Her But Not Her

Getting out of a bad shadow

              My whole entire life I have compared to my mother, based on looks and personality. For most people this wouldn't be so bad but my mother wasn't the best person. My mother was a drug addict, with a passion to cause turmoil within the family. She had a talent for making people crazy, she had a lot of negative qualities that made her a bad person. She drank too much, had a love for pills and put herself before her family. Reading this you are probably thinking that I hate my mother, on the contrary despite all that she was, I loved her as much as a child could. Before I realize all of the negatives I was proud to be like her. Looking back I realize who my mother was, isn't the person I want be. So being compared to her these days makes me angry, sad, and fearful. Some of the choices I've made in life echo some of hers but the difference is, I've learned from mine. She didn't seem to want to learn from hers, she just continued to make the same mistakes over and over. Losing her opened my eyes, I wanted my kids to have a mother who would do things with them, for them, just be there when they needed me and even when they didn't. I wanted to be the mother that showed up for parent teacher conferences, and attended their recitals, football games etc.


  I want to be there for my kids, every decision I make I step back and think on how it will impact them. I want them to have a better life than I had, I want them to have a mother they can be proud of. In a lot of ways I am her, but in the good ways. I have her smile and her delicate hands, I have a creative flair for cooking and I do look quite a bit like her. Then again there are a lot of things about me that aren't her, I created who I wanted to be based on things that were important to me. I can be a better person because of the person she was. Thanks to her I'm her but not her.