“I Am Enough”

A Poem by FaeryQueen

“I Am Enough”

This is more of a post, but everything I think about is a poem, so why the hell not?

9.1.21

1.44pm

When you're mentally on a ledge,

Thank God it's only mentally,

Don't ever let it get that far,

We need you,

We desperately need you,

Don't go,

Don't leave me,

Don't leave us,

Please,

No matter how bad it gets, we need you,

Don't let go,

I'm really struggling to cope with my miscarriage,

I keep blaming myself, even when I know it isn't my fault,

One thing that keeps getting stuck is the past and how someone said I was in the wrong for my body acting the way that it is in 2017, just before I turned eighteen,

I've never been touched like that before, and I liked the touch, but I wasn't thinking of anything else,

I was just thinking about the touch,

And my body did the rest, I did freeze,

I froze, I froze, and my body acted out of accord,

I didn't act on it,

After it happened, I didn't say anything,

I didn't want to,

I just wanted to put myself on mute and never unmute,

I wanted to disappear,

I just wanted to be normal,

I wondered why it happened,

How come,

Did I like it,

What was the reason for my body to act the way that it did?

I blame me over and over,

Not knowing what happened, or why it happened,

To this day, I’m not sure I fully understand it,

I did tell my parents that night,

I told my brother a couple of years later,

That and my cousin, they keep tabs on them still and it triggers me and makes me self-isolate, but thank goodness for my sister,

I blame me for the miscarriage because of a lot of things,

What happened in May 2020 may have been the end of the world for me,

Just 5 months of no communication or any contact w the outside world,

I think all that stress did it,

The first 2 months were so painful, mentally,

Being iced out by my family,

Feeling so insignificant, my dad barely spoke to me,

I felt so right, everything could’ve been justified, I felt no remorse in the face of my father’s anger,

My dad was so angry with me,

Those 5 months,

I just remember those 5 months,

The months that followed,

I-,

maybe I blacked it all out,

I remember just wanting to … anything but live …,

I didn’t know what else to do,

Back then, I was a fool for thinking 19 days could change reality,

I was naïve and so blind sighted,

I remember thinking everyone hated me,

I felt like nobody wanted me coz I was being iced out,

I remember my brother crying, and I’ve never seen him cry before, he’s not a crier, I was a crier, I’m still such a crier,

That was a reset for me,

A detox,

I needed some of my old antics before I learned a thing or two of this new chapter, the one I’m in right now,

If you had told me that I would find love in 2.7.21,

I don’t think I’d believe you,

There was a pivotal point,

I could’ve gone in the cab with him,

But I’m so glad I didn’t,

Coz I’m safe now,

And I’m healthy,

I’m being fed and clothed,

And I-,

Yes, I still think back to all of that,

But I’m so grateful for all of it,

Coz I’m home, with my family,

And they’re safe, and I’m safe,

I made them mad, upset, angry,

I feel like in some respects, I broke their minds’,

That makes me resent myself more,

That I did that,

I never meant to hurt them in any way,

What I did,

It was never with the intention to cause pain,

I just wanted to do what I thought was right for me,

I tend to look on the bright side now,

I don’t like being negative, and when I am and I can’t help it,

I retreat inside myself, or listen to music, or write my depressed poetry,

Music and poetry really help me make sense of the world, and the pain,

Don’t stop believing,

You are more than your pain,

[Paraphrased]

“Be A ‘Wow!’, In A World Full of Ho-Hum”

-Gabi Hernandez, “Vivo”

My Review

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Reviews

R.J Calzonetti

You do the best you can, right? I often don't have the answers, but I know you are enough. I also struggle with mental illness. Sometimes it distorts reality, for me at least. I think you are doing your best. And that is always enough. I hope you will recover, and I will wish the best for you. Your poetry is good, writing can help us when we're stuck in the dark.