Sealed Off

To be realistic its really all my fault. The depression, the anger, the guilt, hell even the nightmares. Yep, it is alll me. Two suicide attempts because I'm not even good enough to do it right the first time. Never good enough. Never pretty enough. Never smart enough. Never, never, never. Such high, high hopes for Jenny. When the fact of the matter is I'm stuck.

Stuck in this never ending cycle of blame, and guilt. And the depression. It sucks me in, like a whirlpool. Devils Kettle. I go in, but never come out. From day to day, its the same monotone thing. Put a smile on. Wave to the royalty. But the fact of the matter is none of them can see the unspoken,"F**k that b***h queen" in my eyes.

The unspoken disdain. Hatred even. For what? For everything I've always wanted, but will never have. Family, friends, money, power, and most importantly happiness. Because the fact of the matter is, I am filled with too much hate, regret, and jealousy to ever be happy. And it pisses me off. I hate myself most of all. I hate what I've become. What I'm becoming. And the happy girl that I brutally slaughtered.

I hate her too. What she represents. Everything fresh, new, and good in the world. She never had any idea what she would become. And every day the monster she has become dies a little with her.

Reviews

[Ruth]

As painful as this reads...your thoughts have moved me...deeply. To despise the self so much is saddening and yet, I identify. We are brought up to be a certain someone, pressured, more likely, to be a certain someone and what happens when we are not that someone we thought we should be? Well...the above, and that's only the half of it ey?

It takes a long time and many dark hours to work through depression and anger...let alone the rest of it. Vicious cycle at times...we feel such emotions and punish ourselves for them and even feel wrong, it fuels the initial anger or sadness there.

I guess, we have to accept. Accept ourselves the way we are, we can't move on until we do so. I don't say this because I think it is simple, sweet Goddess...it isn't. I say it because deep down inside, the heart knows our worth. Each of us unique, true, but I do think it helps to know you are not alone when you feel so stuck - life can feel like marshmallow at times...each footstep an effort.

I think expectations can be our downfall...we are much more than we think at times hon....be kind to yourself...you don't walk alone.

Good to see you ♥

[silver threaded queen]

thanks poppy love :) I've had the horrible sickness we call writers block for quite some time... but i do believe it has broke :)

[Ruth]

Good to know love! x

[A. Amos]

poignant, deep, honest yet powerful write...keep writing you will feel good my friend

[Oswald Chesterfield Cob..]

Very emotional and dark..... I LIKE IT! ^*^ Very good wording, I can feel the emotions and pain pour out into this. Hope to read more soon :)

[silver threaded queen]

thanks for the review! ~xx