My Atmosphere is Currently Unavaible

My Atmosphere is Currently Unavaible

A Poem by K.M

It doesn't matter where I go...
Because your heart is in your chest
And your heart is where I belong
Now I travel like a gypsy
And cry like a river
Because I lost the only thing that made sense in this world
And that thing is you
The only reason why I haven't gone insane
The rock that keeps me steady
The oxygen to my atmosphere
It was all you
And it is always going to be you
It will always be you
Until I find a new always
But...
You know...
I'm not sure if that's going to happen again

© 2016 K.M


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Your poem does a good job of showing us how it feels when a person is going thru loss. I like the idea of using unusual ways to describe the sensations, such as in the title. I like the line about travelling like a gypsy to follow this other person's heart. But in a few places, the phrases you use are cliché & overused to the point where your poem could sound like the other ten million love poems ever written. "Cry like a river" . . . "rock that keeps me steady" . . . these things have been said too many times in love poems. I encourage you to use new metaphors, craft new out-of-the-box ways to show how it feels. The three very similar lines: "It was all you . . . always going to be you . . . always be you" -- to me, this sounds so "blah" . . . just a repeated refrain of empty desperation. I know this is how people do feel when they lose someone, but I still encourage you to try to say such things with more originality, more details to help the reader actually see & feel this person the narrator is missing so much. Right now, I only see desperate longing, I don't even get a sense of why he was so important to her. It's not that your poem is so badly written, it's a fine poem, but not remarkable. It's just that there are too many poems written about vague, unexplained longing & I find it very forgettable. The best writing is detailed & specific & original. I'd love to see you develop more in these ways.

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Your poem does a good job of showing us how it feels when a person is going thru loss. I like the idea of using unusual ways to describe the sensations, such as in the title. I like the line about travelling like a gypsy to follow this other person's heart. But in a few places, the phrases you use are cliché & overused to the point where your poem could sound like the other ten million love poems ever written. "Cry like a river" . . . "rock that keeps me steady" . . . these things have been said too many times in love poems. I encourage you to use new metaphors, craft new out-of-the-box ways to show how it feels. The three very similar lines: "It was all you . . . always going to be you . . . always be you" -- to me, this sounds so "blah" . . . just a repeated refrain of empty desperation. I know this is how people do feel when they lose someone, but I still encourage you to try to say such things with more originality, more details to help the reader actually see & feel this person the narrator is missing so much. Right now, I only see desperate longing, I don't even get a sense of why he was so important to her. It's not that your poem is so badly written, it's a fine poem, but not remarkable. It's just that there are too many poems written about vague, unexplained longing & I find it very forgettable. The best writing is detailed & specific & original. I'd love to see you develop more in these ways.

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Strong and powerful words for love.
"And it is always going to be you
It will always be you
Until I find a new always"
The above lines were very good. I felt the longing and sadness in the words. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Kenzie,

I found the title for your poem. It will soon be arriving soon in the mail :)
I really loved it though. Really pretty.

Sincerely,
C. Lee Battaglia

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Oh to care so much for someone that you become a part of them regardless of whether they care in return. Great topic, if you have not suffered this condition then you have had a relative or friend who has experienced it. You did a good job writing about the human condition, emotions and feelings make for a great writing exercise, they sharpen your skills and creativity. Bravo! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

thank you.... i needed this, can't say for what, after reading this, i felt accomplished; as if i appreciated something someone did along while back and i just remembered by reading this poem; really intriguing write!

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on April 17, 2016
Last Updated on May 3, 2016

Author

K.M
K.M

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About
I am trying to write my own poetry book... so I need some serious feedback (: All of my poems are about things that have happened to me or people in my life. I hope you guys like my poetry. more..

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