3 quick excerpts

3 quick excerpts

A Story by Mike Lamb
"

random, from Jack's Inferno

"

1. She slowly straddles me as my eyes meet hers with intoxicated lust. She has a look of innocence about her that is remarkably convincing. She smiles and says something about something that I can't recall. I make a witty remark about something irrelevant.

 

2. I duck under an intricately spiraled spider's web. Its architect, an overfed black widow, is playfully tearing the legs off of a fly. Her mate hides in a dark corner of the web, staring at her. His eight eyes are filled with apprehension.

 

3. A crunching noise breaks the monotonous silence. I look down and see the crushed skulls under my heel. Bones cover the ground like Autumn leaves piled up in an un-raked yard.

S**t. And things were going so well.

© 2010 Mike Lamb


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"She smiles and says something about something that I can't recall. I make a witty remark about something irrelevant."
don't like that. i'm not in this scene. i'm not connecting. if it is indeed witty, then you shouldn't tease the reader like this. it's cruel. we're hear to get your wisdom, not be shied away from it.

2: i like this scene a lot. but there isn't much of an image here, mostly because i want to know the size of the spider web/spider. he ducks under it, but that could be a small one, or it could be a GIGANTIC one. it's really easy to describe this too:
"I duck under the thigh-sized webbing of the spider's home, and I do not stray my gaze from her own. She has..."

i like that, he can't break the gaze of this creature. maybe this could be a certain "power" he has, that when not looking at the creatures, they can attack. lol... just throwing a few bones despite the fact you've written this. it'd be redeeming, that he's had some sort of safeguard... and you wouldn't have to address this power until the very end, when your own character figures out.
just an idea. i don't expect you'll take it, don't worry :P

crushed skulls under his heel... blood! why are you writing this book as PG-13?

Posted 10 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

nothing like keeping a little mystery in a romance.... ah, the eventual awakening to reality. I can smell the carnal bacon and carnage from here....

..... see Mike that's what you get for makin' witty remarks when ya should be gettin' busy. Sounds like lots of fun Mike Lamb style. I'll take extra butter on the popcorn.

Posted 10 Years Ago



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Added on September 21, 2010
Last Updated on September 21, 2010

Author

Mike Lamb
Mike Lamb

greenville, NC



About
Artist, writer, and a drunken lunatic prophet. I am the author of Jack's Inferno, a dark comedy bizarro/horror novel about Hell, previously published through Wordplague (now defunct). I am also a pro.. more..

Writing
Stigmata Stigmata

A Story by Mike Lamb