Excerpt nine

Excerpt nine

A Story by Mike Lamb

from Jack's Inferno, chapter 24


We catch up on old times over a bottle of Fighting C**k Bourbon, which Coal pulls out of his coat pocket. Coalburner's story goes something like this:

"So I'm at the diner, just f****n' s**t up all over the place, stompin' heads an' crackin' skulls. I'm like Fists of Fury and there's blood everywhere. People are cryin', an' I'm dead drunk just laughin' my a*s off. After a couple a' minutes I start runnin' outta people to hit.

"So now it's just me an' that fat b***h waitress an' the pig dude at the grill. An' they're f****n' PISSED cuz I f****n' broke a buncha s**t and killed everybody. But ya know what? F**K that place! I never even got my goddamn food!

"So anyway, they start talkin' 'bout me payin' for damages or some s**t, so I just charge at 'em like a f****n' rhino. The pig keeps tryin' to swat at me with his little goddamn spatula, but I just deck him in the snout an' dump his fat a*s in the vat! Then the crazy b***h waitress throws coffee in my face, but it wasn't even hot cuz the dumb fuckers don't even know how to make coffee right.

"So now I'm like, oh, you just fucked up now, b***h! I slammed that b***h's face right into the goddamn waffle iron! You should'a seen it! Goddamn, I was shitfaced! Hell, I don't even know how I got here! I woke up in a ditch!"

The three of us (that would be me, Finn, and Memnon) just stare at Coal for a minute, dumbfounded. Then Finn turns to me and says, "So who the f**k is this a*****e, again?"

© 2012 Mike Lamb

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I often wonder why I can't have a bio/resume like Coalburner.
I guess I should try waking up in a ditch more often. (a real character builder)
In the very small town where I now live, someone is always askin' Finn's question in regards to me.... what can I say.

Mike you're like a K-Mart parking lot carnival at a bar-mitzvah.....

Posted 10 Years Ago

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Added on September 15, 2010
Last Updated on March 15, 2012


Mike Lamb
Mike Lamb

greenville, NC

Artist, writer, and a drunken lunatic prophet. I am the author of Jack's Inferno, a dark comedy bizarro/horror novel about Hell, previously published through Wordplague (now defunct). I am also a pro.. more..

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