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Constantly tortured by her thoughts of anxiety, depression and extreme insecurity; She traveled the deserted campus of life, quenching the thirst for companion ship.  Seeking self expression in the peer groups of the worst most kind, she veered off the road of positive expectation. She headed down the trackless dirt route of internal escape and flipped into a whirlwind of despair seeking internal serenity in external pleasures.

Marijuana and alcohol became her two best friends. Wallowing in self pity with Mary Jane and Jack Daniels kept her complacent. Temporary happiness was fixated with every pull of the joint to every swig of moon shine. The devils took her soul by night and her inner angels tired to sooth her body by sunrise.

 “Lonely Tiffany was her name. Each passing moon laid against the bedrock of stars. She was convinced of departure, sailing away every day in the nightmare of her life. She was comforted on the voyage by the intoxication of illegal toxins.  Aligned in her thoughts was the embodiment of a soldier lost at sea. With waves crashing beneath her starboard her ship capsized by the same shore which could of brought her internal sobriety. Drowning in the intoxication of her destructive lifestyle; she felt as if God had forgotten her.

But the truth is, she had forgotten God.

She had misplaced lack of self respect for herself with temporary fixes of an alternative state of mind; draining herself mentally, physically, emotionally, and academically.”

Soon, the shift from campus life to a Brooklyn reality came all too soon. A whole semester blown into bits, she recalled telling her boyfriend. Similar to lighting striking loose leaf, her heart was shattering into ashes and so was her academic career. Nothing was accomplished and nothing could be salvaged. Tears rolled down her face for the first time since her father died back in 2001.  For the first time in 7 years, she was in more pain than she ever imagined. Grief struck her heart over her academic suspension. Shame composed her demeanor.

Doing whatever she could to avoid thinking, she downed herself in empty shots of Jack Daniels. This fellow reminded her of a pirate who raped and pillaged every town he entered, but she couldn’t resist his charm. He was a handsome devil who always took her pain away. No matter how temporary. He always brought her mental liberation. Mary Jane would be there also, perched between her fingers tips like a cigarette burning through her cancerous soul. Mary brought Tiffany to a higher level of consciousness necessary for permanent escape. Tiffany always kept her around.

 

Closing her eyes one night she realized escaping her life was a necessity. The conditions were perfect and the timing was just right. Slipping the projectile into the chamber, she closed her eyes and smiled.  Tears ran down her face like a widow at a funeral with five kids. She heard a faint voice whispering in the backdrop

“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

The voice didn’t sound like anyone she knew.

Smoke swiveled from the revolver and her hand dripped in tomato paste texture. In the distance she saw the revolver graze the kitchen counter; swiping the frosted flakes she ate the night before.  She envisioned for a moment, her mother, brother and father waving goodbye. Her boyfriends fingers touching her soft lips. And her Siberian husky fondling a teddy bear, Max always made her laugh.

 

She slipped into the afterlife faster than pedestrian traffic in Times Square. Her eyes lower eyes lids quivered and watered tears clear than the soul of Christ. Her body started to give way and her lips harbored possible regret. The campus life of this world was too much for her “it was time go,” She whispered to herself.

Her voice sounded happy at the same time confused to why death felt better than life. Her mouth parted like the Red Sea. Moses was absent. Her tongue made more movements than a bank robber. She whispered, “Second chance?”

Tiffany’s eyes started to widen.  It was 4am Sunday morning. Tiffany was panting for dear life with sweat running down her back as if she was making love.

Her fingers caressed her body. Was this real? Was it a dream?  Am I alive?

Tiffany questioned answered itself when she felt  the weight of jack on her fingertips and Mary rolled onto her sheets moments later.

She heard a voice the back drop once.