The Biggest loser in a Tri-State Region

The Biggest loser in a Tri-State Region

A Story by Jonas Hughes
"

The life of loser

"

 

 
He awoke to the putrid smell of urine as the dog pissed on the side of the bed. He looked up from his pillow at the clock. 8 A.M. He punched the pillow, and sat up rubbing his eyes to clear out last night's nightmares. He swung his feet over the side of bed, and caught his reflection in the mirror. His best years were yet to come he told himself, and thats how he convinced himself to get out of bed, not just this morning, but every morning. He grimaced as the the carpet bleed dog piss onto his foot.
He turned to kick the dog, but slipped in the piss and fell face forward into th closet door. His face slammed into the door with force of hammer striking the head of a nail. The blood rushed from his nose to the open air spraying its own abstract design againt the broken door. He lay there numb for a couple of minutes dazed by the impact. The dog had come back in to the room to investigate the loud noise. He nuzzled his master, but there was no response. The vet had urged him to buy the medication for the dog, but he shrugged it off. He told the vet he would not be conned by him or his coporate owners. There was nothing wrong with the dogs bladder he yelled, and he would be damned if he spent his hard earned money on a worthless medication. He had seen the commercials, and he wasn't an idiot like the rest of the sheep. The vet tried to explain his dog was getting old, and his bladder getting weaker, but he refused to listen. He remembered smiling to himself that day as he triumphed over the pharmecutical giants. The whole incident played back in his head as the dog peed on legs as he lay half in the closet.
He kicked at the dog, missed, but the dog didn't. He bit down into his a*s as hard as his old jaws could muster. If the dog's thoughts were translated into something we could understand, they would have roughly been "f*****g a*****e, should've bought the pills."
***
 

 

© 2008 Jonas Hughes


Author's Note

Jonas Hughes
Just trying different stuff.

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Arc
Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhaaahhahahahahhaaaahhhaa *inhaling* haaaa haa ha ha. This is funny. Really very funny and would be most delighted to see where this goes.

Rock on!

=]
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Posted 12 Years Ago


This is great, the dog pissing, the character waking up early in the morning to a nightmare, and then in such anger subjecting the dog to a kick that is missed, but oddly a dog that must not be either his or a bad dog that bites him in the a*s, :D the last quote classic, :D

--mishel

Posted 12 Years Ago



Jonas � hi! I think this is the first of your work that I�ve read, and I�m here on behalf of the Novelty Caf�. So, this review will get a little deep � with no stars, as we agreed.

You�ve got great visuals throughout this small piece. This had to be a Monday morning! ;p Your character is also quickly developing. Question � did you mean to start the majority of your sentences with �he� and �his�? It�s rather disconcerting. Also, (just cuz I can�t help it) I�ve edited for spelling and punctuation. Hope it helps. As always, this review is just one person�s opinion. Please, take what works and toss the rest.


He awoke to the putrid smell of urine as the dog pissed on the side of the bed. He looked up from his pillow at the clock. 8 A.M. He punched the pillow, and sat up, rubbing his eyes to clear out last night's nightmares. He swung his feet over the side of bed, and caught his reflection in the mirror. His best years were yet to come, he told himself, and that�s how he convinced himself to get out of bed, not just this morning, but every morning. He grimaced as the the carpet bleed dog piss onto his foot.
The following alleviates the first word repetition.

The putrid smell of urine jerked him awake as the dog pissed on the side of the bed. Glancing at the clock, it read 8 A.M. He punched the pillow, and sat up, rubbing his eyes to clear out last night's nightmares. As he swung his feet over the side of bed, he caught his reflection in the mirror. His best years were yet to come, he told himself, and that�s how he convinced himself to get out of bed, not just this morning, but every morning. He grimaced as the carpet bleed dog piss onto his foot.

He turned to kick the dog, but slipped in the piss and fell face forward into the closet door. His face slammed into the door with force of hammer striking the head of a nail. The blood rushed from his nose to the open air, spraying its own abstract design against the broken door. He lay there numb for a couple of minutes, dazed by the impact. The dog had come back in to the room to investigate the loud noise. He nuzzled his master, but there was no response. The vet had urged him to buy the medication for the dog, but he shrugged it off. He told the vet he would not be conned by him or his corporate owners. There was nothing wrong with the dog�s bladder, he yelled, and he would be damned if he spent his hard earned money on a worthless medication. He had seen the commercials, and he wasn't an idiot like the rest of the sheep. The vet tried to explain his dog was getting old, and his bladder getting weaker, but he refused to listen. He remembered smiling to himself that day as he triumphed over the pharmecutical pharmaceutical giants. The whole incident played back in his head as the dog peed on legs as he lay half in the closet.

This scene is rewritten using more active voice and a touch of dialogue. Also, it breaks up into a few paragraphs.

He turned to kick the dog, but slipped in the piss and fell. His face slammed into the door with force of a hammer striking the head of a nail. Blood rushed from his nose, spraying its own abstract design against the broken door. He lay there numb for a couple of minutes, dazed by the impact. The dog came back to the room to investigate the loud noise. He nuzzled his master, but got no response.

The vet had urged him to buy the medication for the dog, but he shrugged it off. He told the vet he would not be conned by him or his corporate owners.

�There�s nothing wrong with the dog�s bladder!� he yelled. �I�ll be damned if I spend my hard-earned money on worthless medication. I�ve seen the commercials, and I�m not an idiot like the rest of the sheep.�

The vet tried to explain his dog was getting old, and his bladder getting weaker, but he refused to listen. He remembered smiling to himself that day as he triumphed over the pharmaceutical giants. The whole incident played back in his head as he lay half in the closet, the dog peeing on his legs.

I see you�ve got the next chapter posted. I�m on my way to read it, as I wonder just what is going to happen to this guy. (Poor dog.)

Belle









Posted 12 Years Ago


He grimaced as the the carpet bleed dog piss onto his foot. (carpet bled dog piss) (Awesome visual by the way!!)

face forward into th closet door.(the) (Not having a good morning AT ALL! Hee hee)


*laughing* On to part two!

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on March 11, 2008

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Jonas Hughes
Jonas Hughes

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