Reps. Episode One

Reps. Episode One

A Screenplay by Jonas Hughes

A hilarious journey in a fictional house of Reps







Opening Scene: There is a shot of a greyhound bus traveling down a country road.  The surrounding landscape is farms, and other things that make sure you know its middle America. The background music playing is the Carpenters “We’ve only just begun” .  The truck is moving along when it comes upon a Mennonite or Amish person slowly plodding down the road.


Cut to inside of the bus. The camera moves down aisle showing what the freshman representatives are doing to keep them selves busy during this particularly long ride.  The camera moves from the front to the back.  The first rep the camera shows has her head phones on, and sitting next to her is a audio book package of Roberts Rules of Order.  The camera keeps moving to the next rep who it typing furiously on his blackberry cursing to himself. The camera continues to glide down the aisle, this time a freshman is sleeping with a newspaper over his face to block out the light.  Moving on, another freshman is looking out window watching the farms pass by.  Another rep is typing on her lap top, lying in the seat next to her is a how to write you own legislation.  As the camera sweeps to the back there are two reps sitting at the back of the bus.  They seem to be looking at what’s going on at the front of the bus.  The camera swings around to show what is going on at the front of the bus.


Camera cuts to a  frame filling shot of a tall lanky man standing with a microphone in his hand.  He glasses on that were cool ten years ago, and suit that fits him badly. But he thinks he is the hottest thing since slice bread. He turns to the bus driver, and gives the finger across the neck motion to cut the music [The bus driver rolls his eyes] He turns on the microphone, and loud feed back fills the bus. All of the freshman snap out their own worlds.


Lanky Man: May I have your attention please? Thanks. How is everyone doing today? (Before anyone can answer he keeps talking) I’m glad you all could make the tour this year, and everything has gone wonderful, except for that mishap at the mens prison. [As he is saying this, he kind of shifts uncomfortably]


Flashback:  The lanky man is left behind during the tour, and is stuck in general population.  By the time everyone knows he is missing, they come back to find him, and he has a full face of make-up, his shirt tied into a not on the side, and the prisoners were making him dance  to Sir Mix a Lot, “Baby got Back”


Lanky Man:  But other than that everything has gone smoothly, and may I remind everyone that this tour is like Vegas. How you ask? [Again he doesn’t wait for anyone to answer] Because what happens on the tour stays on the tour, everyone got that.


A voice from the back the of the bus cracks wise: I’ll bet sugar booty.


Lanky Man: [Pretending not to hear the comment] Anyways, as we head back to the capitol I’m not sure if any of you noticed, but I had the carpenters playing one of their hits “We’ve only just begun”.  I was hoping some of you would listen to the lyrics, and get what I was trying to say.  People, we are about to embark on a journey that not may get to take.  You all have been elected  to serve the people of this great state…


The camera cuts to the back of the bus before he names the state ( I thought as a running joke in the first season we don’t give the name of the city, or we use a really generic name so people keep guessing) At the back of the bus the two reps are just sitting there listening to the lanky man.


The freshman rep in the very back leans up, and nudges the rep in front of him to get his attention. He turns to face his colleague.


Descriptions: (Just thoughts waiting for your input) 

·         Tom Parker: Old White Man.  His is in his fifties, and has a ring of white hair around the large bald spot on his pink head. Pink from working in the sun.  He is wearing an out of date sport coat, with non matching pants which are the seam at the bottom is coming out.  His cowboy boots you can tell have actually been used for quite some time. His neck is literally red from all his hard work.

·         Aidan Quinn: Is very well dressed. His suit is tailor made, and his shirt, tie, and shoes coordinated to perfection.  He has the latest haircut, and you can tell he uses hair products.  His hands are manicured, and very soft to the touch.  He has a rainbow on the lapel of his suit to signify that he is openly gay.



Tom Parker: Hi, I’m Tom Parker; 38th District

Aidan Quinn: Nice to meet you, Aidan Quin, 125th

Tom: Whoa, you got a fun one didn’t you?

Aidan: Fun one?

Tom: You know your district is a fun one compared to mine. Hell all I have farms, and run down factories.

Aidan: I’m sure your district has something special to offer, all of in this great state of…

Tom: Jesus, would you give it a rest. We ain’t on the campaign trail no more, you won.

Aidan: I know we are not on the campaign trail, but that doesn’t mean I don’t believe every district is special

Tom: List Aidan, if I get anymore smoke up my a*s the tobacco company is gonna stamp a tax stamp on my a*s, and put me on a shelf

Aidan: [Laughs] That can’t be good. Nothing like something up the a*s, eh. [He laughs]

Tom: [Missing the Hint] Speaking of something up the a*s. I hear there’s a homo in our class.

Aidan: No kidding, You got any idea who it is?

Tom: I have a couple of guesses.  I have been sitting back here watching everyone because I got bored, and I figured I’d find out now so I could steer clear of the butt pirate. [laughs] Know what I mean?

Aidan: I suppose. How are you going to figure it out? [He gets up to sit next to Tom] Is there something that makes them stand out?

Tom: [Leaning in Aidan] Whispering: Ever here of that show about the three queers who go around making them fellas get all gussied up for their gals.

Aidan: Yeah I know the show. My partner Tivo’s it every week. [Rolling his eyes]

Tom: [Again missing the hint, continues on] Tell me about it. My youngest watches every week, and she what you call it?

Aidan: Tivo?

Tom: Yeah, she does that. Anywho, I get to watching that there show, and my youngest says to me pretty soon Dad, you will have gaydar. Gay what? I says. I ain’t never gon have gay nuthin. She laughed, and told me what it was. Do you know what it is?

Aidan: I’m familiar with the term.

Tom: Of course you are, In a big city district like you yours, it seems to me that you would need it?

Aidan: [Crosses his legs in a feminine matter] Why, so I could seem comin, and steer clear? [slightly mimicking a country accent]

Tom: You’re damn right. Between their damn parades, and gay bars, y’all probably got them coming out of your ears.

Aidan: Yes, there are a lot of homosexuals in my district.

Tom: Jesus Christ, and from what I hear all they do is  complain. If I were you I’d be ready for an earful. Christ, I can only imagine the s**t they will put in your lap. Gay Marriage, Gay Soldiers, Gay Adoption. They want the whole damn world to be gay!

Aidan: What would be so bad about that?

Tom: [Turns quickly to Aidan] Just what the hell do you mean?

Aidan: I mean a world full of happy people, that’s what gay means right? Happy.

Tom: HA HA HA you know what the hell I mean.


Off Camera: Lanky Man: Could you gentlemen in the back please pay attention. This is information that won’t be repeated.


Tom & Aidan: Sorry.

Aidan: Please Continue.

Tom:[Nudges Aidan with his elbow] Whispers: I bet you a hundred dollars that its him with microphone.

Aidan: Is that what you gay dar tells you?

Tom: Yup.

Aidan: Alright. I will take that bet my friend. Shall we shake on it.


They shake on it. The Camera cuts back to the lanky man.


Lanky Man:  As I was saying before I was interrupted my name is Jeff Sizemore, and I am the  Chief Executive of his office.


Off Camera: You mean Head Secretary!!! Bus erupts in laughter.


Jeff: [Face red with anger] I’m glad to see we’ve got a funny man in this years class. This is not the time for jokes, people. You are elected officials and I expect you to damn well act like it.


Camera shows the shocked look on every ones face. They begin turning, and looking at each other waiting for someone to say something. There is a dead silence hanging in the air. Jeff is standing in the front of them as if he just put them in their place. The camera cuts back to Jeff.


Jeff: As Chief….


Off Camera: Hey sugar butt, I thought you were going to cry. If we didn’t pay attention. Lil’Jeffie get mad


Jeff: That’s it. You all think you’re so cool don’t you. Just getting elected to public office, and you’re going to change the world. Come down here and show’em how things get done. Well all of you can just suck my…..


The bus driver puts the carpenters back on before any expletives could be heard. Everyone knew he said it, but the bus driver had saved his a*s. Jeff slams down in his seat in a huff. Refusing to finish the rest of his monologue that he had reversed all night in the lounge of the days inn.  One of the female reps gets up to sit next to him.   She puts her hand on his shoulder, and he then puts his hand over hers. [This could possibly lead to a romantic plot line as the show goes on.] The bus is still silent. The camera is positioned in a way so that you can see all of the reps. The two in the back are still whispering. One of them is laughing, and the other seems to be a bit annoyed. The woman with the headphones has taken them off, and is asking questions. She missed everything because she was learning to write legislation from a company who has never even been apart of the process. “Legislation for dummies” The lone rep who was watching the farms pass, as the bus made its way to the capitol.  He is a good looking black man. Smooth Mocha skin on an athletic body. His suits fits to perfection, and he makes the clothes. In this case the clothes do not make the man.  He has an aura around him,that makes people notice him when he walks into the room. His not arrogant, but he is confident. He gets up from his seat, and walks to the front the bus. It is almost a swagger, and all eyes are on him. Even the bus driver is watching him using the rearview .  He stops at Jeff, and simply reaches his hand out for the microphone. His doesn’t ask for it, he expects. Jeff hesitates a little before giving him the microphone.


The camera is focused on the rep as he stands in the middle of the aisle, he turns his head slightly so he can see the driver out the corner of his eye in the mirror. They make eye contact, and the rep nods. The driver cues the microphone, and his voice fills the bus.


Black Rep: Hello everyone my name is Thurgood Marshall Donaldson III. My friends call me Tre. I was elected to represent the 67th district. It is a predominantly African American district, and I intend to represent it to the best of my ability.  That being said, brings me  to my next point. I will not allow any of you to pigeon hole me as simply being a black representative who is going to do black legislation.  Don’t get me wrong, I am proud to be black, and I going to my best to help improve the lives of my people, but I am also hear to represent all people of this great state.  I look forward to working with all of you on your legislation this session,  By shedding all labels, and disregarding color, and actually judging people by the content of their character we might be able to get something done.  I don’t want to talk to long so I will leave you with this.  We were elected as democrats and republicans but I urge you all to go into this with the mindset that we are legislators. Not democrats, Not Republicans. We are legislators, and together we can kick a*s to make this state the best thing since the first season of the Dave Chappelle show.


The whole bus erupts in laughter, and applause.  You can visibly see how the atmosphere has lightened up.


Tre: I think we should all probably introduce ourselves so that by the time we reach the capitol maybe, just maybe we might make some friends. What do you say? Who wants to go next?


The camera pans out to show everyone on the bus. They are looking at each other waiting to see who was going to take the microphone.


The camera cuts to Tom and Aidan sitting in back. Aidan is clapping and laughing. Tom is half clapping, and seems a bit perturbed. 


Tom: [leaning in to Aidan] Who does that boy think he is? Getting up like he runs the place. He’s talking nonsense about not being democrats or republicans. I was elected to be a republican, and by god that what I’m going to do. I don’t care what some slick talking coon from the city says.


Aidan: [Visibly Angry] Actually I think he made a lot of sense you pig shoveling son of a b***h.

Tom: What the? Who the f**k do you think you’re talking to?

Aidan: I’m talking to you. You red neck cocksucker.


Aidan stands up, and begins walking to the front of the bus. All eyes are on them because of the argument.  His is half way up the aisle when he stops. He motions for  Tre to throw him the microphone.  The camera follows the microphone from Tre’s hand through the air until it lands in Aidan’s.  Before he turns on his microphone, he looks at Tom [seething with anger. Sitting with fist balled. His face so red you have mistook him for rudolph’s nose]


Aidan: Oh, and by the way. You owe me One hundred dollars.


Then it hits Tom. The hints that he missed before flashback in the form of a montage.  The legs crossing, the sly comments, all of that stuff. He falls back  into his chair the anger drained from him, and replaced by embarrassment. [potential plotline: Aidan has made a permanent enemy of Tom that will lead to battles down the line. He stares at Aidan as he turns on the microphone.


Aidan: Hello everyone, please forgive our outburst. We’re just two reps getting to know each other, and find out who we really are. It’s funny ya know, not we get to meet the real people behind the campaign pictures. Anyways, My name is Aidan Quinn, I represent the 125th district, and I am the first openly homosexual to be elected to office in this Great State.

Fade to Black


Fade in. We are now in the capitol building inside of the minority leaders office. Interns are scurrying about like worker bees.  The office is big, and full of huge wooden furniture. It looks like an office of old money, and where deals are made.


Minority Leader: [yelling into the outer office] Do we know how far the freshman bus is away from the capitol? [Turning to a man sitting at a tiny desk in the corner of his office.] Is my speech ready yet? And for Christ sake don’t make me sound like such a candy a*s this session.  Last time they thought I was a frickin boy scout with no nuts.  Make sure this time they know I am ready for war.

Man at desk: Don’t worry. This time they will know who the boss is.


The camera zooms in on the notes the man had been taking. As he finished talking had wrote something down, and circled it. It read “Me”


The man at the table hands an intern a packet.


Man: Take this to the Speakers office, and hurry up.


Without answering the intern turns and leaves the office. The camera follows the intern out of the office.  The camera pans out so the magnificence of the building can be seen as he makes his way to the speaker’s office.  There are murals on the walls, and the floors are made of marble. You can see the time and effort put into making this one of the most majestic capitol buildings in the United States.  The intern is taking the long way to the speakers office, and interacts with many people along the way. [This will allow us to establish characters along the way, security guard, other interns, house press agent, reporters, etc.]  He finally makes it to the speakers office, and he tries to hand the packet to the secretary.


Secretary: Don’t give it to me, take it into Vivian.

Intern: Yes M’aam

Secretary: [Shouting] Viv, got a gopher here with a packet for you.


Off Camera: Send him in.


The camera follows the intern into the office, and follows him to a woman sitting a large desk in the corner of a a huge office. This office puts the minority leaders office to shame. This office is fit for a king, and the speaker knows it.


Speaker: Minority Leader: [yelling into the outer office] Do we know how far the freshman bus is away from the capitol? [Turning to a man sitting at a tiny desk in the corner of his office.] Is my speech ready yet? And for Christ sake don’t make me sound like such a candy a*s this session.  Last time they thought I was a frickin boy scout with no nuts.  Make sure this time they know I am ready for war.

Woman at desk: Don’t worry. This time they will know who the boss is.


The woman is taking notes at the desk. The camera zooms in on what she scribbling down on a pad in front of her. There are hearts, and things all over the page. [This is just an idea. We can establish that maybe they are having an affair. It will just give us more material to work with.] Vivian is an obviously sexy woman, but she tones it down through drably outfits, and glasses that she doesn’t even need.  [Of course referring to the women in the world of politics who are pretty, but must hide it in fear of not be taken seriously by their peers. This is true because politics is full of horny old men who are often times blatantly sexist which can be touched upon the reason womens rights are often legislated, and they have to answer to a government about their bodies when men would laugh at such an attempt. Yet they fight every year for their right to choose something that has nothing to do with men but their own bodies]


Camera shows her sitting at her desk tapping her pen on the pad deep in thought trying to think of a speech for the speaker. You can see the speaker over her shoulder with his feet up on the desk tossing a ball up in the air. Basically playing catch with himself.


Speaker: Did you hear me Viv, I want to sound tough, but don’t make me sound like to much of a hard a*s. Know what I mean? Did you ever see Rocky?


Vivian: Is that the movie about the boxer? [she answers without turning around]

Speaker: Is that the movie about the boxer? [He ask incredulously] Jesus, yes the movie about the boxer!

Vivian: I think I saw one of them when I was younger. My older brother used to watch them the night before his football games in high school.  He liked that tiger song that played in it.

Speaker: Yeah, Eye of the Tiger, great song. How old are you anyway.  I can’t believe you haven’t seen Rocky. I am getting old. I remember a time when everyone saw Rocky, even if you didn’t see movies often, you at least saw Rocky.

Vivian: Sorry sir, I haven’t seen it.

Speaker: How many times do I have to tell you call me Earl when we’re in the office. You don’t have to be so formal. You’re apart of the team now. Understand?

Vivian: Yes sir, I mean yes  Earl.

Earl: That’a girl. How’s that speech coming along?


The camera shows her balling her fist. She is obviously frustrated because he won’t stop talking to her to let her finish. The hearts now have arrows through them. The intern who has been standing there the whole time, but off camera makes a noise to remind them he is still in the room. The camera cuts to him just standing there. He is in a shirt, and tie. No jacket. He has on tan dockers or something like that. Obviously this is the first time he has had a job where he had to dress up.


Earl: Damn boy, I forgot you where there? Do you need something else?

Intern: I was wondering if during your spare time sometime if you could give me some advice on how to get into politics.

Earl: As the speaker I don’t get very much spare time, I’m pretty busy making sure this house runs right.  Why don’t you see if you can get my secretary to check my calendar to see if there is sometime where we can sit down. That sound good? But I have to warn you. Session is about to start, and I’m booked solid.

Intern: All I need is a few minutes sir, I just have a couple of questions?

Earl: Don’t we all. I’ll see what I can do, okay. What’s your name anyway kid?

Intern: Tad, Sir.

Earl: Don’t call me sir Ted. Call me Rep. Hannigan. Well, Ted I look forward to our sit down but I’m kind of busy right now. I got a speech to write for this session’s freshman, and it ain’t going to write itself. So if you will excuse me I’ve got to get back to work. Nice to meet you though. Stop at Sandra, my secretary’s desk on the way out to have her put you on the calendar.  Take it easy, Tom.


The camera follows Tad out of the speakers office into the front office where the secretary sits.  She is an older white woman with white hair with a grayish tint. She can tell she is a long time smoker. She has on a matronly outfit with glasses perched on her nose. The small kind, so she can look other them at you. Tad stands at the desk for a few moments before she acknowledges his presence. The name plate at the edge of desk is surrounded by pictures of grandkids and other knickknacks that all secretaries seem to collect over time. [The stuff with the quotes or the quaint little things meant to be funny like: Life’s a b***h, then you marry one] The name plate reads: Mrs. Henrietta Johnson.


Henrietta: Leave a name and number, and we’ll call you with the time and date.

Tad: Yes M’am


Off Camera conversation from the speakers office can be heard.

Earl: Ya know Viv. We ought to get together some night to watch Rocky at my place.

Vivian: But sir…

Earl: Viv, What did I say about that?

Vivian: I mean Earl, aren’t we going to be to busy most nights?

Earl: Oh hell Viv, I just told that Todd kid that so he’d get the hell out of here. [Laughs] Do you know how many interns ask me that every session. If I had a dollar, heck, if I had a quarter for every time they ask me that. I quit this job tomorrow.


The camera shows Tad looking into the speakers office. He obviously heard the speaker, and the speaker doesn’t know that Tad is still in his office within earshot.  Tad looks at Henrietta, and she just shrugs her shoulders looking him in the eyes.


Henrietta: Welcome to politics, kid.


Tad doesn’t say anything in response. He hands her his contact information, and turns to walk out of the office.


Tad: A*****e [whispers]

Henrietta: You don’t know the half of it. [smirking because she hold him]


Embarrassed, Tad hurries from the office. The camera follows him down the hall once again to showcase the beauty of the building. This time as he walks down the hall, the camera is shooting a profile shot of him so that it can also show a beautiful mural painted on the wall that is a painted history of how the state was pioneered, founded, and evolved.  He is walking down the hall when he reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a cell phone.  The camera zooms in on the phone. When the camera zooms back out from the phone, the scene is now a woman sitting the bathroom of the bus talking on her phone.  It is the woman rep who was listening to “Legislation for Dummies” She is a woman in her forties, but she looks good for her age. She is the soccer mom type. You can tell she has money because she has on nice clothes. Designer labels, and the phone she is using is top of the line. Her mascara is running because she has been crying, obviously because of the phone call she is on. In the other hand not holding the phone she is clutching a Kleenex. She is arguing with her husband.


Husband [on phone]: I thought you said you would be home by now, Ellen.

Ellen: We’re on a tour of the state, I just can’t leave in the middle of it.

Husband: When I agreed to let you run, you told me it wouldn’t interfere with our normal schedule.

Ellen: I didn’t know that it would be this long, honey. [sobbing]

Husband: I don’t even know why you’re even bothering with this crap. It was a miracle you won. You don’t even know what the hell you’re doing. You’re just going to going to make a fool of yourself, and worst of all you are going to make a fool of me. And to top it all off you get elected as a goddamn DEMOCRAT!! [Yelling]

Ellen: Why are you being like this? Why can’t you just support me on this one thing? I have given you my life, and I’m just asking you to support me on this one thing. This one time, when I need you to be here for me. Why are you being such an a*****e? [still sobbing.]


The camera is at angle where you can see her face, and how upset she is. She is constantly wiping the tears from her face.


Husband:  A*****e? I’m not the one who just abandoned her family…

Ellen: [cutting him off] What are you talking about? Why are you making such a big deal of this. I don’t get why you can’t be happy for me. Why can’t you be on my side just one time. Is that so much to ask?

Husband: All you going to do is screw up. This is just another one of your fads that you latch on to. Last time it was Avon, the time before that it was scrap booking, the time before that it was bonsai trees. I let you do all of that crap, but this is different. You just can’t quit this when you get bored. You don’t know even know a damn thing about politics. You’re just going to make a fool of yourself. All the guys at the bank, and at the country club are laughing at me. I even heard that they have a betting pool on how soon you screw something up.

Ellen: Who cares what they think? They are all a bunch of stuck up a******s anyway, who keep their wives locked up. If you love me you will support me on this. This time’s different. I’m going to make a difference, can’t you understand that.  This is a chance for me to prove to people that I am more then just your trophy wife. That I have a brain, and I’m going to use it.

Husband: You are so f*****g stupid. [very harsh]


Suddenly we see a change in Ellen. Her face looks as if she can’t believe what she just heard.  Her sits up, and sees her reflection in the mirror. Her make up is a mess, and there are tear bags under her eyes. Its as if something clicked inside of her. You can see the strength in her eyes. Growing.


Ellen: What did you just say? [almost growling]

Husband: You heard me.

Ellen: No, I don’t think I did. Say it again so I’m sure I heard you right.

Husband: I said YOU…ARE….SO….F*****G….STUPID…..did you get it that time. [he says coldly]

Ellen: How dare you…you…you..

Husband: You what? [in a smart as tone]

Ellen: You little dick son of a b***h. You goddamn little pecker, non-screwing, premature ejaculating, c**k sucking son of a b***h. [yelling at the top of her lungs]

Husband: Wha….

Ellen:[cutting him off] You little weasel mother f****r. Where do you get off calling me stupid. I did you goddamn papers all through law school a*****e. Remember that a*****e. I was f*****g cum laude. You dumb f*****g little man. My d***o has more personality then you. That’s right I have a f*****g d***o, and guess what else? You can f**k off. [literally yelling at the top of her lungs. She is red in the face and damn near out of breath.]


The camera cuts to everyone in the bus staring at the bathroom door.  It is all quiet for a moment, and then Ellen walks out. But before she walked out, she took the time to clean her self up. She fixed her make up, straightened her clothes, and redid her hair. She walks out of the bathroom like nothing ever happened.  The camera is positioned at the front of the bus so you can see every one watching her walk back to her seat. She walks by Aidan & Tre who are now sitting togther. After she passes them, the camera zooms in on those two.


Tre: [Leaning towards Aidan] I’m glad she’s on our side.

Aidan: You know Tre, I think we are in for one hell of a ride.


All eyes have shifted back from Ellen to the rep who was at the front of the bus who was introducing herself before the bathroom argument. She is staring at Ellen in disbelief.  She is a middle aged woman dressed in a very matronly manner.  She is clutching a bible in one hand, and the microphone in the other.  The bus is silent waiting for her to continue, but she continues to stare blank faced at Ellen. It takes her a second to realize that she staring, and everyone is waiting for her to continue her introduction. She clears her throat, and fixes her throat broach, makes sure her hair bun is still firmly in place. [She should bring to mind the stereotype old school teacher who would smack you hand with the ruler, and tell bad kids that they would burn in hell unless they turned to God’s light. Basically she’s a religious zealot.]


Zealot Rep: As I was saying before the interruption my name is Magdelynn Elizabeth Archer, and I am the representative for the 24th district.  First and foremost I am a Christian, and I believe that God has called me to this position to be a Sheppard to tend to his wandering flock. I intend to fight such atrocities such as abortion, gay marriage, and other sacrilege. [Looking directly at Ellen] My child, God will even forgive you for speaking in such a vulgar way.


Camera Cuts to Ellen.


Ellen: Forgive this. [She gives Magdelynn the Finger]


The camera cuts back to Magdelynn. She has a look of shock on her face, and the bible clutched to her heart. The bus is filled with laughter.  Magdelynn’s face is flushed with embarrassment.


Magdelynn: You filthy liberals are the reason that are state is falling apart. Our moral fiber has nearly disappeared. You allow condoms to be passed in our schools, while you teach our innocent children about fornication.


The bus erupts into laughter once again.


Magdelynn: Laugh all you want, sinners. I was elected by my congregation, I mean, my constituents to save our great state, and that’s what I intend to do.  I won’t allow all you people [pointing a finger at everyone in a sweeping motion] to put us on a path to hell. May the lord have mercy on your souls.


She then tosses the microphone in the lap of Jeff. He just stares at her as she walks past. The camera follows her to her seat where she sits down, and promptly opens her bible.  The camera pans back so that we can see Tom walking to the front of the bus. He is fixing his boa tie as he walks up the aisle. As he walks past Aidan & Tre, Aidan sticks his foot out to trip him, but Tom hops over it. He turns to say something to him, but Aidan winks and blows him a kiss. Flustered, Tom continues to the front of the bus. Jeff hands him the microphone, and he turns to face the rest of his colleagues.


Tom: Contrary to what some of you might think. I am a nice guy. I work hard, and I got elected for that very reason.  I intend to fight for the farmers of the 38th, and those spread throughout the rest of this state.  I hope all of you give me a fair shot, and get to know the real me.


Camera cuts to Aidan & Tre.


Tre: [whispers] who, the racist a*****e?

Aidan: [whispers] or the homophobic closet case!! [Both burst out in laughter]


Off Camera: Tom: I look forward to working with all you no matter you race, creed, or sexuality. [A lying politician, who would have thought!]


Camera cuts back to Tom who is glaring at the both of them. [Obviously we have  created a feud between these three that can lead to more plot lines as the show progresses.] He had been talking the whole time even though Tre & Aidan were whispering.


Tom: That about sums it up for me. Thank y’all for listening, and let’s enjoy the rest of this ride. Shall we? Oh, by the way drinks on me tonight at the local bar. Don’t worry about which one, if there is liquor to be found I’ll find it.[laughs, but he is the only one laughing.]


He tries to hand the microphone to jeff, but he had fallen asleep. Tom nudges him awake. Jeff awakes with a start, and says:


Jeff: Please, bubba I don’t wanna dance anymore.


He realizes he is awake, and is quite embarrassed. He looks around to see everyone smothering laughter, even the bus driver. He stands up in front of everyone,  wipes his brow, and fixes his tie. He clears his throat, and stands there silently.


Bus Driver: We pulling up to the capitol now, sir.

Jeff: Thank God.



The camera pulls back to show the reps on the bus getting their things together. The bus driver is watching them all intently. He makes eyes contact with Jeff in the rear view mirror, and Jeff gives him an affirmative nod. The bus driver then gets up from his seat with the microphone in hand.  The camera shows all of the reps looking perplexed. Camera cuts to Aidan & Tre.


Aidan: Jesus, this friendly service stuff is getting out of hand.

Tre: If he pulls out a survey, I swear my first piece of legislation will be to ban surveys [both laughing]


The camera cuts to the bus driver standing in front of the bus. He takes off his hat, and jacket to reveal an expensive shirt, tie, and suspender combination.  The shirt is monogrammed, and has cufflinks.


Bus driver:  Excuse me, Before you have chance to get off I would like a word with you.


Off Camera: Don’t worry we were going to tip.


Camera cuts to jeff.


Jeff: All right already! Who is the smartass, huh? [angrily] SHOW YOURSELF?


The camera pulls back to the bus driver and Jeff in the shot.  He lays his hand on his shoulder to comfort him.  The reps take notice finally, and understand that he really isn’t a bus driver.  The camera then pans to the whole bus staring at Jeff and the bus driver.


Ellen: Just who are you bus driver?


Bus driver: Obviously, I’m not a bus driver. [fixing his hair, just so he can flash the diamonds in his cufflinks]


Tom: Well, who the hell are you mister? I ain’t got no time for games, so spill it before you piss me off.


Aidan: [laughing at tom]


Tom: Watch it queer…[whispers]


Aidan: [Glares at Tom]


The camera turns back to the “bus driver” who is standing in the middle of the aisle as if he is about to hold court.


Bus driver: My name is Mark J. Caboffah, and I am a lobbyist, and a friend.  First, I would like to thank Jeff, and the speakers office for this opportunity to get to know the freshman of this year’s legislator.


Camera cuts to Tom.


Tom: You mean spy on us, don’t you.  Isn’t their some sort of ethics violation going on here? I was told to steer clear of you people..


Camera cuts to Tre & Aidan.


Tre: why do I believe that’s not the first time he said that..[smirking]

Aidan: [smothering laughter]


The camera is back on Mark Caboffah.  He is standing as if he owns the bus.


Mark: There could be a ethics violation, but all I did was give you a ride on “my” bus to the capitol.  I would have spoken up sooner, but as you can imagine this thing is pretty tough to drive while you are concentrating let alone give a microphone presentation while driving.  But all of this is besides the point, the point is that I am here to help you all get acclimated to life here at the capitol. It’s a new world ladies and gentlemen, and everything isn’t black & white. I just wanted to be the first one to welcome you to the gray area. Underneath all of your seats you will find a folder with some topics of interest that I will be working on this session, and appreciate any help you might be able to offer. Oh, and I’ve put in there my personal contact information, so that you all can call me anytime, with questions or hell, even if you just feel like a stake. I’m your man. Again, thanks for letting me speak, and I look forward to working with you all this session.


Camera cuts to the Minority leaders office. He is standing in front of a mirror practicing his speech. He is trying out different faces, and tones to do the speech with. He has one of his interns cleaning the shoulders of his suit with a lent brush.


Minority Leader: It’s go time team. Let’s get down there, and make me look good, alright?

[No response from anyone in the office]

Minority Leader: I said alright?

Office: Right [In a very lackluster tone]

Minority Leader: That’s the spirit team. I can tell this year is going to be a good one. I can feel it. You want to know something else? I can’t do it without any of you. This office is not just about me, but a combination of us all. Sound Good? Great. See you all downstairs.


The camera follows the minority leader, and his chief executive out of the office. The Chief executive is holding a stack of papers, and is sweating profusely.  He looks stressed, and exasperated.


Minority Leader: Do you got the papers for me to carry in?

Chief Executive: Yes Sir, I have them. What exactly do you need them for? Aren’t you just giving a speech to the incoming freshman?

Minority Leader: Papers make me look busy, and everybody knows first impressions are everything. I am going to make a hell of a first impression this session, and not have any repeats of last session.


Flashback: Shows minority speaker in front of the last freshman class. He is speaking very low, and barely audible. His armpits have sweated through his shirt, and his glasses keep slipping down his nose.  [sub-plot: We should show that this guy was a compromise candidate, and someone no really wanted, but the party in-fighting almost tore apart the caucus. Since this guy was a nobody, and thought to be a threat to no one, he got the seat. But of course since getting the seat, his ego has grown quadruple its original size]


Chief Executive: Why not just worry about what you are going to say in your speech instead of how busy you look.  Call me crazy, but I don’t think they will care if you aren’t holding any papers. Why not just tell them what to expect in their first session as freshman.


Minority Leader: Oh Christ, that’s boring. I’m going to go in there, and fire them up. I was elected to lead, and that’s what I’m going to do.  I was elected to this position because (Camera shows his chief executive rolling his eyes) I stood out among the rest, and they knew I could take this party places…


Chief Executive:  A Truman Angel appears on his shoulder.

           Truman: Don’t tell him son, it will ruin him.










© 2008 Jonas Hughes

Author's Note

Jonas Hughes
This is not finished, but I wanted input to see if this was entertaining at all.

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Nice humorous touches with the Carpenters music, "Legislation for Dummies..." yes, in the right forum this thing has got some potential to be hilarious. Hard to get past the plethora of poetry here at the Cafe, but I'm glad I stumbled on this. Well done.

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Added on March 11, 2008


Jonas Hughes
Jonas Hughes

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