The Black Diaries - part I

A Story by Rakesh Roushan

the same story

After all I’m just another looser!

I am here sitting and typing this I am thinking if this is worth myself or after all through I have been or wanna be Is this the thing that will keep me on and I don’t know man.. really.. It’s just that I don’t know who the f**k I am , where the hell I have been when there was time to do , to set things right and I don’t know man what the hell to do, to who be with ..

Oh god I’m screwed > I’m fucked hard and through the a*s stuffed like red chilli burning the way whole from bottom to my tongue , unable to find a way anyway up or down : it’s just that I can’t figure out what the hell I’m doing with my life and what I wanna do ???

I mean like everyone has set their benchmarks and priorities and set their goals for what they would do, or maybe not; oh sorry, who I’m kidding with!! We are all a bunch of losers wagging and yelling for every other circumstance and reason that discarded us forgetting the very first thing that it’s us who r responsible for the every s**t we fall into or unusually do .

Yesterday a girl fell from her bi-cycle and I was just crossing by; everyone in this world rushed for her and I just passed by. yeah what would I do ; people were there for her; I mean like in the movies you see the hero rush for the girl but I forgot to mention it was me , the lousy, most pathetic creature ever born on earth ; I had one thought of helping her but I just crossed over and I was thinking of something else that time which preoccupied my attention and I could never get over that to come to this so It happened and I lost another good reason for impressing any girl god had ever offered me kindly knowing my mediocre inabilities to neglect everything around. I don’t know or aptly said could never conclude what goes in my mind, I just never find out but it goes there happening all along and couldn’t pass the test.

So another day I promise to work all the odds out and perfect myself tomorrow and you know what is tomorrow … It’s the unending black hole of your dreams and to-dos that is beyond infinity and every possible space dynamics and assimilation which annihilates the very thought of your aspirations! So back on the topic every next moment I make a promise to improve myself and correct my mistakes the next time for it just for god’s sake I just knew what to do that moment I could have done that. Oh god, what the f**k!! Yeah seriously, the very next moment that idea is thrown into the to-do’s that are never really done for if they would; they would lose their very existence and definition!

So, yeah where was I, yes telling you who the f**k I am all this time and really … Oh god, What the f**k am I doing trying to tell my story ; for what good will it do to me or you or anybody for why would anybody care after all.. I don't care nor do I expect anybody to !! F**K man, It;s all vagary after all - unending possibilities of the undefined dynamics of me !!