Bird with a Broken Wing

Friends try to be helpful when I am struggling with my feelings about my husband's suicide

Bird with a Broken Wing

I woke up this morning

and saw a bird lying on the ground

with a broken wing

Everyone just walked by her and wondered if that bird would ever fly again. 

But no one questioned how she broke her wing

Or whether she was in pain. 

They all just wanted to fix it

To fix her 

To fix her broken wing 

But not her broken heart

I am that bird

My wing broke when I jumped without thinking

and then I saw you fly away from me

and I don’t know how I will ever heal.

My friends know my wing is broken

but they don’t talk about it.

They don’t want to see it

and I don’t want to show it to them

They want to tell me how to make it better

but they’ve never had a broken wing

so they don’t know

They want to help me

but they don’t know how

they want to tell me stories

but they don’t want to hear mine

They want to wrap it and bandage it

but they don’t want to know how much

it hurts. All the time.

They want me to fly again

but they don’t see that I am grounded

and that only I can heal that broken part of me

They give me suggestions and they give me advice

They think they know me better than me

they don’t want to listen 

they want to talk

they don’t want to hear

they want to make it 

all better

so they don’t have 

to hear the pain

inside of me. 

They give me quick solutions

easy answers, glib responses.

They pick me up and they hold me

but they don’t want to hear me cry

They admonish me for breaking

 it in the first place

they tell me he was bad for me

they never liked him anyway

I told them too much

I talked too much

I felt so much that I couldn’t say

so I said what I thought 

they wanted to hear

I relied on them

and not on him

I believed them when they told me

I had to fly solo

I had to get out of the nest

out of the tree

even though I didn’t think 

I was ready to fly

I was afraid to fly

Afraid to stay

Afraid to say

I’m sorry

I’m sad

I’m hurting

I thought I had to do it on my own

I listened to everyone else

They said to fly

They said I could do it

He said ignore the texts

He is just manipulating you

She said put the date 

of your flight 

on your calendar 

so you don’t forget

that you have to leave

and I listened to them

and not to my heart

and not to his cries

“You’re killing me” he said

I wanted to be right

I wanted to be strong 

I wanted to stay the course 

they had set for me

It wasn’t their fault

It wasn’t his fault

I heard what I wanted to hear

and I believed I was strong enough

to fly away and not get hurt

I wanted them to be right

and him to be wrong

I wanted to stop talking and

start doing, start living 

without him

but I was dying instead

and so was he

and we couldn’t see

Each other

Or the pain we were causing 

Or what I was doing to him

and what he was doing to me

It’s so sad and so true

They all say it wasn’t my fault

but I know it was.

I crashed the plane.

and he is gone, he flew away on my wing

and a prayer

he flew away because I left

I left him alone

all by himself

and I didn’t take his texts

and I wasn’t there for him

and I can’t forgive myself

and now my wing is broken

and I will never fly again.

He was my wing and I was his.

He said he would never leave me

So I left him. 

I crashed the plane

How can they not see that?

Please stop telling me it 

wasn’t my fault

Just let me cry

Hear my cries

Hold me, love me

hear me . . .

That is what will heal my wing.

Don’t pretend you know how I feel

let me tell you

and I will

If you’ll listen

quietly, without your words

Just be there and hold my tears

and heal my wing 

and let me soar again.

Author's Note

All comments and criticism is welcome. I want to be a better writer