Downtown Queen

Have you met the mysterious downtown queen?

Have you seen and heard her singing on the street?

She smells of  cocaine, a slight amount of booze,

You'd know from her eyes, she's got nothing to lose.

Have you met the mysterious downtown queen?

Rumors through your ears, everyday of the week,

Have you seen the bruises on her arms and neck?

They say it came from the mister on her bed,

Have you met the mysterious downtown queen?

The rugged exterior marks in your sleep,

Have you seen that bear she holds close in her arms?

They say it came from the child that never was,

Do you know of the mysterious downtown queen?

Have you seen and heard her singing on the street?

She fakes that same smile, everyday of the week,

You've probably met that delusional downtown queen.

Reviews

[Singing Bird]

It's very good Jem and tells a story that is easy to read and understand. In four stanzas you've told this poor unfortunate woman's life and more.
I like the way you have used the introductory repeatable line, it pulls the poem together in a song like way. I've done the same type of thing in one of mine.

[Jem Sagcal]

I did hope that my poem would be seen that way, thank you!

[Singing Bird]

Your so welcome

[Ency Bearis]

A good story poem and nice use of rhyme scheme, well presented piece.

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Jem

Another accomplished piece of writing.

Comments:

Artwork - I love your ability to illustrate your own writing with your own drawing. Mervyn Peake, who wrote the Gormenghast trilogy did the same. It is the expression of two arts in one. Pursue this mixed talent. it will serve you well in the end.

Style and structure - Elegant as you use four quatrains (four lined stanzas). It lends it a certain melody.

Repetition - You skilfully repeat 'Have you met the mysterious downtown queen?' at the beginning of the first three stanzas, only to change it slightly and personalise it to 'Do you know of the mysterious downtown queen?' in the last. You do the same with switching questions 'Have you seen and heard her singing on the street?' (1st and last stanzas) to variants in between.

I do this at times in my poetry and have seen others do it too to full effect.

Sorry to ramble (my habit however irksome) but I love the way Freddie Mercury and Queen do it in their last song before he died in 'Days of our lives.'

1st 'Those were the days of our lives'
2nd 'Cos these are the days of our lives'
3rd 'Those were the days of our lives yeah'

Here is the link to the lyrics, because the switching similarity of the words, retaining but changing the meaning is so effective. Music is poetry in song:

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/queen/thesearethedaysofourlives.html

And here is the link to the youtube video. By listening, you may better hear than read what I mean.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDUmT3wm-0A


It always makes me cry. I am an emotional sort!

Freddie Mercury was so ill at the time this last video was made that it took hours to shoot. This is the ultimate, the mix that can be achieved of writing (lyrics), the graphic (pictures / your drawings) and sound (music), something this site allows us all to do in full measure if we so choose. One of the many excellent things Writers Café has to offer us all.

[ I don't work for them but if the moderators are listening, that last piece of advertising praise is worth at least $10! Bank account details provided on request!].

Content - A sobering piece, which asks us to delve beneath the surface of appearance. To see below the apparent beauty, to cocaine and booze; apparent beauty, to bruises on her arms and neck, the mister on her bed; apparent beauty to the vulnerability of a child who never was, still clinging to her teddy in bed; apparent beauty to faked smiles and delusional.

Do you ever walk down the street, the high-street, on a crowded day and people watch, just catch the eyes of people, when they are not looking and wonder what lies behind; the reality of their lives; the way they live them; the pains they bear and the joys they share?

I do. It is an educative experience and maybe the stuff of the writer in us all.

Like you, we all should do it more (subject to being arrested of course for stalking!)

You may have gathered I like this piece! Can't find fault or I would have told you by now. It always annoys me when I can't find anything to adversely critique. But too bad. Take it as it comes.

Accomplished, with my applause.

And with my kindest regards

James

PS if you can't click on the links, just copy them into your browser.

[Jem Sagcal]

Sir James, thank you again for this review and all the positive things you have said about this piece.

Oh and I absolutely love Freddie Mercury! And for you to compare this piece to one of this song was just awesome, thanks!

[James Hanna-Magill]

Praise where praise is due, James

[Rhianne Ney]

Another simple write--no scratch that, it wasn't simple at all, it was pack with imagery that is susceptible to humanity. Great job (:

[Jem Sagcal]

I truly appreciate the positive reviews you have given me! Many thanks!

[Rhianne Ney]

You're welcome, and please, it's my pleasure

[Pax]

hmmm mysterious downtown queen, a intriguing!
if i ever meet her, I'll tell yah! ;)
i enjoyed the mysteriousness of this write!

[Jem Sagcal]

Hahaha. I'll be sure to wait for that day!
Thank you for this review, Kuya Pax!