Vulnerable and Nostalgic

December 3rd, 2014

Nostalgia.

It's such a funny word. It's such a beautiful word, but it's meaning is something that keeps me up at night until 5 in the morning. It keeps me from living in the moment. The other night I was laying in bed with you, you were... incredible. That word doesn't sound correct. I can't even begin to find the right word to describe how perfect you were and especially in that moment, but I had to ruin it. Nostalgia took over my mind and I couldn't keep going because I knew how I saw you and that you didn't see the same in me. I'll never forgive myself for that because it is more than likely the reason that I can't have you today.

I hate being so nostalgic, but I love myself for being nostalgic.

It's hard to explain.

Time goes so quickly,

and being in that moment...

It's so hard not to contemplate every second

and over analyze every breath

when I should be enjoying myself.

My mind is stuck in the future, knowing that I will be nostalgic of this moment

and it hurts--like my fear of knowing that some day I will be nonexistent.

Never to speak, see, hear, touch, think, feel or even be.

Never to see you at your best, the way you look when you're kissing me, laughing uncontrollably, or in your most passionate moments.

I'll be nothing if even that. That's what makes me so nostalgic.

Knowing that I feel so much in that moment and to others it's just another moment.

Something could mean the most to me and nothing to the person that's less than two centimeters from me.

I don't want to regret doing something and hurt and feel vulnerable, but I am vulnerable.

That's all that I am.

That's why I'm 18, a virgin and single.

I am scared, nostalgic, and vulnerable.

But I don't want to be.

I want to be able to live in every moment especially when I see you at your best.

I'd like to see it more than once.

It's whenever I see your name, any of your names, pop up on my phone or hear it in a conversation, I begin to think back to when you meant everything to me and I meant nothing to you. I think about how you left me when I cared so much. But maybe it's because I give my all but nothing at the same time that you all leave. I let you in, but I also don't. I apologize for being that person. I'm an open book until I frantically close it and beg you to read on at the same time.
I do this because I find you absolutely breathtaking and I need reassurance that you feel any sort of way similar towards me. I can't handle the idea of me being in love with everyone I meet and I mean nothing to everyone.

I can't handle the idea of being left in the dark, alone with my thoughts, uncared for to the point that if I were to die none of you would notice. I hate that I care so deeply and notice every single detail of you and you notice nothing of me.

Why do I care for so many people? It sounds like I don't care at all when I address you all at once, but it's quite the opposite. You all have such a deep place in my heart and have a special meaning to me. I wish I could explain this better or even show you how I feel but I can't and that's my problem! I can never show anyone or tell anyone how I feel because I know you'll just run away. I can't have that anymore. I can't take being left alone, even though you'll do it anyway. Maybe it is best I show my true self and feelings. My only problem now is that I'm too late.

Author's Note

This is just me venting. It's not necessary a poem as much as a writing.