Our Train

I fell in love with someone at a time I shouldn't. Sounds weird right? How could it not be a good time for love? Still, I feel what I feel and am tired of ignoring those feelings.

Our Train

It was a beautiful morning. A fine Tuesday. 9:01 on the clock. I arrived at the Santa Fe Depot very excited and very nervous. An amazing looking building, really seeming out of place in our current San Bernardino. The Mission Revival Style strikes at my heart. Something from a different time right in the middle of its modern run-down surroundings. The sun shines bright but the day still cool with a nice winter breeze to push it forward. A perfect start for the day I have planned. Had planned. This day has been a long time coming. Months really. It was October 06 when I told you I would take you on a train ride one day. Over three months. Well that day is finally here.

I purchased the tickets from the machine and stand on the platform looking out through the arches. Dressed for work as some would say but really, it’s my every day. Today happened to be my old black argyle sweater with white shirt and black tie. Still a little chilly so I wrap my scarf a little tighter. It was about 9:15 when I started to worry. Though I am pretty familiar with your proclivity for running late, my mind started wandering as it often does. I keep trying to tell myself, "you'll be here". "You're just running a little behind". I check the time again. 09:20. My heart starts to race and I begin to think about what I must've done to scare you away. And then it happened. I turn to catch you walking up from the parking lot. The sun shines like a spot light highlighting your arrival and I am overcome. Washed over by a splendid sense of serenity. Everything is right. All is right. Today will be perfect.

My feet seem to quicken pace. The excitement on my face must be apparent. I can feel a big smile form. We embrace. I squeeze you tight and take in your scent as my head gets lost in your beautiful hair. I feel like I've reached the mountain top of some great summit I've been dreaming to climb for so long. It's crazy. Nothing’s happened yet. You just arrived. But still, this feels so real. I get a day with just you. A day away from everyone and maybe a chance to forget everything else going on in our lives for a few hours. As I look into your eyes and see your smile, I begin to float off. I get lost as I do thinking about this growing warm feeling inside stretching all the way to my fingertips and toes.

J "Good morning Lianna!"

L "Good morning! I'm so sorry I'm late."

J "No, don't worry. You're right on time.

My words snap me back to reality remembering our plans. We need to find seats!

J "But we need to board, our train will be leaving soon"

L "Our Train. I like that."

J "Me too."

We head to the doors but I stop for a moment. Looking at the snowcapped mountains in the backdrop with beautiful fluffy marshmallow clouds drifting in the foreground, I feel it again. Today is going to be perfect.

L "It looks beautiful."

J "It sure does. Come on. Watch your step."

I raise my hand and hover behind the small of your back just grazing the fabric of your dress as I guide you in through the doors. It's a deep burgundy maroon almost borderline purple ankle length dress with less than full length sleeves. It feels very soft to the touch and though it’s not very tight, it seems to lay on your body in the best way. You are absolutely stunning.

I smile again as we begin to walk through the first car and you extend your hand back. I reach my hand out to grab yours and you begin to lead the way.

L "Where do you want to sit."

J "Let's find a table upstairs."

L "Let's do it."

We ascend the stairs and luckily find an empty cabin with nice secluded table next to a big window. Seeming like we, both know it’s the right one, we make our way and we begin to take our seats. I allow you to sit first and then sit facing you across the table. I find myself staring at your pretty face while you look out the window in excitement. I pay close attention to the movements of your cheeks and your brow as you smile. Still my favorite past time. Just like when we play chess and I watch you think. Seeing your facial expressions change. I am still mesmerized looking at you.

My heart stops as your hand drifts and touches mine on the table. I am sent overboard as I feel the three taps. I still remember when you told me about it in October. Just a few weeks after you said you wanted to take a train ride. Three taps, three squeezes for a nonverbal I Love you. Such a simple gesture has never meant so much. It became a part of my day. Something I had to do even if I was just passing your cube at work.

Given how things have been lately, I wasn't quite sure. It's been a few weeks since we said we would be just friends. Even longer if we go all the back to November but I guess we crossed the friend line a few times since then. December 8 was the last time we kissed and you pushed harder on that friend line just before Christmas. If I'm being honest, it’s been really difficult. Still we are able to spend time together and I forget all about it. I still enjoy just talking to you and experiencing the moment with you. Even if we don't kiss or go beyond that.

Though lately, I wonder if I have been a strain on you. Our notes seem less engaged at times and it seems to come when I say too much. I think I blur that line too often and it leaves you uneasy. There are times when your responses are short and I think “I hope you have more to say but choose not to.” Part of me even wonders if your interest has waned. Just say the word and I will stop reaching. I won’t stop feeling but I could at least spare you my romantic melodrama. But then there are times when it still feels like before. Like we aren't concerned with what we are and we just are. Those are the best moments. When you are open and share your thoughts and emotions without filter. Really, I keep reaching because you said you still wanted to hear my thoughts and my songs and writings. You said you still want to see my cloud pictures and morning views.

So, three taps... it means the world to me. My heart trembles and I say nothing. I just want the moment to last. I don’t want today to be about the past or the future. I want it just to be about today. Our eyes meet and we smile. I think we are thinking the same thing as we hold hands.

L "Ooh, I think we're moving now."

J "Here we go. We have about an hour and half before we get to Union Station."

L "Thank you for this."

J "No. Thank you."

We both let the moment settle. Eyes still locked. No notice of the passing views in the window. Though, we still are in San Bernardino and we do not yet have the best of scenery. You break our gaze and interject with a suggestion as you reach into your bag. Your reluctance to maintain eye contact reminds me of our line but leaves me hope that our fire still burns.

L "CHESS!"

J "Of course!

We begin to set up the board and you extend your hands hiding the Kings. I tap your right hand and end up with Black.

J "You first."

L "Ohhh... but I didn't bring the clock"

J "We'll be fine. I don’t want to rush you today."

You smile again and make your move. E4 and I respond with E6. Still trying to perfect my French Defense. I am in my happy place. In front of you as you work out your strategies in your mind. Your expressive face is better to watch than all of my favorite movies. I love how you wave your finger mentally orchestrating your moves. I love how you press your finger against your lip and raise your eyebrow when you are in deep thought.

We don't say much. It's not needed. A few comments from me as you impress me with your improved play. A moment of vocalized regret from an unforeseen blunder costing me my queen. It was a great game. And as you remove your hand after sliding your Rook across the board, I see you settle into your seat after leaning forward throughout the entirety of our game.

L "CHECKMATE."

J "Great game. I'm so proud of you."

L "Thank you. You let me win."

J "God's honest truth, that was all you."

There’s that smile again. Our eyes meet once more only this time you giggle and brush your hair from your face. I follow your hand as it makes its way behind your ear and then escapes under the table to your lap. As you look away something outside catches your eye. Our surroundings seem more full of life now. I see you looking off out the window and notice your reflection flashing over the glass. A mental picture is taken to capture the moment. It felt as if I caught you sitting next to a framed painting with a noted look of satisfaction and I think about how much fun we would have at a museum. I'll be sure to remember that as well. The painting changes shape and color. Varying degrees of greens and yellows from Elm and Eucalyptus trees, Turkish Pines and Chinese Pistachios with peppered in palm trees and splashes of graffiti.  

L “I love trees.”

J “You know the ancients believed the Gods dwelled in them.”

L “Maybe they’re watching us now.”

We share a smile. A real smile. Allowing ourselves to gaze into each others eyes and not look away. Our hands finding each other on the table top. Still almost an hour to Union Station from Claremont. I couldn't be happier. There are times when we you are looking into my eyes and your smile lightens and I see you searching. Really looking. For what, I am not sure. But I love it. I will hold onto this memory like one of my most treasured possessions. This feeling I thought I would never have again. This chance to connect to you. So direct. I sense our heartbeats match rhythm. To feel you flow into me and I into you. I've thought that some of our best conversations had no words spoken but still so much said. This was definitely one of those moments. I no longer had concerns that our fire has dwindled.

The train began to slow as we pulled into Pomona and more passengers got on. I hadn't noticed but we were no longer alone in our cabin. All of the tables had filled up and only a few benches remained unoccupied. It’s incredible but what felt like a lifetime was only a handful of minutes. Somewhat like dream time I suppose but I am awake. Or at least I think I am. I can’t be sure because everything seems so perfect.

An older Mexican couple came up the stairs with you a young little boy following. Their eyes looked around and they spoke to each other but I didn’t understand. I could tell they piqued your interest but I was content with observing. I was now very interested.

As they began to head for the stairs down, you got up and called for them. I could hear you talking to the older couple and watched your hands point back and forth and then I heard their words of gratitude.

You came back and apologized as you began to pack up the chess set. I followed suit and helped collect the pieces and poll up the board.

L “Sorry. I gave them our seats.”

J “No problem.”

L “Their grandson is hungry and they were looking for a table to sit to feed him.”

J “Awe. Always so thoughtful.”

L “Let’s go find new seats.”

J “Lead the way.”

I get up and follow you as you head to the back of the car. You spot a free bench against the back wall and we both say our “Excuse Me’s” as we navigate passed the other riders. I motion for you to take your seat and then proceed sit beside you. My hands in my lap. I feel nervous. I very specifically make note to not be too close. I think you can feel it too.

J “We only have like 30 minutes left.”

L “First things first, Coffee.”

J “Sounds good. I think we might have several cups before the day’s out.”

L “I think I’m up for that. What are we doing first?”

J “Well we will have another 30 minutes before our second train leaves.”

L “Second Train?

J “Yes. It’s another 20 minutes to Pasadena from Union Station but we will still have time to explore a bit.”

L “Good. I’m so excited!”

J “I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.”

L “I really am.”

Your words made me feel better about the tension and it was a big relief when you reached for my hand again. Our fingers now intertwined. We both sat looking at our hands. Our thumbs gently rubbing the backs of our palms as they rested between us. Time seemed to slow and I was surprised by my boldness. Against my better senses, I let go of your hand. I took a deep breath and put my arm over your shoulder.

Wow! I feel like I am in middle school again. That feeling of uncertainty of making your first move on the girl you like. I guess it’s odd to say that but that is how I felt. Then to feel you settle in against me, your head resting on my shoulder, I was able to exhale. My world was perfect. To have you in my arms again, I couldn’t ask for more.

We sit looking out the window and I squeeze a little tighter. My heart flutters again when I feel you squeeze back. I wonder what you are thinking of. We pass El Monte and Cal State LA with Union Station coming up next. This is city travel now as we run parallel to the Freeway. A lot on concrete and houses. Still the view doesn’t take away from the moment.

You rest your hand on my chest and then look up at me. I glance back as your hand holds firm. I think you’re listening to my heartbeat. You can feel it. I think it unusual for a moment. I know I am very excited by the moment but my heart tempo remains calm. Still relaxed. I feel protected. Shielded from the outside world and whatever it may throw at us. I feel invincible, like I can do anything. I hope you feel it too.

I lean in to breathe you in. My nose resting on your head in your flowing beautiful hair that I love so much. I believe your perfume is noted to be a mix of Acacia Honey, Peach (though by name it says Nectarine Blossom), and Cassis or Black Currant. Then that mixes with your shampoo and other hair products and it makes you. This undeniable scent that catches me where ever I am.

I love how I can be walking through the stairwell at work and know you’ve recently passed through. It strikes me as interesting because I do not have a strong sense of smell. Still, I can detect your presence even if it’s been ten minutes past. Like my body is primed to find you. Always searching for you. I think now, with you in my arms. My body knows it can relax. No more searching. You are here.

The train begins to slow as we approach the last stop. We see the other passengers begin to gather their belongings and prepare to exit but we do not rush. In fact, I don’t feel you move until the train makes its complete stop.  I hope its because you are savoring the moment. Not wanting this feeling to go away. But we have lots to look forward to today. I rub your shoulder one last time and kiss you on the forehead.

J “We should get going now.”

L “Ok.”

It’s a quiet Ok. A soft Ok. We’ve been pretty quiet for the last leg of the ride but it was a good quiet. Not a complicated quiet. A simple quiet. I think we were both trying to stretch it out as long as possible.

We stand and I allow you to pass to lead and I begin to follow. It seems we are one of the last still on the train as we proceed to the exit. Your head pops out of the door and I am happy to see your smile grow as you look back at me. We step out on to the platform. We have arrived. Well, at least to our first stop.

We begin to navigate our way to the main building through the lowly lit corridors leading to where all the shops are. As we get closer to the lobby I am happy to see your eyes light up as you take in the beauty of our surroundings.

J “You know, they say this is the Last of the Great Railway Stations.”

L “It’s amazing!”

J “I’m glad you like it. It’s a mix of Art Deco, Mission Revival, and Streamline Modern styles.”

L “It feels like something out of the movies!”

J “Yeah, it has that roaring 20s vibe.  Oh, coffee, right?”

L “Yes, please.”

 We stop into Starbucks and order our drinks. The barista was very nice and we both smiled when she commented on how cute we looked together. We share a brief laugh and say our thank you’s as we begin to explore. We aimlessly walk around soaking it all in. From the incredible design on the on the marble floors to all of the beautiful art on the walls and even up to the beautiful ceilings with wonderfully designed chandeliers spread throughout providing a very warm yellow light. There is even an old very colorful piano against the wall with the words PLAY ME, I’M YOURS printed on it. It seems we arrived for the We Are exhibit. Very well-done paintings by local artists depicting the riders of the train.

J “Blue Sights. I think this one is my favorite.”

L “Oooh. I love it. I wonder what she’s thinking about.”

The painting was of a young girl looking out the window on to the city. The piece was done with great texture and coloring. All hues of a bluer shade with some well placed fuscias.

 J “It feels like she wondering about the future.”

L “Or maybe thinking about her past.”

J “Probably a little bit of both.”

L “Yeah, that’s usually how it goes. You can’t think about one without considering the other.”

Eyes no longer on the painting but on each other. We nod in agreement as you take me by the hand. We continue to walk around but pause as our eyes are drawn up to the incredibly gorgeous glass dome at the east end just above a very nice mural. It feels like we are in a grand hall ready for a ball or some kind of extravagant party. I look down at the reddish orange and black triangle floor tiles all leading to the center of the room.

Not wanting to have regret or wonder what if, I stand before you lightly holding your right hand. You seem a little confused, waiting for what’s next. Not really sure how to proceed as my mind is racing is so many directions at once. I take a deep breath and politely bow before you.

J “May I have this Dance?”

No verbal response. Just a growing smile and a little laugh as I place my right hand around your waist and on your hip. I adjust my left to hold your hand in mine. It feels surreal. I can’t believe we finally get to have our dance. And the setting is better than I could have imagined. No fancy moves as I am not the best dancer. Just us, slow dancing at the train station as people walk by.

To our surprise, a cute older gentleman looking very stylish in his suit and fedora took notice and began playing the piano that was up against the wall. Such a nice slow song. Very much in tune with the Jazz I’ve been so fond of lately. I feel it. Something so magical and special. I have to believe you feel it too. I hold you closer than before and as you rest your head on my chest we sway as if we are floating in the clouds of heaven.

The moment was made that much better when our newly found musician friend began to sing.

M            “The very thought of you makes my heart sing

Like an April breeze on the wings of spring,

And you appear in all your splendor,

My one and only love.”

I think both our hearts melted hearing his voice. Such a whispery and emotional voice. He was singing for himself. Connecting to a memory. We were just fortunate enough to be there to hear it.

We continued on in each other’s arms as his serenade went on. No concern for the hundreds of other people around us. The beauty of our surroundings pale in comparison to the site I behold in front of me. You. In my arms. With a smile. Happy.

As the song ends, the music is replaced by polite applauds for the elderly musician and maybe a few for us. We finally end our dance and my hands drop from your waist but I am very pleased when your right-hand refuses to let me go. Our hands find each other and our fingers intertwine. We head to the piano to show our gratitude to the talented man and are greeted by the most inviting joyous smile. He tips his hat before happily shaking both our hands. He thanks us as well before seeing us off and we begin to head to our next train.

J “Pleasure to meet you sir! Thank you again.”

M “Name’s Mac. And the pleasure was all mine.”

J “This is Lianna and I’m James. We’ll never forget this. You’ve made today more special than you know.”

M “That’s what it’s all about it, son. That’s what it’s all about. You two gonna have a beautiful life together.”

The words sound sweet to hear but still carry a slight sting. Given our complicated situation, I wonder if it feels the same for you. It’s exactly the kind of thing I wanted to hear before we continue our journey and sadly, the last thing I wanted to hear. Truthfully, I have been a scared coward up to this point. I have been doing my best to ignore the elephant in the room. I feel we both know we want to talk about “us” and what “us” means but we have been avoiding it. It almost feels like we are both just looking to enjoy the moment. Not wanting to ruin it with the looming truth hanging over our heads. Our trip just started and already the clouds seem to be coming in.

As my alarm sounds reminding me it’s time to board our next train, we begin to head back to the underground tunnels. We both glance up to make sense of the signs and eventually make it to our next train. We enter the open doors and navigate our way around the other passengers already aboard. We find a few open seats next to the window and get settled.

Still reeling a bit from Mac’s words. We feel the uneasiness surrounding our details or at least I think you can feel it in me. I know I am tense. The day thus far has been so fluid, so free flowing, so natural. It usually is when we are together. But a dam was been built in our waters and what was once an uninterrupted river of emotions has been stopped. Still, from time to time, a little bit will trickle through. Nothing compared to the torrents of days past, but enough to keep my hopes alive.

Thankfully, you eliminate the small space between us. Apparently, my growing doubts in my subconscious wouldn’t allow me to be so close. But now is not the time to dwell, it’s the time to be. To do and not think. To experience and not question. To live in these special moments and make memories, because that is what it’s all about.

That’s it. I’ve made up my mind. I summon up my strength and muster up the courage to reach out for your hand. Our fingers interlock and we exchange smiles. Such a simple action. Something I’ve done so many times before. We shared so many more intimate moments but holding your hand in this very second felt like I climbed Mt. Everest.

I feel myself calming down and forgetting. Forgetting all of the extras that come along with us. It’s back to just you and I and our train ride. I feel your hand squeeze tighter as the train departs once again. This time, it should only be like 30 minutes until we reach our final destination.

We sit looking out of the window. In just minutes it feels like we are so far from where we were. As if transported, our scenery becomes more Asian in feel. A lot more reds and ornate dragon statues as we pass through Chinatown. We sporadically point out eye-catching things to pass the time. You know I have a thing for clouds and beautiful skies and a special smile begins to stretch across my face as you start to point them out.

You have an extraordinary knack for making me feel recognized. It’s little things like remembering my interests. It has always been a thing for me. Some annoying itch that would never seem to go away. The sensation of feeling less important, like no one is listening. As if my words and thoughts do not matter. I don’t feel that when I’m with you.

You once told me that you like how I look at you. And how I make you feel like you have my full attention. That there is the feeling of being transported to a different place where it is just you and I. You said that I totally knew exactly what you meant because that is how I feel. You are my focus. You are what matters.

It’s been over two months since I last kissed you. It has been an extremely difficult two months. I still have trouble accepting it. But I respect your wishes because I respect you. I think it would have been easier if it was because I did something wrong. Something concrete I could look back at and identify my mistake. At least that way I could work to fix it. Say I’m sorry. Work to redeem myself. But “us” has never been that easy. Except when it comes to just “us”.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to just let go. Too much of me will always be fighting to hold on. And believe me, it has been a struggle. Holding back my thoughts and words of affection, not letting them escape from me knowing they may make things difficult on you. No “Good morning Beautiful” texts even though I think you look incredible every day I see you. Not touching you. And yes, I mean in the slightest. I’ve literally tried to maintain physical distance just to limit temptation. I sometimes feel my conversation gets a little dry also, too many reservations and road blocks put up to keep me from saying anything that could be misconstrued as anything other than “friendly”. I type texts and end up deleting them. All just to still be in your life to some extent. Even if that is just in passing or as we said as “friends”.

Getting you breakfast everyday was one of the last things I was holding on to. Just a cup of yogurt and granola every morning from work. I’d get 2. Maybe somehow tricking myself into feeling we were enjoying our meal together even though we are both at our desks. Something about knowing you would enjoy your morning coffee with a nice little treat from me meant so much. But even that couldn’t last.

I don’t know if you were trying to be nice. Maybe you knew telling me to stop would be like a punch to the gut. Then hearing you finally ask me not to bring anymore because you were food prepping more and you were more focused on what you ate sounded reasonable. I’m sure it is very true in itself but I racked my brain when I got that text. Deep inside I knew but accepted your explanation for face value.

Author's Note

This is a work in progress. The details surrounding the relationship have gotten complicated and I hit a block. Any comments or advice is much appreciated.

Reviews

[rmarrwrites]

Hi, thanks for uploading this! I hope to write this tenderly one day. Here are a few suggestions. Some of them will be stylistic details, which vary according to writing style.

The first paragraph seems like it has too many short sentences, maybe join some up?
"I arrived at the Santa Fe Depot very excited and very nervous." - comma after Depot, maybe 'feeling very excited and nervous'?
"I keep trying to tell myself, 'you'll be here'. 'You're just running a little behind'" - this sounds like the narrator is telling himself that he will be here, that he's running a bit behind. I'd recommend dropping the quotation marks.
Three taps, three squeezes for a nonverbal I Love you. - maybe italics for I love you?
Maybe a comma instead of a period after "It became a part of my day"?
Though lately - comma after though?
Our notes seem less engaged at times - seem distant at times?
"Awe, so thoughtful" - Aw, so thoughtful
"My hands in my lap." - Maybe you could add how they are placed, eg folded? clasped? interlocked fingers? pressed down flat?
I very specifically make note to not be too close. - maybe I take extra care not to...?
"Your words made me feel better about the tension" - eased the tension?
"though by name it says Nectarine Blossom" - although, by name, it is Nectarine Blossom?
The barista was very nice - friendly? bubbly?
"Eyes no longer on the painting but on each other" - eyes rested no longer...? our eyes were no longer?
"Still reeling a bit from Mac’s words." - For me, at least, sentences dropping the subjects felt a bit out-of-place, we were still...? I was still...?
Comma after "surrounding our details", "details" is unclear. 'Definition of our relationship'?
Comma instead of period for "That’s it."?
"I’d get 2" - 'I would always get two'?
"Then hearing you..." - feels a bit awkward in wording
"you were food prepping more and you were more focused on what you ate" - pare it down? 'you were cooking more and were focusing on what you ate'?

I noticed a tense change in the story as well from past to present.
Many of your sentences are sentence fragments for stylistic effect. For me, at least, this made it feel a bit disjointed.

Beautiful writing, great read. Thank you for your feedback on my story, I hope this is helpful as well!

[Mr. C]

Thank you so much! I truly appreciate it. This is really my first time writing something so detailed and in such great length. I started on my phone and with no intention of it being what it’s turning into. I guess over time I made the shift to my computer and it became more real. I had initial intent of presenting it to the person I was writing about it with hopes it would help bring us back together and I still may. I totally get the shortness of the sentences. I think at first I was just writing guided by the overload of feelings I was having as they came but I will go back to make it connect better. I do like a lot of the suggestions you made. They were very helpful. I’ve never formally written something with dialogue or with inner monologue and I will definitely follow your suggestions on those matters. I look forward to reading more of your work. I must say I am pretty excited. Thank you again.

[rmarrwrites]

Glad to hear it's helpful. I hope this isn't overstepping, but in my experience if you want to communicate something important to someone it's better to write a message addressing them directly.

[Mr. C]

No not overstepping at all. I have thought about that conversation a thousand times. It has to be direct. The story in progress would be more like an added gift. I appreciate you being direct. It is very much appreciated.