Street-Side Murder

A girl returns home drunk, but something unexpected happens.

It’s not much of a place to live, but it’s all Jennifer Louis can get. She’s 21, barely in the world, and still questioning. Ray, her boyfriend, moved in with her about three months ago. Jennifer stumbles through the hallway and sluggishly lifts her hand to the door knob to let herself in. Ray opens the door and looks into her eyes.

“Are you drunk Jennifer?” She doesn’t realize his question and tries to enter the room, bumping into him.
“Oh. Sorry…” she says and continues to walk into the bedroom and sits down. Ray follows. 

“I can smell the alcohol in your breath,” he states. “Don’t you have work tomorrow?”

“It’s fine I never get hangovers,” she explains. Ray smiles at the lie she likely thought was true.

“Actually you get really bad hangovers,”

“Oh… I do?”

“Yeah.”

“Huh.” She stands up and reaches for Ray’s belt, but he stops her from getting much further.

“You look tired,” he says.

“Yeah. I’m gonna go to bed,” she says, completely forgetting what she tried to do. She lays down, instantly falling asleep. Ray stands up, smirking humorously. He goes outside on the steps, illuminated by the light above him. He pulls out a cigarette and a lighter.  He lets the cigarette hang from his lips and lifts the lighter up the tip. He ignites the flame, lighting the cigarette. He sucks on in for a couple seconds and breathes in, slowly letting out the smoke.  Suddenly the light above him goes out and he stands up abruptly. Suddenly a loud crack sounds nearby and feels a bullet rip through his chest. He falls to the ground instantly killed. Jennifer hears this and sees that the lighter Ray keeps on the dresser is gone. She fears the worst and tries to focus. She runs as quickly as in body will let her. She runs out to the steps and finds Ray’s body at her feet and calls the police. She hears footsteps and looks behind her, seeing a man in black. He lifts up a pistol and she screams. The man pulls the trigger and another loud crack silences Jennifer’s screaming. 

Reviews

[Rana]

Knowing what to reveal is a wonderful skill and coming up with the best ways to reveal it is an even better one, you're good at coming up with plots and giving your ideas a word-ly existence. You've potential :) I want to make suggestions but I don't know if you won't mind or not. But i think I'll go ahead-
"It’s not much of a place to live, but it’s all Jennifer Louis 'could' get." The last paragraph has five consecutive lines beginning with "He" and four consecutive lines beginning with "She" and this kind of obstructs the flow and it's sort of abrupt, noticeable because of how great the flow was in the first half of the story. Again, you're great at dialogues and the characterization is very nicely done through them, conveying the subtleties and nuances. It comes across as very natural, real. I like your works.

[Joey K]

This has to be my favorite review :)
When I make these tiny paragraph, sometimes shorter, stories they're just random idea. I haven't put anything together for it, but I love this scene! I may rework it into something crazy someday.

[Rana]

It's delightful to see the grip you have over all your works, big and small, like you really keep them and look after them and have ideas for how to make them grow. And i do think this scene could be a part of something crazy like you say! And these random little writings are the best. If you collected them and put them in a jar together you'd have some dear treasure.