID MARION
May your journey be a safe success.
ANITA VALENTINE
Thank you both.
CUPID
Bye guys.

Scene 7

Narrator enters with a shield and stick, guarding the card.

NARRATOR
Oh dear, i nearly fought off the queen's army and retained Cupid's card. This seems like a suitable place to rest.

offstage we hear HELP. It sounds awfully lot like a canine voice though. Hmmmm.

NARRATOR

Sombody is in trouble, i better go help.

Narrator EXITS. Enter BIG BAD WOLF

BIG BAD WOLF

Pshh, narrators. Always the easiest to trick. Now where is that card, i can smell it somewhere around here.

Noticing the audience.

BIG BAD WOLF

Oh hello there. Have any of you happened to see a valentine's card around here? Can you help me find it? No? Well i will find it anyways, so there!

He sniffs around, its right under his nose, finally he finds it.

BIG BAD WOLF

AHAHH! I found it. Yes! Now Cupid will never fall in love, and he will stop meddling in our buisness. Oh goody, the queen will be so pleased. Maybe she'll scratch behind me ear. I love when she scratches me behind the ear!

Wolf exits with the card. Sad day.

 

Scene 8

Enter into the home of the COWARDLY LION and his wife, the FEARLESS LIONESS.

COWARDLY LION

AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Honey! Get in here quick! Hurry! Hurry!

FEARLESS LIONESS

What is it dear? What's the matter!

COWARDLY LION

A bee! There's a bee!

FEARLESS LIONESS

Are you serious Leo? A BEE? Why don't you use that dumb little heart necklace that girl gave you and find some courage.

COWARDLY LION

It's not a necklace it's an amulet, and She didn't give it to me, the wizard did. And i told you, the magic wore out. Now you are my courage.

FEARLESS LIONESS

nonsense, you are the bravest lion i have ever met.

COWARDLY LION

It moved! Get it get it!

FEARLESS LIONESS

it's a piece of lint honey.

COWARDLY LION

it's an evil bee, its going to sting us in our sleep!

FEARLESS LIONESS

it is a piece of lint

She picks up the bee, which IS a piece of lint.

COWARDLY LION
BE CAREFUL THEY STING!
FEARLESS LIONESS
Blowing it away from her hand: Lint dear. Just lint.
COWARDLY LION
Oh yeah, i knew that all along.
FEARLESS LIONESS
Oh dear, what would i do without you.

they hear a small ruckus offstage

COWARDLY LION
Someone is in our bathroom!
FEARLESS LIONESS
LEO! NO ONE IS IN OUR BATHROOM!
COWARDLY LION
Go check!
FEARLESS LIONESS
fine ill go check!

FEARLESS LIONESS EXITS to check. COWARDLY LION is standing there with his hands over his eyes.

FEARLESS LIONESS

AHHH! WHO ARE YOU TWO!

She re-enters with CUPID and ANITA VALENTINE

CUPID
I'm so sorry, we calibrated wrong and edned up in your bathroom instead of the front door.
COWARDLY LION
I know that voice
(peeking through his eyes)
CUPID!
FEARLESS LIONESS
Oh That's Cupid? That explains the wings.
ANITA VALENTINE
Sorry, honest mistake. I calibrated our enterence wrong. Hello, i am Anita Valentine, Cupid's personal assistant. We are here to-
FEARLESS LIONESS
Oh, yeah, i know, i read Cupid's facebook update.
ANITA VALENTINE
Cupid, you have a facebook?
CUPID
Networking my dear Mrs. Valentine.
COWARDLY LION
Oh you'll have to add me. I am under Cowardly Lion. My default is this cool picture of the two of us and we're totally going like RAWR and stuff.
CUPID
Haha, I get it. Rawr, Lions. That's good. i'll make sure to add you when i get back to the office.
ANITA VALENTINE
So you guys know why we're here then? Could you convince Cupid his work helped you two?
COWARDLY LION
Helped? You're darn right it helped. When Cupid found me i was a blubbering mess because the magic in my amulet had run out. He noticed that Leah over there had always kind of givin me the eye at work. Bada-bing bada-boom, arrow in our butts and we realized we couldnt live without eachother.
FEARLESS LIONESS
Yeah, without Leo here, i wouldnt be the happiest lioness in the pride. I keep telling him he never needed that silly old amulet anyway.
COWARDLY LION
because i have you.
(awwwww)

Scene 9

NARRATOR bursts into the scene completely breaking the fourth, fifth and sixth wall. His head is bandaged.

NARRATOR
out of breath: Oh no oh no, big trouble Anita. I ost-lay the ard-cay!
ANITA VALENTINE
Oh NO!
NARRATOR
Im sorry Anita, last thing i remember is dog breath and getting hit over the head. I woke up and it was gone!
COWARDLY LION
Wait, Ard-cay? Are we going to the arcade!?
FEARLESS LIONESS
No honey, its some kind of code.
CUPID
Hey, what's going on here? I call shinadigans!

The rest of the cast enters. The BIG BAD WOLF and QUEEN OF HEARTS leading the way.

QUEEN OF HEARTS
Cupid, Anita. Wolf and I have something we'd like to say to you.
BIG BAD WOLF
We're sorry.
QUEEN OF HEARTS
We stole your Valentine's card.
ROBIN HOOD
Maid Marion and I caught them running through the forest giggling about it.
BEAUTY
Then they called us, and sure enough they were heading right towards our castle.
ROBIN HOOD
So Beast caught the happy couple.
BEAUTY
We talked for a while and they ended up feeling really bad.
QUEEN OF HEARTS
Yeah, we did. You see, we found love ourselves.
COWARDLY LION & FEARLESS LIONESS

Found love? With who?
QUEEN OF HEARTS & BIG BAD WOLF

Eachother.
CUPID
Well that's fantastic, and i didnt even have to shoot you two with one of my arrows.
ANITA VALENTINE
Well, lets just say i am a better shot than i thought.
Cupid
Great job Mrs. Valentine! I still dont know what this whole card buisness is about though.

QUEEN OF HEARTS

Give her back the card!!!!

BIG BAD WOLF

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Here you go Anita. Sorry again for the trouble we might have caused you.

Break into tableau as now everyone is frozen except for the NARRATOR

NARRATOR
So, here we are boys and girls. We thought it would be year without Cupid's work. A year without a Valentine's Day, But, here we've just witnessed a remarkable thing. Cupid sent his arrows of love to those who needed it most. Sometimes we just need a little reminder of the good things right in front of us. Now, those we've seen will live happier than ever in love and splendor. THE EN-

the entire cast with the exception of CUPID and ANITA VALENTINE break tableau

EVERYONE

But wait you forgot the best part!
NARRATOR
Oh yeah, i almost forgot.

NARRATOR and CAST all exit, with the exception of CUPID and ANITA VALENTINE

 

CUPID
Wow, what a day. Right Mrs. Valenti-
ANITA VALENTINE
Call me Anita.

Anita FINALLY hands Cupid her homemade Valentine's card she made just for him.

ANITA VALENTINE

Cupid, this is for you. It is from the bottom of my heart to yours.
CUPID
Is this a homemade card Anita? I love it!
ANITA VALENTINE
You have to open it silly.

Cupid opens the card and is filled with emotion. Could this be love?

CUPID
Mrs. Valentine... i mean... Anita?
ANITA VALENTINE
Yes Cupid?
CUPID
Will you be my valentine?
ANITA VALENTINE
I thought you'd never ask.

they hug, and Anita gives Cupid a cute kiss on the cheek. BEAT. Cast comes back onstage. Curtain call.

 

THE END