Your Love for a Life

Behind smiles there was happiness

Behind tears there were sorrow

...

Give me a glimpse of madness and fear

Your love for a life to borrow

Reviews

[NoblePariah]

This has a good sound, but my only wonder is the overall takeaway from it; the first stanza shows the emotions behind the actions, yet I feel those are already well known aspects, so I wasn't sure if it was the speakers emotion or if it was some sort of sarcasm. If there was happiness, what is there now, is that the madness and fear?

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

Nice use of couplets, Khaled. :)

But perhaps it can be more effective if you will state the first two lines in contradictions like the two opposite things in each line:

"Behind smiles there is sorrow
Behind tears there is happiness."

We really know that when we cry and there are tears, we are in sorrow and that's not a hidden feeling so no need to use the word "behind", if that's the case.

Anyway, this is a suggestion, my dear. I know that you have your own reason for using the lines. Smile :)

[Khaled A Khunaifer]

I had that idea, but struggled with rhythm

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

Rhythm or rhyme? If it's rhyme and you intended to have sorrow at the second line then it could be
"Behind tears there is happiness
Behind smiles there is sorrow."

Ah, hahaha. I am too concerned with this 4-line poem because it's really nice. I hope you won't mind. I am an honest friend and I just tell my suggestions. But I am also the one who understands the stand and the right of the author. Go follow your heart in writing. My friend, this is my smile for you :)

[Khaled A Khunaifer]

That's why I then used past tense to refer to what was once but no longer .. the first line is actually "behind smiles there was happiness, but no more" .. then I omitted "but no more" since it'll be obvious through the tragic image

thanks for the comments

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

You're welcome. And thanks for the honesty, too. Maybe I am just in the mood to have conversation here. Lol. :) Okay, it's getting late for me. Sleeping time for me. Happy writing and take care. :)

[VALORMORE DE PLUME]

The words are few and simplistic, yet I feel there is a riptide in this poem that continues to drag the reader out to sea. I take the third line to imply a desire to look more deeply into the true person behind the eyes. The fourth line - I take as dissatisfaction with individual reality as it is percieved and projected through the eyes, as opposed to the greater reality of truth... Perhaps my view is clouded by the desire to make meaning live in your words.

[Khaled A Khunaifer]

Thanks Val