A JOURNEY TO FORGET

The chapters of this novel seek to give the reader a greater insight on the life of young Ms. Fray who was abused as a child. The events in this story are a mixture of drama, romance, faith, pain and

A JOURNEY TO FORGET

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

To the one who taught me how to love ©

AUTHOR’S NOTE

My great-grandmother was a great story teller, a teacher and a wonderful writer. I always wanted to be just like her when I grew up. “Everything is possible with God, never say you can’t,” my great-grandmother, Ms. Ivy would say whenever I tell her “mi naah and I can’t” I was very shy but because of her I was also a very bold and outspoken child.

I have been writing from the age of six but before writing I would make up these wonderful stories and tell them to my teddy bears whenever I was playing school with them. I remember writing my first story in grade one for my teacher Mrs. Dehaney and my first poem in grade two, Mrs. Rodney’s class. At a tender age I knew that writer would be my second love.

 It is fair to say that My great-grandmother is my motivation; she is the reason I write. Mama Ivy was my first teacher and her passion towards me molded me into the young lady I am today. I pray that she is in heaven beaming with gladness because I have made her proud. I kept saying “I can’t” but she kept reminding me that I could and today I believe that I can. 

CHAPTER ONE

The First Kiss was Never the Sweetest

 

So, I got out of bed this morning feeling a little better than I did yesterday. I said a little prayer and started to get ready to see my psychiatrist, that was ironically recommended by my gynecologist. She believes that I have been hurting myself, deeming me to be crazy, only if she knew the life time of torture that I have been through, then she would be able to understand the scars on my body and the severe damage to my reproductive system. “sighs” I don't feel comfortable talking to Dr. Downs but, I really need to let my anger out. For God sake, I am only twenty-three and I really need to break away from my past.  I wish someone would take the time out to try and understand me instead of assuming I am crazy. I took a shower and forced my tangled hair into a messy bun. I stood in front of the mirror to look at my round face, fixated on it with my big brown eyes; I examined it from cheek to cheek as I did each morning wishing I was ugly enough to go unnoticed by the world of men. I guess I stood there for a while lost in my eyes and hating myself more than I did the day before. I guess I spoke too soon I woke up feeling worse than I felt yesterday. Why did I even bother to pray? Is there even a God listening to me when I pray? I need to snap out of this or I will be late for my appointment. I started out in my little blue car; the roads were clear but I crawled slower than a snail the entire way. I felt demotivated to live and I just wanted to die. I was so lost in my thoughts, I did not realize the old lady trying to cross the road, and I almost became a killer on top of all my craziness. I stepped on the brake sharply as I heard the expletives coming from her mouth as she continued to scramble across the street. I watched her as she walked down the side walk before I drove off. Finally, I have reached my destination. I forced myself out of the car after parking it at the back of the six-story building and would you imagine Dr. Downs office is on the 5th floor. I hate elevators and I hate heights! I just hate coming here! As I entered the building, I was greeted with a warm smile from the security guard and the lady at the front desk. 

“Good morning Ms. Fray.” they both said.

Good morning, I am here to see... “Yes, Ms. Fray I know, you have been coming here for the past three months there is no need to repeat yourself just sign the log book and go on up.” I did just that and walked to the elevator wishing I could just magically appear in his office without getting into the damn thing! I pressed the button and quickly walked in, watching closely as the door closed behind me and I pressed the button to the 5th floor. My heart began to pound even harder than before as I was on the verge of having a panic attack, surprisingly I was on the 5th floor and the doors of the elevator opened to let me out. I bolted out of it faster than Mr. 9.5 Seconds, tripping and falling to the floor like Goliath.  I heard someone laughing in the distance, and I just wanted to die, and I laid there and closed my eyes. The laughter was now over me and I was even more embarrassed; I wish I could evaporate from the surface of the floor. “Need a hand?” the jerk asked. “No! I am fine!” I didn't see the need to take his hand because he was still laughing at me. He held my hand anyways as he pulled me up, and for a few seconds I was lost in the beauty of his face then suddenly I snapped back to reality and pulled my hand away from him. “I am sorry for laughing but that was really funny the way you ran out of the elevator. You are so cute when you are afraid.” Was he flirting with me or something? I sure as hell wasn't interested or at least that is what I thought. “Hmm it's ok I can't kill you for laughing. Thanks for the help. Bye.” I could feel him standing there, watching me as I walked down the hall towards the doctor’s office. I just wish he would stop looking; I felt so uncomfortable knowing that he was still watching me. I took a glance at him as I knocked and opened the office door and there he was smiling back at me “I know your name Ms. Fray, I am Damion by the way” with that said I forced a smile before walking in and closing the door behind me. I stood at the door for a second trying to figure out where I had met him before but my mind was too busy to try and place his face. I turned around to see Dr. Downs with a puzzled look on his face but he bothered not to ask.  “Hi Dr. Downs, I am sorry for keeping you waiting,” I said with my overly depressive voice. 

“Hello, Ms. Fray, there is no need to apologize it's good to have you today shall we continue with our counselling session, picking up where we left off last week Thursday?” “ok, I guess” I was once again lost in my own mind trying to analyze the face I had seen earlier. I did not hear Dr. Downs calling my name almost ten times. “Ms. Fray...are you still with me?” He came over to me and touched me gently on the arm. I jumped from the seat frightening him as well. He shook his head and sat back down. “I am sorry sir there is just so much on my mind today.” He started to write in that big black book of his, that had my name written on it. “Shall we begin?” he asked once again. I guess I should just continue I thought. My mind is so jumbled today I just hope I’ll be able to feel better after these three hours of counselling. 

I remember walking home from primary school that day. I was in grade two at the time. I walked past my grandma’s school to go home; it was open, but I went home because I knew they were probably having a meeting or something of importance. I remember walking up the hill and my heart grew heavy and the atmosphere grew thin. I could not see what was behind the blue topporling that was hanging down on the veranda and that scared me. I walked into the yard as slowly as I possibly could praying that I would see my grandma coming closely behind me up the hill. My prayers were not answered in my favour, but out of fear I was unable to turn back, I continued to walk. I walked up the stairs and onto the veranda; there he was a 6 feet 3 inches black, ugly, giant frog sitting in his chair pretending to read the Bible.

“Good evening granddad,” I said softly.

“Good evening baby, you are so sweet, come and sit on papa's lap”.

I quickly glanced at the road behind me and I tried to take a step back, but I was already too close to him and he held on to my hand. My heart started to beat like an out of tune conga drum as he grabbed my hand even tighter, and firmly placed me on his lap. No one could see us from behind that blue topporling and I hated the topporling for being there. “Kiss me,” these words brought tears to my eyes because I knew he didn’t want to talk to me about my day at school. “Stop behaving like you don't want to,” as he forced his tongue in my seven-years-old mouth. A mouth with innocent lips that had never been kissed like that before. I cried because I was so confused and I did not fully understand what had happened.  “This will be our little secret you hear; you know grandpa loves you”. He placed me to stand and told me to go into the house. I slowly went into the house and ran through the back door; straight down the hill I went. I ran right into the middle of the meeting smiling, as I jumped into my grandmother’s arms and the parents laughed at my actions. At that moment I realized how good I was at pretending to be OK. The parents noticed that I was unbothered by their laughter; so, the meeting continued. I never told my grandma what happened and I don’t think I ever could. I was too afraid, afraid that she would confront him and he would hit her the way I’ve seen him done before.

You know Dr. Downs; I would probably describe my actions as being kissed into silence. I became so reserved, and my grandfather kept telling my grandma that I was only being dark, wild and foolish. He knew I was afraid of him and he knew that I was too afraid to tell on him; so, he tore me down each day with his words. Forgive me if I'm not the easiest patient to handle, it’s just that sometimes I see him sitting there in your chair instead of you. I see the reactions on your face, I know you don't know what to say but it’s OK. If I were you, I wouldn't know what to say to me either. “Ms. Fray I must say that you have been very open today; however, our session is over. I'll see you again same time next week and try to be on time. I noticed the bags under your eyes while you were talking, which means you're not sleeping very well. I’ll write you a prescription for doxepin, which will help you to sleep better at nights.” He handed me the prescription and I left his office feeling a little better than I did on my way there. Walking towards the elevator door the only thing that crossed my mind was Damion, I felt like I had seen him before... Maybe I am crazy, and Damion was just a figment of my imagination and the person laughing at me this morning was only my inner self. Maybe I am not crazy and he is indeed real and somebody does notice me enough to even know my name. When he held my hand this morning, I felt so warm and happy on the inside. I have never felt comfortable around men; so…, what am I even saying? I need to snap out of it. I'm very sure after this elevator ride, I'll be shaken back into reality. I pressed the button for the elevator and watch it open before I walked slowly on the inside, pressed the button that said first floor and watched the doors as the closed. I was on the first floor and out of the elevator before my fears kicked in, I guess I was too distracted by the thought of him, Damion, that guy. “Sighs”. I walked to the front desk signed the book as I told the receptionist and security to have a nice day and funny enough I did it with a smile. They both replied with a puzzled look on their faces, because I have never done that before. Smiling was never really my thing, but I guess I was in a good mood. Don’t ask, I find it hard to understand myself just like you do.

CHAPTER TWO

Nightmares

I can’t stop thinking about Damion; I keep wrapping my mind around his slender, British face completed with beautiful, dark brown eyes, not to mention his tall, thick locks that caressed his shoulders. He was a sight to see, he reflected the perfect embodiment of my chocolate, caramel, dream guy.  Where have I seen him before, I kept searched my mind for answers and came out unsuccessful, yet again. I almost bumped into my car because I was so lost in my thoughts. It’s time to go home to a mind of unsolved hurt and a lonely house. I thought to myself. I am not very fond of having company, I don’t think I’ve ever had a close friend. I really do contradict myself though, as I’m not very fond of being alone either. As I had said earlier today, don’t ask, I find it hard to understand myself as much as you do. I hope that as my story continues to unfold you will be able to understand me even better that I do. I think I might stop by Sara’s Bar and Grill to get a bite to take home; I’m really not in the mood to cook tonight. I guess I spoke too soon I felt as horrible as I did yesterday. Happiness hasn’t quite found me yet but I still have faith that it will one day.

....... TO BE CONTINUED

Reviews

[Farhan Shaikh]

It's worth my time.. looking forward for more

[Kimiko Watson]

Thank you. very soon