Makes any Sense?

I feel something. I feel something inside. I feel something scratching, tearing at my insides, tearing me apart to get out. I feel that it is something really very evil. I am afraid of that 'something'. Or perhaps, that's only me.

We all know stories about the man's two part right? One part was good, and the other was evil. The two battle it out until the good wins. This is how we know the story goes. But my story is turning out to be a little bit different.

I always have been good. I never realized that I had a bad part at all within me. The evil part, you know. I've never really went to battle with it. But gradually, as I grew up and faced the realities, the horrors, the truths in this world; I started to feel it inside me. Clawing at my insides, daring me to battle with it. And I went in, battled with it, subdued it, and went on with my struggle called life.

So, my life has been a constant struggle. We all know this struggle, the battle called life. And I had to battle with myself at constant intervals. And every time I did, it became more and more difficult to beat, to subdue, to let it lie in peace. It started to resurface again and again, very often.

I wonder where it draws its strength from. Because if we go with the logical facts, it should have been given up on me, trying to overthrow my 'good' part and rule me for 'evil'. Makes any sense?

But surprisingly, it did not quit. It is strange that I call this bad part me, and I am human. And humans always give up, sooner or later. But the me, I mean the me inside of me, that has been trying to tear my insides up for so many times, should had quit by now. It should have known that I will never allow it to take over me. I'll call this 'me' part 'it', so it does not become confusing more than it just did in the above sentence.

So, I started to look around for the source from which it was getting its strength. Was it because I worked so hard and got no appreciation for what I do? Instead all I get daily is some s**t that I have not done and is framed on me? Is that's where it is getting is strength from? Because every time that happens, I feel it, in my insides, egging me on, trying do dare me, dare me to say something, do something, to do something rash, like killing myself in an accident. Thinking back today, I didn't slow down as I raced through the busy roads, zigzagging through the traffic. Normally, I never drive like that. I felt that it was there inside me. It was making me do that.

Or does it get its strength from my depression from my academic life? Coz if it does, then it'll be big, as I get mightily depressed for my studies, my failure to succeed again and again and again academically. It'll feed on my depression like a leech feeding on blood. Sometimes when I take a stroll on my apartment rooftop and sit on the edge, staring down at the traffic below, and then I feel it again; egging me on, daring me to jump from my lofted position, calling me names like coward and chicken. I don't jump though, but it does cause me a sick feeling in my stomach and heart and lungs, as if it is there, kicking on my insides, hoping that I'll fall down; just like a child pushing a train's inside body as he's on it. He does not succeed until the train starts to move. But I don't move.

Or it draws its strength from the visible lack of my social circle? I cannot say for sure about that, but I don't have many friends. I have a very limited social circle. But I have the gift, the luck of having only few, but very good friends in my life. So, I don't think that'll be a place from where it gets it strength from.

Now I'm sitting here, trying to figure out what is it, that gives my 'good' side, me, the strength to live on? To keep fighting? Not to give up? Not let any of the 'downs' in my life affect me? How do I find the strength to keep looking for the 'ups' in my life? I have been thinking about this for a long, long, very long time and I think perhaps that there is something, and only one thing, which my 'good' side, the real me here always get my strength from. I like to call that thing: !!HOPE!!

MAKES ANY SENSE?

Author's Note

I thought this wil fall into the Genre of "Stupidity", but there wasn't an option. So I'm putting this over here, so you know. See if it makes any sense to you

Reviews

[Bhavya Kaushik]

This is very raw , but raw in a good sense :)
We all have that double sided personality and inside every conscious lie a person whom not everyone of us know :)
But here you have tried your best to describe that sense of complexity which we all face...
I agree that the plot is very strong and it is such a subject to write upon!
Overall, its a good write but still there's a chance for improvement :)

[Starting Over]

I LOVE THIS! I can realate to this is is crazy but I love it and love you!