Lost

Written 2004.

 

He said his life is falling apart, it is losing shape. Like a rope fraying at both ends. Everything is blurring for him, becoming unclear, unstructured. Everything but her, everything but Melody. Melody was still clear, she is still stable. She was the one thing in his life he could depend upon.

Little did he know that the only thing unstable in Melody’s life was herself. How could Melody be stable and clear in his life when she couldn’t be clear and stable in her own mind?

 

The more she thought about it the more certain she was. She had to be there for him, she had to stay clear to him. She couldn’t tell him she was losing herself without causing him to lose himself along with her. She didn’t want to be the cause for that, his life was only temporally blurred, and her mind was permanently lost.

 

*~*~*

 

“Mel, my parents are giving me a hard time about my grades.” He told Melody in confidence. Melody thought about how much she was dreading her own grades. “They are blaming you; they think you’re a bad influence.” So, that was the story. She was responsible for some of the friction between him and his parents. “I just wish they knew you like I do. Then they would see that you are in fact keeping me on track.” How could she be keeping him on track when she couldn’t even keep herself on track?

 

“Mel, what’s wrong?” His voice sounded far away but she could feel his arms around her.

She shook her head to clear her thoughts. “What? No, nothing’s wrong. Why?” Melody mentally kicked herself for letting her disguise slip.

“I was talking about my parents and when I looked at you, you had like phased out. Are you sure there isn’t something wrong? You know you can always tell me.” Melody could see concern in his eyes, it was as clear as the love he felt for her.

 

The two voices in her mind had started.

“Go ahead Melody, tell him. It will release the pressure; it won’t all depend on you then.”

“Well that is selfish. Let’s release the pressure by giving it to all to him. It isn’t his fault you’re lost. It’s your fault, all your fault.”

“True, it is your fault but that doesn’t mean you have to handle it yourself. You can ask for help.”

“That’s right. Your whole life you tell people you don’t need help then at the smallest sign of trouble you scream for it.”

“This isn’t the smallest sign of trouble, it’s a crisis. Melody has lost herself. Can’t you see that? Anyway, she isn’t too proud to ask for help.”

“Of course I can bloody well see she is lost. But it has happened before and she always gets through it. Yeah, that’s a great idea. Ask for help from someone whose life is falling apart. That just may be enough to push him over the edge.”

 

That was it, the thought of hurting him had decided it for her. “I’m sure, nothing is wrong. I’m just tired; I can’t seem to concentrate. Sorry.” He just smiled and held Melody closer to him. Melody was sure she had done the right thing. She could get through this on her own; at least she hoped she could.

 

*~*~*

 

“Melody, snap out of it.” Melody awoke from he daze when she heard her best friend’s voice. “You have to stop doing that. You have started to give truth to the rumors.”

Puzzlement passed over Melody’s face. “What rumors?”

“The same rumors as always.” There were always rumors but which one was she talking about. “The rumors about your personality, your character. You know the rumors that you don’t have one. You don’t have a personality which is why all the guys go for you and why no one can hate you.”

 

Boy, was that food for thought for the voices in Melody’s mind.

“Maybe Melody isn’t lost, maybe she was never real.”

“Of course she was real. It is just a stupid rumor.”

“Every rumor has truth at its core. So does this one. Melody has no personality because she was never real. If she wasn’t real she can’t be lost.”

“She has to be real otherwise how does she exist. If she weren’t real she would just be a zombie. Just a person going through the movements of life, lacking a personality.”

“Bingo, got it in one.”

 

Melody had enough of them. She tuned them out even though they were still talking. “But Melody, it is just a rumor we all know that,” her friend assured her.

“Yeah, just a rumor.” But Melody knew that at the core of every rumor is a truth. “Just a rumor.” Melody muttered to herself.

 

*~*~*

 

“Melody, can I have w word with you before you leave?” The teacher’s voice caught her as she was leaving the classroom.

“Yes sir.” She walked back to where the teacher stood. She couldn’t work out what he wanted to talk about.

“Melody, is everything all right?”

“Yes, everything is alright.” How the hell had he noticed?

“It is just that your grade has gone down. You no longer have any input in class discussions. It’s as if you are here in body only. Almost as if your mind is somewhere else.”

 

No matter what she did to will them not to, the voices came again.

“See, there is the zombie thing again.”

“He didn’t say the word zombie.”

“It’s the same idea. A body with no mind.”

“What would he know anyway, he is just a teacher. They know nothing.”

“All the more point. Even teachers are noticing she is a zombie.”

“She isn’t a zombie, her mind just blanks out.”

“She doesn’t have a mind to blank out”

“She has just lost it.”

“She never had one to lose.”

 

“Yes sir. Everything is okay. I will try to concentrate more in class.” Melody quickly explained before she left the classroom.

 

*~*~*

 

Even without anything to provoke them, the voices started to converse again.

“What is the point in her living life as a zombie?”

“She isn’t a zombie.”

“She is and it is about time you admitted it.”

“Ok, but I will only admit that her mind is lost.”

“Same thing. What is the point of her living life with out a mind?”

“Melody’s mind will return.”

“What if it doesn’t?”

“It will.”

“What if it doesn’t?”

“Then she will continue as she does now.”

“What? Just going through the movements of life.”

“Yes.”

“What is the point in that?”

“Well, at least she is alive.”

“But is it living?”

“At least she is alive.”

 

Melody had to make them stop. They were making sense. What was the point of being alive if she wasn’t living?

She had to stop them. She looked over the edge of the bridge. Melody looked down at the empty concrete waterway. She had to stop the voices. If she wasn’t living it wouldn’t matter if she died. At least the voices would stop.

Melody silently climbed over the railing of the bridge and stood on the very edge of the bridge.

 

But still the voices continued.

“What is she doing?”

“She is jumping, you fool.”

“Why?”

“Because what is the point in being alive if you aren’t actually living.”

Even as Melody fell they continued.

“Why is she doing this now?”

“She has made up her mind.”

“She doesn’t have a mind.”

“I guess she found it.”

“Oh, great. What wonderful timing she…”

 

Everything was silent. The voices could no longer bother Melody. Being strong for other people was no longer important to Melody. Lacking a mind was no longer an issue to Melody. Being alive but not living was no longer a consideration to Melody. All of this was no longer important to Melody because she herself was no longer existent.