Difficult Child

What happens after we die?

"What happened? Where am I?"

The last thing that I remember was driving on that snowy highway. The road was slick with snow and ice. The car slid and I remember the headlights of a semi bearing down on us. What happened next? Think Sarah, think. What happened next?

We continued our sideways slide and I heard a crunch, a horrible crunch and I heard a scream. I think it was my scream and we rolled. I've never felt such pain and such fear. And, then, nothing. Nothing more.

And, now, this. This place. Where am I?

"You are in Heaven," I hear a man's voice say. "Please wait here." I hear footsteps moving away, but when I turn to watch there's no one there.

"Sarah? Is that you, Sarah?" I turn around and standing there is my maternal grandmother. She looks different, younger and, certainly, more alive than that last time I saw her.

"Grandma?”  I run to her and give her the biggest hug ever. 

Could she really be standing here with me?  It doesn’t seem possible.  The last time I saw her alive was when she was in the nursing home �" that awful nursing home where she looked so small and shrunken. 

She releases me first and holds me at arms length.  “Let me look at you.”  She looks me up and down.  “You’re looking good, Sarah.  I’ve missed talking with you.  But, I want you to know, I’ve always been watching you.”

“Watching me?  Grandma, you’re dead.”  And, that’s when it hits me.  If she’s dead, then just what the hell am I?  “Grandma, where am I?”

 "You're in Heaven, Sarah. You died in that crash. Do you remember the crash?" I nod at her. "Then, you realize that you're dead."

"Did Barbara make it?"

Grandma looks away, tears in her eyes. "No," she finally whispers, "she didn't."

"Then, she's here? Where is she?"

"She didn't come here."

"But, if she's dead, why isn't she here?"

"She didn't believe enough. Come on, your grandfather's waiting and your father's parents. They're here, too." She turns away, expecting me to follow. I don’t. When she realizes I stayed behind, she turns back to me. "Come on, Sarah, don't dawdle."

"Grams, this isn't Heaven if Barbara isn't here."

"Not Heaven? What do you know of Heaven? This is Heaven."

"How can it be Heaven without my soul mate? Grams, I can't spend eternity without my Barbara."

"You have to. That's the way it is. There are rules."

"Rules? What rules? Barbara always followed the rules and she should be here. I wasn't nearly the believer she was."

"Sarah, you're wrong. You had faith. You were full of faith. Ever since you were a little girl you had faith."

"How Grams? How could I when I wasn't even baptized until I was thirty?"

"You always were a difficult child. Come with me and see Grandpa. He's been looking forward to seeing you." She turns away once more and again, I don't follow. I can't. I’m rooted to the spot.

"Where is she?"

Grandma stops walking and I see her shoulders fall with a sigh.  She slowly turns back to face me.  "She's in Hell."

"Where's that?"

"Sarah, I don't know."

"Who does, Grams, who does? I'm not staying in Heaven if she's not with me."

"Only God knows where Hell is."

"Well, we're in Heaven, where does the Big Guy hang out?"

"I am all around you and in you," I hear a deep male voice say.

"I want to go to Hell."

"You always were a difficult child", the Lord chuckles. He pauses. "You may go, Viola."

I expect Grandma to protest -- no one ever told her what to do, but she turn and walks away. I watch her walk which was different than the one I remembered. Her head was straight up and she stood tall. She was so young. She stops walking and turns back. "We'll be waiting for you," she says and then she turns back and walks away.

"If you're God, why can't I see you?"

A loud laugh boomed out and a man appears in front of me. He was tall, good looking and black -- Sidney Poiter black, with a handsome smile.

“I knew it,” I say, “I knew you’d be black.”

“Not African American?"

“How do I know you’re American?”

The Lord chuckles again.  He even sounds like Sidney Poiter.  “You’re always thinking, Sarah.  I’ve enjoyed watching over you through the years.”

As nice as it is to hear, I’m not really wanting to stand there and reminiscence with God.  I want Barbara to be with me, not burning in the fires of Hell.  “Where’s Hell?  I have to find Barbara and bring her here.”

"You always were a difficult child," He says. "And, you’ve never changed."

"Where's Hell, Lord?”  I ask impatiently.

 "All right, here’s the main rule. You can't bring her here and if you leave, you can't come back."

"I don't care. It's not Heaven without her. This is Bullshit, God, and You know it. She believed in You. Sometimes, no, all the time, more than I did. She never doubted You, not once."

God shakes his head. "No, she didn't believe as you did."

"Yes, yes, she did. When I gave up on You, because You didn't give us a child, she still believed in You. She still had faith that You existed, but I didn't. I had given up on You."

"Not in your heart. You still believed in your heart." The Lord takes a deep breath, as if thinking about what He is going to say. "If I send you to Hell, that's it. You've turned your back on your Lord, your God."

"She's my soul mate, Lord. You know that. How can You expect me to spend eternity without her?"

"It happens."

"Not to us. We can't be separated. We're the two halves to a whole."

God does not reply. I didn't expect Him to. The Supreme Being of the Universe shouldn't have to answer to little old me.

But, then He disappears. Everything disappears and I saw Hell. I felt like I was being torn from limb to limb and then crushed back together. It was both freezing cold and boiling hot. I saw torment and fear personified. I was frightened and angry. Just when I thought I couldn't take anymore, I saw her. Through the fire and ice, through the screams and silence, the love of my life walked toward me.

She didn't see me, she looked sad and alone. I call her name, but no sound came from my mouth. I walk toward her and then I begin to run toward her. She looks up, as if she senses me, and a smile crosses her face and she begins to run toward me. And, we meet, in a sea of hate and fear, cold and heat, we hold each other close and Hell did not seem like Hell anymore. Even with the jets of heat and the bursts of ice, we only felt each other.

Barbara looks at me and smiles, "I gave up Heaven for you."

I shake my head, "No, I gave up Heaven for you. I left Grandma behind to come and be with you in Hell."

"No," she says.  "I gave up my father to be with you. I couldn't stand the thought of spending eternity without you."

"But," I say. "They said you didn't believe enough."

And, then, suddenly there was nothing again. No fire, no ice. Just nothing and I hear God's voice ring out from around me and within me. "These remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. And, you have both proven your love and so you may pass through the Gates of Heaven to eternal life, together. As I knew you would."

And, we pass through the Gates of Heaven to be with our family, our friends and, most importantly, each other for all eternity. And, as we passed, I heard the Lord's voice once more, "You always were a difficult child."

Author's Note

I have published this here before, so if you read it before, sorry. I noticed all of my writing is now gone, so I'm republishing some items.