Self-Inflicted

Self-Inflicted

A Poem by Jaisey Dawn
"

First finsihed poem. Slightly edited.

"
Hiding scars from yesterday
"I’m fine, I’m fine,"
It’s all she can say
Doesn’t matter who asked
No one cares anyway
But just this once
He wants her to be okay
He called but there was no reply
Said he would wait
Until she stopped wanting to die
Something felt strange
He didn’t quite know why 

Good thing he never saw

The tear in the corner of her eye

© 2013 Jaisey Dawn


Author's Note

Jaisey Dawn
Ignore any spelling errors I may have overlooked.

Usure about my paragraphing, any opinions?

My Review

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Featured Review

This is wonderfully written in my opinion. The ending has a kind of foreboding, like there is something the man in the poem doesn't know. I like how it's left to our imaginations to find what she does next.
As for paragraphing and such, it's not bad. Every poem is different, you just have to feel it out.
This reminds me of my writing when I first started, actually. If you use punctuation, people tend to ride the flow better. (Learned from experience.)
All in all, great job!

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jaisey Dawn

7 Years Ago

Thanks for the advice :) I'll try using punctutation, though I do tend to overuse commas and such wh.. read more
Rachel Anderson

7 Years Ago

Think about how a full sentence would look if they weren't separated into lines. This is the advice .. read more



Reviews

Lovely piece

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jaisey Dawn

7 Years Ago

Thank you! :)
zainul

7 Years Ago

You are most welcome :)
Very nice, you exspressd your feelings nicely. There's nothing that I see is wrong with this piece. Very nice wright, keep on wrighting.

-GDM




Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jaisey Dawn

7 Years Ago

Thank you so much!
it is interesting to read
it actually has good content and a nice writing flow to it
I like the fact that she thinks no one cares but he does it is a different take on this kind of write
I am not one to share my opinion much I only look at content but as a reviewer I have options this is not a paid position-
I would change the title it has been overplayed search for a title that grabs your readers this is a good piece of writing but it is a topic written about quite often
grab the reader keep the reader let the reader leave reflecting on your words
thank you I enjoyed this much

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This is wonderfully written in my opinion. The ending has a kind of foreboding, like there is something the man in the poem doesn't know. I like how it's left to our imaginations to find what she does next.
As for paragraphing and such, it's not bad. Every poem is different, you just have to feel it out.
This reminds me of my writing when I first started, actually. If you use punctuation, people tend to ride the flow better. (Learned from experience.)
All in all, great job!

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jaisey Dawn

7 Years Ago

Thanks for the advice :) I'll try using punctutation, though I do tend to overuse commas and such wh.. read more
Rachel Anderson

7 Years Ago

Think about how a full sentence would look if they weren't separated into lines. This is the advice .. read more

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153 Views
4 Reviews
Rating
Shelved in 2 Libraries
Added on March 28, 2013
Last Updated on March 29, 2013
Tags: hurt, pain, poetry, poem, dark, scars

Author

Jaisey Dawn
Jaisey Dawn

Melbourne, Victoria, Australia



About
Girl, 15 I try to be brave and keep fear in control. Writing poetry and stories. So far none make much sense. more..

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