So here I sit on this parkbench

So I'm currently writing a story for a new concept album concerning quite some maffia characters intertwined in a web of problems. This is an introduction to this universe. Sincerely yours, Jules.

Chapter 1: “Come and shower with me…”                 07-11-1959
So here I sit on this park bench, on and on the rain is falling
Reminding me how fragile we are…as I, Franky Newston, sink further away in my thoughts.
A whisper in my ear, a little pinch in my side and there she is.
As beautiful as ever and wet through and through. We hug and kiss.
I ask her: “Hey Diana, how was college today?”
While she is jabbering about, we get in my car. It is a green 1940 Cadillac, I got it from my dad, who got it from his dad. And though its old it still rides like she did her first days and sounds like thunder.
“And so now I get the assessment!” " she finishes.
“That’s great sweety!” I answer, but I notice I can’t find the energy to care. For my mind has been wandering off mostly the past few days, constantly reminding me of the heat I left behind. We continue our journey towards our little seaside house. I bought the place from an old gentleman who went by the name of seaside Steve. An old sailor who had recently been retired. The minute I bought the place, the man went for open sea and was never seen again…guess he wanted to die a sailors death. We arrive, exhausted, worn out, tired of constantly being alert, watching my gut on every turn. Still that hitman, still Danny is out there… She undresses herself and presses her naked body against me. I never understood what she sees in me, an unshaved criminal b*****d with alcohol problems and who, until recently, was quit the fan of dope. Still she is teasing me and asks: “Come and get a shower with me, you need it honey.” Who can resist such a voice, such blue eyes, a perfect body. After a long shower, we lay on bed. So young, so beautiful, and while I’m stroking her hair she falls asleep. And I, well I have another sleepless night stretching out before me. Insomnia is a b***h, always there, the same goes for that damn hitman…

Author's Note

Some constructive feedback is much appreciated. One who chooses to preach must never cease to learn.

Reviews

[JayG]

For all practical purpose, this is a chronicle of events, in the form, “I sit…it’s raining…That reminds me of…Diana arrives…We make small talk…and after that…

We have detail, but it’s dispassionate. Why is this person sitting in the rain? Dunno. Does he have an umbrella or raincoat? Can’t tell. Why does rain make him think what he does? No clue.

And so it goes. I’m having the events explained by a voice that has not a trace of emotion in it (only you can hear the emotion in your voice). I don’t know where I am in time and space. I don’t know what’s going on. And, I don’t know who I am. So why will I care? There’s no emotional content.

My point is that story isn’t the flow of events, that’s history, which is boring because there’s no uncertainty—and a reader feeds on uncertainty.

It’s not that a matter of talent or story, it’s that you’re using the nonfiction writing skills we learn in our schooldays. And they’re inappropriate to the medium and the mission.

In school we were taught to explain the situation, clearly and concisely, in what amounts to overview mode. The writing is fact-based, and author-centric.

But people don’t read fiction for an informative experience. They want an emotional experience, one that comes from living the story in real-time, in parallel with the protagonist. And that takes writing skills that are emotion-based and character-centric, a style of writing our teachers never mentioned as existing because it’s used only by fiction writers, and they’re teaching us to be useful to employers, not write fiction.

So the solution is simple. Add the tricks of fiction to your existing writing skills. After all, if you want readers to view your writing as interesting in the same way the fiction they now read is, it follows that to write like a pro you need to know what the pros know.

And to get that process started, the fiction writing section of the local library is a great resource. It will have you slapping your forehead and saying, “Why didn’t I see that for myself," over and over.

Certainly, this isn’t the response you were hoping for. But given that we all face it when we begin to record our stories, it’s no big deal.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing

[junXion]

Well Jay I must say I indeed wasn't expecting such a long post but thank you very much. I will check out your site! It's true that my writingstyle is based on what I learned in school so...yes it's time to begin educate myself. Thank you so much for the constructive and honest feedback. If I ever have some question I'd be sure to come back to you! Sincerely yours, Jules.

[PandaPeaceful]

I like it! You've implemented such great ideas and voice into one chapter! Well done.

[Ted Kniffen]

You're off to a decent start, Jules, but there are some things to address.

If it's heading toward short story, it should be broken into paragraphs. When dialogue is used - paragraph.

i.e.
So here I sit on this park bench, on and on the rain is falling reminding me how fragile we are…as I, Franky Newston, sink further away in my thoughts.

A whisper in my ear, a little pinch in my side and there she is. As beautiful as ever and wet through and through. We hug and kiss.

I ask her: “Hey Diana, how was college today?”

Doesn't Diana have any questions for Franky? It's a strange pairing of good and evil, but good has no curiosity about evil's day?

There is a good story here that needs to be fleshed out Franky is telling us a lot, but the story is showing us little.

P.S. the make or year of Franky's car should be changed, Camaro came out in 1966.

Seems like a little thing, but I once sent a couple to see a play at a theatre closed for the winter.

[junXion]

Thanks for the tips Ted! It's the first time I'm writing a story instead of lyrics so yeah naturally my interpunction and format is a bit wobbly so thank you very much for you advice! Annndddd about the car, yeah that should've been a caddy. Gotta love the '40 model (C). Hope you enjoyed it, Sincerely yours, Jules.

[Ted Kniffen]

For a first attempt you've done very well. Writing prose is in a way just a longer form of song lyrics. Keep at it. There is promise here.
Ted

[matrixmark]

Good 1st POV. And what a great, great read it was too. I like how it all started out as innocent and then from the moment Danny was introduced, it started to tip into the dark side. You leave the piece with mnay questions whirling around in my mind - why is he running? Does Diana know about him being chased by Danny? Where will Franky go in the morning? These are questions which I hope to be answered - you left it so very open and I would LOVE to continue with this story.

Grammar wise - spot on.
Structure - ditto.

A brilliant little taster piece for which I will be keeping an eye out for the main menu.

Keep writing.

Mark.