From fear to strength - It is POSSIBLE

A Story by Pancole's Jelly Bean

Read it and tell me how you feel about it. It is about internal fear of my own sexual orientation yet I found strength in it as well.

Deep internal bleeding

I feel deprived of myself

I feel a part of me can never be revealed to some people

I feel like I am a thief, a secret hiding fearful thief

I have not stolen anything from anyone else besides myself

I am depriving myself the freedom to be myself

I hide so people would accept me

I hide so people would not have any chances of judging me in that dimension

I hide so people would be around me

This creates lots of anxiety inside me, the fear, the pain, giving me lots of self inflicted wound not on the outside of my body but inside me

I am in pain

I am letting myself be in pain

Why is it so essential for me to be well-accepted by the outside world?

Because I have never been rejected thus never learn to deal with rejection.

I am filled with desire to be well-accepted in everyone’s mind

Is it true I am being well-accepted now? Of course not at all.

There will always be people who dislike me, there will always be people who do not care about me, talk about me no matter I am straight or gay.

But not to forget, there will always be people who will accept me for who I am, as a matter of fact, it is about accepting me no matter who I am.

They do not care who I like, who I am, what I am, they stand by me.

So, why am I scared? Why am I so fearful?

Putting these into logic is so easy, so easy that I do not have to think about how it works.

But soothing the fear inside me is not that easy anymore.

It is terribly and utterly difficult and challenging but so what?

Am I going to stop curbing my fear, giving in to the struggle of trying to held my head up high and tell the world, I am who I am. You do not change me.

I am not giving in to this never ending struggle and I am going to keep going and moving forward to continue to be who I am.

After all, there are life-long struggles and striving in life.

This is just another part of me, another natural part of life. Another natural part of me.

It is natural to be who I am. It is natural to be who you are.

We shall stand up straight, held our heads up high and we are going to build strong walls to fend ourselves because people fend for themselves no matter who they are.

We accept this life-long struggle as another part of our life. We are going to keep living and be who we are.

Maybe, we shall stay connected.

If everyone of us who are doing very best and living with this unique struggle will make an effort to connect with one another and offer emotional and psychological support to each other, the world will be that much different than it is now.

And so, stay connected is the way to go.

© 2012 Pancole's Jelly Bean

Author's Note

I started this off as a piece to express my frustration and internal struggle to be proud of who I am. As I was writing it, I found a different change in direction. The piece moved naturally from describing pain to expressing the internal strength which I believe everyone of us have in us.