Deep Down Inside

This is how I feel mainly about what could change my life if I had been born differently.

Dear friends,

I am writing this note to let you know that me and life are not getting along well. I try my best to keep a smile on my face only to have it knocked off the next minute. I can't take having to deal with kids that don't wanna respect me but they'll respect the stupid and unworthy ones. I can't stand being sad all the time. I try to block out the things that make my heart ooze with pain but no matter how hard I try it always come back to haunt me. My name may start with a D but depression isn't the meaning of it. Getting rid of something that doesn't belong isn't easy and neither is getting exactly what you want. We all want something out of life as if to fulfill a lifelong dream, or just a simple task. We all want money, love or even happiness but we can't have it unless we make some changes in our life. I want to make some changes in my life, but to me it's to hard. Laying off of chocolate and sodas so my face can clear up is hard. Trying not to lose my appetite so quickly is hard. Trying not to hate everybody over one little thing is hard. All children are beautiful huh? Yeah right. Probably in my eyes and in everyone else, I'm one of the ugliest girls at this school. I'm no where near attractive. The only thing pretty I find about myself is my hair, my eyes, and sometimes my hips. Other than that I could easily pass as an E.T.

Everyday I walk into school I always feel the need to cry my eyes out, or throw my fist through a wall, or just get away from society for a while. You know to get myself to think more clearly than usual. Every week I go through the same sad crap and I'm sick of it. I see things that I know isn’t gonna make my day. I see images that don't turn my frowns upside down. I want to kill myself sometimes whenever one little thing pisses me off. I want to show the people who pissed me off how mad I am and what they did to make me that way. They don't understand what I have to got through everyday. How I feel; what I feel. Yet they still choose the time of day to make me wish I had never been born. The only reason they choose to mess with me is because I'm not pretty or popular. If I was I'd have anything my heart desired, but the real question is “What does my heart desire?” If someone did ask me that it wouldn't take much to write on a piece of paper. Even a Genie could make my dreams come true. I write poems about what I want but no one seems to understand what I'm trying to say. I want three things in life right now. I want to be pretty, popular, and loved.

I want to be pretty because all the pretty girls are treated differently from girls like me, a common reject. They get all the attention, all the cute boys, and basically anything they want. It makes me mad to see them get the good life while I struggle to keep my balance in this world. Once in my life I was actually the class clown, the social butterfly, the one everyone wanted to be around because I was somewhat cool to them, but now that I've gotten older I've had more worse days than the ugly duckling. Ever since I've gotten older my hair has been falling out, my face and my body has been breaking out, and I look like a freaking flamingo. But do you know how different my life would be if I was pretty? I'd have all the boys at my knees begging for every shred of my attention. They'd dump their girlfriends just to have a walk on the wild side with me. I'd be something something for them to cherish deep inside their hearts instead of like a used condom being thrown away by the second. I wouldn't just be some pretty girl. I'd be a friend. It's not that I can't do it now. It's just that sometimes I feel like I can't be friends with most people because of the way that I look or the way that I dress. I have a face full of acne, and she has a face clear as day. I have a tall, weird body, and she has all the curves in the world. I have an uncomfortable version of the way that I walk, and she can keep her head up while she's walking to someplace. Unlike me. Similarities like that just don't belong together. It's a split between nerdy kids and cool kids. It's hard to break a cycle when it's already going so smoothly. If I was attractive I could possibly change the cycle. I could change the things people think about me, what they say about me, the way they look at me and maybe that will get me into the popular world.

Many people say that being popular isn't what its cut out to be but what would they say if they lived a life where their only known as a misfit of society. They wouldn't have an answer at all. They'd say things that probably isn't true. Like they have it rough at home and they just hide their pain until the day is over with. Some may do have a crappy life at home but most of them choose to have it bad by screwing it up with certain, but complicated things. Like drugs, sex, or baby mama drama. Others just simply have it good. Pretty, popular, and smart. It seems to hard to believe that you could actually have all those characteristics. Well it can't get any more confusing than what your thinking.

So let's see. We've got pretty, popular, and the last one is to be loved. What is love to be exact? It's difficult to answer but not that hard to show. Love comes in different varieties. Friendships, Relationships, and Marriages. Love is the missing piece to my puzzle, the lost link to my pass code, and the key to my heart. Love is something hard to explain. Something I know, not from experience but from observation and imagination. I observe how couples get along and I imagine what it would be like to have someone stand by my side when the good girl inside of my goes bad and the fire that burns inside of me fills itself with joy. If you ask me Love is someone who who wakes me up in the morning with something already cooked just for me. Love is someone who fill all the little holes in my heart with serenity, and sincerity. Love is someone who wipes away the tears that I shed and bring in a brighter day. Love is someone who can make me feel pretty even in the mornings when I have bed head. Love is someone who can make me feel popular the more and more he talks to me and brings out the inner me, and Love is someone who can just come out and tell me that there is nothing special about the things that I just listed. Love would say 'Your special regardless. Looking different from everyone else is special, acting different from everyone else is special, and having the guts to tell me that you want things that can't even compare to the girl who describes herself as the weirdo next door is special. I don't know what you were thinking, but man were you wrong. I hope you realize that you don't have to change anything about yourself just for people to like you. They should like you the way that God made you. You just stick to being you and sooner or later people will start to think the same thing your thinking.

I'm special the way I am.

Author's Note

:)))))

Reviews

[Karla Bardanza]

You are special the way you are. I wasn't a popular girl. Guess I wasn't beautiful either.I spent most of my life living under a dictatorship and I learnt that freedom can be as important as love. I started writing to release my pain. It was very difficult to live in that time. Dont want to remember what happened because it hurts.What you feel, my daughter feels too and I felt too when I was your age. We all feel weird and not accepted but the moment we realise that we dont need to be accepted but respected, life gets better. You will find out some day. I wish you all the very best.

[Becky]

I agree with everyone else; you're special the way you are. Honestly, everyone has the potential to be all of those things. It's all about confidence. I am very self-conscious, and I hate talking to new people and stepping out of my comfort zone. However, I've learned that confidence is easy to fake. When you leave the house in the morning, think to yourself "I'm pretty, I can be popular, I can do this." It really works. I used to be popular, and then I decided it wasn't worth it at all because most of the popular people are only popular because they're too stupid to realize there's more to life. Now I only have a small group of good friends. The unpopular ones are the ones who go far in life because they know what it's like to have it tough.

Just be yourself. Others want to hang out with someone who is comfortable with themselves because it makes them feel comfortable with who they are. Also, going into high school, you meet other people who are like you. Everyone talks about high school drama, but for me it was definitely worse in middle school. I tend to live by the quote, "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

Okay. I'm done ranting. :)

[Tamelia Jade]

Someone told me once, you can only be you because no one else will. And it's true. What you bring into this world, no one else can. So thank-you for sharing your thoughts. You engaged me and the flow was lovely and you managed to get your feelings across perfectly.
Really awesome, thank-you :)

[Natasha]

The most vital part of a writer is having the ability to not only express emotion, but to hold the reader captive within every line. You've done this seamlessly. This letter possesses not only your essence, but grabs the essence of the reader as well. This is a beautiful composition. Absolutely beautiful.

[Kitty Robinson]

I don't exactly know what to put in this, what I think is, a rectangle. So I'm just gonna create a bunch of smiley faces and hope that means something to you. :)
:) :) :). Awwwww, that is so beautiful.