Nothing Something

A Story by Chara

A personal essay about how I found serenity amidst the pandemic. In other terms, how I found something out of nothing.

When I think about what incident that I have experienced and gave me insight, there is only one thing that I can think of: Nothing. Nothing can be in different forms and shapes, yet it does not exist. In this case, nothing can even be death itself. Even though there are many people that are terrified by it, the concept of death fascinates me. I spend hours thinking about the possibilities of delving into the unknown abyss. However, it does not mean that I want to present myself at the doors of death just for the sake of it.

I imagine death as a distant friend, or maybe even a pen pal, while I am a fair-weather one. Death lives in the void that only shows up when the night is dark, contrary to the mountains that grace their presence when clouds decide to suddenly go on a vacation. I often think about this friend, especially when the moon shines its highest and the silence fills every nook and cranny of my room. Sometimes, he feels so near, and the prospect of our encounter seems pleasant. He is a clingy friend to the point that he even barges in my dreams and interrupts my peaceful sleep. However, when the morning comes and shines its rays upon my sleep-deprived eyes, I slowly forget about him and resume my daily routine. From time to time, I think about him but there are also times where I become so preoccupied with the daily woes and responsibilities of life that I tend to forget that he exists.

During the course of my life, for 20 years that I have traversed different kinds of pavements and climbed different landforms, and drench under the downpour of life, I have come to a conclusion that I think that is enough for today. I have realized that not everything happens the way I want it to be, and that the world is not always going to greet you with pleasantries. In order to come in peace with myself, I wanted to form nothing out of something. I wanted to cast aside everything that I have in that black hole of an abyss. I thought that stripping myself off from life’s pleasantries will guarantee that the cruelties of this world will pay me no heed.

Even though I am surrounded by friends, there are times when I feel lonely, and the prospect of clinging to my distant friend lingers. In a box, I enclosed myself in a transparent box so that nothing will affect me, but at the same time I wanted to be seen. However, being stuck with my own thoughts made this box so opaque that I can no longer see what is outside--that there are people willing and are trying to get me out of the smoke-filled crate. I tell myself that I am not lonely at all for my distant friend is with me. He gives me words of comfort telling me that the box will forever keep me safe.

Recently, the quarantine gave me a lot of time to ponder about life. Now that I think about it, maybe I romanticized death so much for thinking that this “friend” will accompany me in an attempt to escape the world’s nasty stares or its rampage. I have realized that instead of clinging to the nonexistent friend, maybe I should pay attention to those surrounding me. Feeling things makes me remember that I am a human being. Instead of throwing all these feelings away, maybe I should come in terms with them. In this life, not everything is pleasant, but having people who are willing to accompany me in life’s tumultuous rainstorms makes it bearable, and I am content in confronting the challenges together. The incident that I deem as nothing is the compilation of every memory that I have gathered today.

Nothing isn’t nothing after all.