Unfaithful Betrayal and Consquences Never Cease To Amaze

i'm sorry baby. i love you more than anything.

So…

It’s been a little over a month since you left. And 13 days since we broke up. I don’t really know where I’m at right now, but I know it’s far from happy. I miss you more than anything. I wish that I had messed up or betrayed your trust. I just, didn’t really think you’d care all that much. I mean, you didn’t show me much interest most of the time we were together. I don’t want to make excuses, because I know ultimately it’s my fault we split. But still…

I hate that I went into your room the other day to find your charger, and even after a month, it still smells like you. And not like a gross smell, but a familiar smell, one that I associate with comfort and love. So I sat on your bed for a moment and I just cried. Again. No wonder I avoid this place like the plague. It hurts me so bad to know that you’re gone and now, that you’re not mine anymore.

I’m trying to move on, like I’m sure you’ve done quite easily. It’s just…not the same. Lying in the arms of another man, doesn’t bring me the same feelings it did when I would lay next to you. Hearing your phone alarm go off, makes me think things are back to normal and you’re here next to me, but when I open my eyes, it’s just me and whoever is next to me.

The truth is, intimacy isn’t nor will be as good unless it’s with you. I’m hoping it’s just a fluke, but in my heart, I know it’s not. I try to be happy, I try to be okay. At least I’ve stopped crying every day. But not a day goes by that I don’t wish you were here, that I don’t wish we could start over. Long distance is hard, I get that. And obviously it didn’t fare too well with me.  I guess I thought if I could try having what I didn’t have with you, was it worth calling it quits and getting intimacy without the substance? Well, I realized intimacy isn’t amazing, unless it’s with someone I love. I don’t know if that’s true for everyone, but I believe it true for me.

Unfortunately it took me being unfaithful to figure that out. And now, I supposed I’m receiving the consequences. I remember how it feels to be cheated on. I know that feeling all too well. I know how it feels to be lied to. That I know too well also. But see, I can’t even be sure if you really care that much anyway, or if you’re just like, whatever this is just too much.

I can’t stand that you shove your emotions way down below and I’m sure it’s not healthy. I know you never trust anyone and then you started trusting me and then I screwed up. I feel horrible. And I feel it every day. I mean, we had issues, mostly due to your lack of care in our relationship for two months. And I hated feeling like you didn’t care about me like I wanted you too. For the most part, it felt like we were just friends. And I guess, that;s what we started out to be in the beginning. We said, we’re together until we find something better. But I fell for you and your lack of emotion. You told me you would never love me and it hurt more than anything. I didn’t expect you to love me or to even fall in love with me, but you weren’t even open to the idea. It was a flat out no. Do you know how hard it was for me to hear that? Like, what kind of stupid was I to stay with you? You obviously had no attachment to me, which you reminded me frequently. You said, “I could break up with you and not think twice about it.” Nice to know that I meant nothing.

And that’s how it was for a while. But then, something in you changed recently. There were more moments of you acting like, an actual boyfriend. It totally weirded me out, which I guess is kinda sad.

And then it got even stranger. When I decided we should break up, a week before you left, I found I couldn’t break up with you in the midst of our breakup. Who the hell does that? I couldn’t even break up with you, which I found personally pathetic.

Then, not but an hour later, you decided to break up with me. I was hurt, so I left you at my place. Funny how I didn’t kick your a*s out. Then I come back a couple hours later to find you still in my place, talking to Davis. I gave you the cold/nice treatment, which is probably the most dangerous tone of all women. I remember you called me “dear” and I got mad. You call me dear when we’re together. You call me babe on facebook. I know all of these things and I miss them.

But the unthinkable happened. After Davis left, you did something I never expected. You practically begged me back. And not in that pathetic way, in the way where you actually humbled yourself. I could tell it was the hardest thing for you, because you actually showed your emotions. You apologized for everything. You said you’d be a better boyfriend. That you would be more attentive to my feelings, be more affectionate, care about me, that you had more feeling for me than you thought. This was totally new ground for you, I could tell. I even think that you cared about me more than any of your past relationships at that moment. So I took you back.

That week before you left was amazing. I think I fell in love with you more then, than I have these last three months. You took pictures with me, which I know you hate taking pictures. But you did it with little complaints. And we had fun. The pictures came out beautifully.

The day you left was probably the hardest day since I moved here to Japan. I was already mad at you for spending most of the night playing video games with Courtney, then spending the rest of the night packing. I didn’t want to stay mad at you, it being your last night and all, but I was hurt.

You came and laid in bed with me for the remaining two hours you had until you left. I remember laying there, just looking at each other. Neither of us said a word, we just looked into each other’s eyes.  Cheesy, I know. But it was the most romantic moments I have ever had with anyone was just laying there with you.

I remember the tears falling down my cheeks and you telling me it was gonna be okay. Six months isn’t that long. You put your arms around me and pulled me close to you. I wish those two hours could have lasted forever. But like all things, it came to an end. You told me you had to leave. You gave me your keys, and I watched you walk out the door. “I’ll miss you,” I heard you say.

“I’ll miss you too,” I said in a whisper.

Looking back, I should have kissed you goodbye. But I didn’t. I let your door close behind you. I went back into your room and got in bed, under our comforter and cried myself to sleep. I woke up for work and I was sad all day. I couldn’t stop crying. I mean yeah, we haven’t been together super long or anything, but the intensity of the feelings I have for you is more than I ever imagined.

Especially after the last two months, you were my everything. After Richards , your best friend, molested me, you were the only person I felt safe around. And when I had to go sit in Donson’s office and hear what they were going to do about it, I wished you were there with me. Especially, when they told me that it was basically my fault for sleeping next to my best friend. Apparently that’s an open invitation to molest me, according to certain branches of the military’s legal departments. But I needed you to hold me when they told me there’s nothing they could do. That I would have to see the b*****d and know he basically got away with it.

Funny, he was supposed to take care of me when you were gone. He said, it’ll be okay Juli, you have me. And then he went and thought it a good idea to take advantage of me, his girl best friend.

So there I was all alone. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Felt depression full force. Went to my mental health appointment. That was okay. My doctor’s trying to help me cope with being alone and with Richard’s verdict.  But I can’t help thinking things would be better if you were here. In fact, I know they would. But you’re not. So they aren’t.

That week was terrible. And then there he was. You know the one. The one trying to get at me for a long time. You know I’ve been attracted to him and he’s been offering me what you’ve been denying me. And part of me wanted it. But the other part wanted you. We’ve had fights about it before. But then, you said you didn’t care. I could do whatever I wanted while you were gone. Get it out of my system. But then I decided no.

I didn’t want him. I didn’t. I even wrote a damn poem about it. Then, somehow, in the midst of all my misery I felt like I needed it . So I finally said okay. I’ll do it. I’ll find out once and for all.

So, I did it. I cheated. And I felt horrible. I was asked if it was worth it. I mean, well, it was okay, good even. But it wasn’t what I expected. And it wasn’t like I wasn’t attracted to the guy, I mean, I thought he was hot. And he is. But being with him was nothing compared to being with you. Nothing and no one compares to being with you.

When I told you, I was hoping you could forgive me. You didn’t know how to respond. Then you responded by not responding at all. A week went by and you couldn’t say anything. I was already miserable and it added to my misery.

Then, you ended it. It was too much for you.

I figured it would probably happen . But seeing it happened was the worst. I have been completely depressed since the day it happened. I have a hard time getting through the day. But I brave through it, plaster a smile on my face and deal. Because that’s what I’m supposed to.

Courtney, Kyle, and Ashney all try to make me feel better. Well Courtney reminds me that I did this to myself. Guess there’s a reason she’s your favorite person like you told me a month ago. Maybe she’ll be your next girlfriend. I always thought you had a thing for her anyway.  She told me you emailed her. Well, I guess she’ll be the one you go to now. She’ll be your best friend and I’ll be nothing to you.

Either way, I know it’s my fault. And that’s what I hate the most. I hate that I was the one who ruined it for us. Even if you didn’t treat me right half the time.

All I know at this point is that I love you. That I’m in love with you. There’s no one I want to be with except for you.

But, since that’s not an option anymore, I’m trying to move on. Different guys, hoping that maybe I can feel something better than I do with you. Truth is, sex is nothing compared to love. It, in combination with love, is probably amazing. But by itself, it’s not. I would rather have no sex with you and be with you than have sex with guys I have no emotional attachments to. But since the former I can’t have, the latter is what I’ll take I guess. But it gets old. I figure that’s probably not the best option, but hey, we know I’ve never been good at choices anyway.

And I don’t want you to think this is all about me, because it’s not. Far from it. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling. I know you hate it out there. I can tell. And now, you can’t even look forward to me talking to you because you feel betrayed. And I guess that you’re assumption of getting close to someone and getting hurt proved true this time. You said, “I won’t fall in love with anyone, because I don’t want to be hurt.”

You weren’t in love with me, but I think you were in a lot of like with me up until the end. And then I did this to you, which I know hurt, even if you try to deny it. I’m sure you thought, well if I just liked her, then imagine if I was in love with her and she did this to me. But if you were in love with me, then I never would have done it. That doesn’t mean you had to be in love with me for me to stay faithful. And it also doesn’t mean we have to have sex either.

It means that if I was sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you  were 100% into me, than I would have never done it. And yes, you were amazing at the end. But, that was only a week. How do I know that you weren’t gonna treat me right when you came back. See it’s easy to be a good boyfriend when the military takes you away for six months beyond your control and you have limited amounts of time to talk to her. You don’t have to hold her when she cries, put up with her PMS, be affectionate, tear your eyes away from the TV, watch your Stargate without her complaining, or any of that stuff.

I have a horrible self-confidence I guess. After everything with Harry, I need a constant reminder on how much I am cared about. Courtney reprimanded you about telling me I look pretty. You said to me, “Why do I have to tell you you’re pretty? Can’t you just know that? All of your guy friends tell you that, why do I have to?”

You don’t have to. I just wish you would. It doesn’t have to do with my needing to hear it. It has to do with you appreciating me, or when I go out of my way to look pretty for you. It has to do with you wanting to show me off and be proud that I’m your girlfriend.

But I guess that’s all over now. You don’t have any obligations to me. You’re free now. No more of having to take care of me when I have a mental breakdown. No more goodnight kisses. No more having to share  your bed with me.

In the end, you got the better end of the deal. When it comes to us, I mean. You don’t have to deal with me anymore. You can forget about it. You have 5 more months to pretend it never happened, to bury any actual emotions you have right now by then.

Me, well, I got the sucky end of the deal. Sure, I get to have sex now, which is cool I guess. Not really. I kind of lose interest fast. I don’t want a relationship with anyone. I’m so done with relationships for a while. I walk around like a zombie these days. I work and I sleep. That’s pretty much my day. And every night, I wish you were here with me, bitching about it being too hot, or me being on your side of the bed.

I cry all the time, because I know I screwed things up. I wish more than anything you would give me a second chance, as I did for you. True, it’s not as bad as what I did to you, but getting treated like s**t for two months was no picnic either. But whatever, this isn’t about calling it even. This is about the fact that I’m full-blown absolutely in love with you. And now I have to deal with it. I have to deal with the fact that I don’t even have you as a boyfriend anymore.

Everything has consequences. That’s for damn sure.

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

sorry for the length. i'm trying to decide if i should send this to him or not. maybe leave it for him when he comes home. idk. idk anything anymore

Reviews

[Rico Suave]

I know I'm not on much, but I'm glad I came back to check out your writing. Now I know what you're going through... and I really am very sorry. Sometimes I wish I could contact you easily, I've been wondering how you're doing. I guess I should just come here more often. You can always try calling my cell on Skype, I put some more money on it. I'm sorry you're feeling so down these days. Believe it or not, I know what you're feeling. The truth is, with time, the pain will numb. But quite honesty, it never goes away. All you can do is cherish your memories and learn from them. Give me a call sometime, I miss you. :)

[These Haunted Hallways]

Wow. I really dont know what to say. Great way of explaining things tho, that was good. Im sorry this happened to u guys. I really do have my own views about relationships and stuff. The motto these days should be: "Before u do it, you must go thru it!" lol. Idk. Sending this letter might help, or maybe it wont, im really not sure. It explains a lot, and it is to the point. I can understand that people are different. They do different things. Peoples' lives are different. And if these people love each other in some way, and want to be in a relationship or want to be in a relationship one day, the main thing is to always try and stay faithful to one another. That's the best thing i can say at the moment hehe. I truly do hope things work out for the best, and good luck to u hun :)

M.