Prologue

Prologue

A Chapter by Jon Settle
"

This is the beginning to my book.

"
He was on his way to class, independent living, when he started to feel strange. Every hair on his body erected to full length. He stopped beneath a skylight. The morning sun shone through beating the warmth of its rays into his body.

He tilted back his head allowing the warmth beating his body to flood his face. It wasn't until a wave of malevolence washed over that he took notice to the time, 9:10 am. His eyes flashed open soon enough to have just seen a shadow pass down the hallway.

Quickly he followed the hallway in the direction he'd seen the shadow disappear. He was approaching the south stairwell without knowing if it had ascended or descended a floor. Slowly he approached the entrance to the stairwell, when a voice sang out. It was the voice of a little girl; a little girl that was sobbing uncontrollably.

Her words were so muffled he paused his movement to listen. It took only a few seconds to make out a cry for help.

"Save me," she cried. "Please hurry, I need you." At that he ran for the stairwell entrance, unsure if the "you" she meant was him or not. He didn't care, she needed help.

He entered the stairwell; air rushing past him. 'Someone must have the upper door open' he thought. A sudden cold chill slowly and eerily crept its way down his spine. His senses were on high alert as he slowly made his way to the flight of stairs leading to the level above. 

A shadow came into view, and all the air that had been moving ceased all motion. As if it could sense his presence, the air began to move around him. Slowly it lifted his feet off the floor. Eyes locked on the shadow, he noticed a slight twitch make its way down the shadow's side.

A strange energy surged through the air, taking him in its grasp, stretching to fit around him. This energy, he recognized it from somewhere; it was light, like a sea breeze, and held an essence of power. 

Falling. The feeling suddenly over took his senses. He was falling into an abyss, darkness swallowing him into its never filling stomach. 

Death. Death gripped his soul, drinking away his life, like an alcoholic puts down the beer. His life was slipping away and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He felt one last twitch of his helpless soul before darkness over powered his senses, never again to be enlightened.


© 2012 Jon Settle


Author's Note

Jon Settle
Please let me know what you think!

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Reviews

Here's a good question, why does he follow the shadow? What motivates him to do so?

Posted 8 Years Ago


Jon Settle

8 Years Ago

I realized after I wrote this that I didn't include a motivation for this so I added a reasoning for.. read more
Peaceworker22

8 Years Ago

Good, now you're getting somewhere. : ) I'm glad to help anytime.
Wow, this definitely kept my attention. I could visualize every single detail in this story, and you just brought me into a whole new world. Good work!

Posted 8 Years Ago


Jon Settle

8 Years Ago

That's the whole idea!! lol
In the penprints of tragedy - hero will fall - hero has a vulnerable pre-disposition - hero makes a fatal error.
You clearly have passion and direction for this story. The last line is a silencer, we will really empathise with this guy. Keep finding your style and show it like you mean it:)
E.g. one query: 'Every hair on his body erected to full length.' I know you mean the goose-bumps, hair-raising, cold sweat, shivers, creeps etc. but the wording here isn't verry exact... and it kind of put this dragon-ball-z image in my head which really doesn't fit. Try to create a sense like, 'Static electricity. The hairs at the back of his neck stood straight, his scalp crawled....' But always up to you.
'Her words were so muffled he paused to listen.' (stay active - overwriting often weakens a sentence).
Above all, keep going... Everything's promising:)

Posted 8 Years Ago


Jon Settle

8 Years Ago

Thanks for the advice!! :)
I like this, you can feel what he feels. Write some more man!

Posted 8 Years Ago


Brave move: to inform your readers that their 'hero' is going to die (or maybe not, maybe I took the last few lines too literally). However, also a great way to guarantee our full attention...

The phrase "beating the warmth of its rays" is closely followed by "the warmth beating his body" in the next paragraph, which seems slightly repetitive. Is there another way you could word one of them, or was the repetition deliberate, for emphasis?

Your simile “drinking away his life, like an alcoholic puts down the beer” strikes me as almost making sense, but not quite. “Puts down the beer” makes me think of them slamming an empty bottle down on the table or something, whereas I think here you want us to picture somebody chugging a beer like there’s no tomorrow (excuse the cliché lol) - maybe I’m wrong(?) but “drinking away his life” is written in the present progressive aspect, like it’s still going on and not finished, which then clashes with the second part. Just a hunch, but did you maybe mean “puts away” rather than “puts down”?

Other than that, I have no constructive criticism to offer. Very well-written, and I look forward to learning more about the story. Cheers for sharing this, and thanks for reading and reviewing my untitled story.


Posted 8 Years Ago


Raef C. Boylan

8 Years Ago

What, the question about "beating" being repetitive? OK, fair enough.
Jon Settle

8 Years Ago

Yea, like I deliberately write things the way I do and each and everything will serve its own purpos.. read more
Raef C. Boylan

8 Years Ago

Alright, good for you.
Its extremely grabbing and bone chilling and something i would definitely read ! The only thing I would advise against is adding too many adjectives as they tend to weaken each other, but I hope to read more soon!

Posted 8 Years Ago


really good:) really creepy! idk if it was me i def wouldn't go TOWARD the shadow... Not my idea of smart... but then again you wouldn't have a story if he didn't go toward the shadow right?:P I look foward to reading what happens next!

Posted 8 Years Ago


Why would he follow that shadow? Why?
“took few seconds to make out a cry for help” - or something stating long time for me would feel a bit better. “words were so muffled” and “only a few seconds” is in opposition to each other and so close together a bit throws you back.
I wanted for it to be somehow scarier. And a description of that shadow could be good thing... Other than that – let's see what goes further.

Posted 8 Years Ago


janiksxxl

8 Years Ago

For me a shadow is a 3d silhouette, totally dark (not emitting dark light, but absorbing more than 7.. read more
Jon Settle

8 Years Ago

Thanks for the tips!!! I honestly hadn't even thought about that, but next time I edit I'll keep tha.. read more
Peaceworker22

8 Years Ago

No problem! Happy to help. : )
amazing ....bit scary but amazing ...BTW i like scary stuff

Posted 8 Years Ago


afra

8 Years Ago

when will you post the next ?
Jon Settle

8 Years Ago

Maybe within the next couple of days.
I'm going to be editing what I've got written as I post
afra

8 Years Ago

okay ...cant wait
Very creepy :p can't wait for the rest!

Posted 8 Years Ago


Jon Settle

8 Years Ago

I know you can't :P
you've been telling me this forever
floopes

8 Years Ago

Ik :p
Jon Settle

8 Years Ago

feel free to stop anytime :P

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Added on July 12, 2012
Last Updated on July 12, 2012
Tags: Fantasy, Fiction, Dark, Death, Mystery


Author

Jon Settle
Jon Settle

Orrville, OH



About
My name is Jon. I absolutely LOVE writing and reading. They are my true loves of life. I hope to someday be a well know author and I wanna be an actor on tv too :) I have very high goals set for my.. more..

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