Elegy For Those Who Die Silent

Just a new poem I wrote.

"Elegy For Those Who Die Silent"

KateThePoet

 

Hail falls silly

among mute forests

and trees fall unmourned

amidst forests where

no one is around to hear

bodies hit concrete

like some kind of

unanswered prayer and

clasped hands anoint

together in friction

while brimming eyes

spill tears through

loud eyes where blood

pours from backwards

saviors.

Author's Note

Give me all possible criticisms .

Reviews

[Michelle Coleman]

Why does the hail fall sill when it causes such destruction among the dying trees? I would choose a different word.

Also, use the word forest only once. Try looking for different t words so you don't repeat. When I began writing, the thesaurus was my best friend. You can download an ap.

"And trees fall unmourned" I like this line. My only advice would be to drop the "and."

"Bodies hit concrete like some kind of unanswered prayer." This line provides a lot of imagery. Concrete is something not normally found in the forest. Where does that come into play?

The second part of this poem confuses me because it turns a bit religious with a touch of stigmata. Are you saying the trees are being sacrificed? If so, for what?

Earlier, there was no mourning. But clearly there is grief in the end. Do the trees shed blood soaked tears?

This is a good place to start. I would suggest going back and reworking a few areas.

[ANTO]

A wonderfully helpful and constructive review Michelle - once again Kudos !

[Michelle Coleman]

Thank you, Anto! 😄

[Katethepoet]

Yeah he beat me to it. This was a very helpful critique and i'll definitely go back and tweak it a lot. Thanks you reviewing my work, you have a lot helpful insight.

[Michelle Coleman]

You are welcome. Any time. 😊

[Einstein Noodle]

i agree with Anto .. very helpful review from Michelle
E.

[Einstein Noodle]

its a long title but it is very thought provoking ... and had to stop and think about it a while .. i have buried the dead and been with those close to me as they past ... (yeh ..i am old and soon my friends will start dying ... and me;)
i have read one of the scariest things for us humans is to die alone ... no one to sit by ..hold a hand ..kiss goodby ... all these things ran through my mind just reading the title
i agree with Michell's comments ...
i love these lines:
"bodies hit concrete
like some kind of
unanswered prayer and
clasped hands anoint"
its graphic and i think of someone alone in desperate prayer as time here ends ...

i like the close but do not quite understand the savior part because this person is alone .. and if it is a real Savior ... then it isn't backwards ...perhaps the false savior is licking his chops ready to add torment to the subjects fears ;)
E.

[Chris]

I normally read three of a Poet's works at a sitting before thinking toward an overall voice ...of these first three - each presented a unique "voice" and author-driven thought-flow. The first two "felt" right, personal and somehow relevant to the whom a "person" is. This last one feels "off" - as if somehow forced, stilted, and inconsequential (perhaps even - incomplete) - least to me. I don't "feel" I want to come back and reread this one - ever, while the other two draw me and engender a "caring" and can develop and define a "person" I'ld like to listen to.

I hope that helps... and it is meant.

Chris

[Katethepoet]

I definitely think and pretty much everyone who has read this are on to something. This probably isnt the most person sentiment of familiar sentiment to me and it shows. It was very spur of the moment poem and maybe i just don't know how i feel about the sentiment given or I'm forcing it. I'll probably just scrap this one.

[Chris]

Don't "scrap" - keep it close to bring to mind what you are about ...and how you want to express your thoughts.