obadiah

When I met you I was lost

you were lost as well.

We closed our eyes and saw heaven

while you dragged me from hell.

When I met you I loved you

from the moment you smiled.

We talked like adults

I hid in our words like a child.

There you were in my room

whispering its ok,

over the phone static

a million miles away.

There you are now on the edge of my bed

tears rolling down my face

from the words that you've said

i go to touch your hand

but your a figure in my head

Im begging to understand.

Time like an hour glass stuck in quick sand

we turn it over and over

relive we live recover

run in circles till were still

fight and cry and kick and scream

then go in for the kill.

Love and lust and long summer nights

wrong is wrong till it feels right.

were so wrong we don't feel it anymore

you crawl in the window

while I slam shut the door

you always pick the locks

breath in my lungs when my heart has stopped.

You have that way with me

Four years today, an eternity

and here we are fighting

thunder to my lightning

we are crashing in the rain

water down the sewer drain

water under the bridge

this is the life we've lived.

We live it everyday..

I watch you walk away

holding her hand

your just a figure in my head

I'm beginning to understand.

Reviews

[MomzillaNC]

A really wonderful poem. I love the line "I hid in our words like a child." Such a moving line and such a sad poem. Nothing is sadder than love receding beyond our reach.

I think the poem would be easier to follow, and to hold the meter if you broke it into stanzas. Also, it would flow better visually. And, I recommend capitalizing the first letter of each line, spelling out numerals, and always making sure your personal pronoun "I" is always uppercase. I think the poem is wonderful without it, but some punctuation would would help you direct the reader into the patterns and emoting you heard in your own mind when you read wrote the poem.

[cellardork]

Thank you for the feed back, i changed it around a bit, i just right things so fast with so much desperateness but i rarely go back through to make the corrections needed. i think ill tak your advice and change all of them. :)

[cellardork]

i meant write* i cant believe they make me use ten characters.

[cellardork]

and also desperation* is the corrrect term

[MomzillaNC]

I do the same in the rush of ideas. That's why I always leave it until the next day, then read back through it with a copy editor's eye. I wrote "Whisper Me A Kiss… " yesterday, but didn't post it until today for that very reason. Gosh! You should see the mess that poem is in my notebook! :D

[MomzillaNC]

BTW, the stanzas do have a greater visual impact on the flow of the poem.

[cellardork]

You know i think so too! im going back through all of them and fixing things. you have been crazy helpful. i love what you did with a "Whiper Me A Kiss..." its a beautiful poem, you said you wanted helpful feed back so i skipped commenting because i could muster were compliments. beautifully written though. i love romantic poetry
and yours sounds so classic.

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you very much for your kind words about my work. I'm happy I could be helpful to you. That is why most of us are hear, after all, to grow as writers and poets.

I used to be a graphic designer working in print media. I have a highly developed sense of the visual impact of words. Pictures are powerful, and poetry is painting pictures with words.

[cellardork]

oh you art schooled too! no wonder all the attention to detail. not surprising at all. thanks again.