The Town

A very, very short descriptive piece.

      A sound struck the hideous silence. The droning toll of bells echoed through the town. Hollow. Muted. Dead.

       But in the fog, the retched mist that had engulfed it, the entire town seemed this way. There was no more lively conversation, no more friendly waves from across the street. All of its people had fallen silent. And the town itself, shrouded in its mists, was listless and dead.

Author's Note

Correct, critique, advise~! Tell me what you think :D

Reviews

[byPatKeegan]

Not necessarily a critique, but a lesson i learned a couple of years ago. I was told (for good or ill) that you generally want to avoid telling your reader something is going to happen (or happened) before it actually does happen.

In your first paragraph you mention a sound breaking the silence then you tell what the sound is.

It might flow differently if it was something like "The droning toll of bells echoing through the town shattered the hideous silence".

Again, i'm not saying anything is right or wrong, it's just one tidbit i picked up. Usually, when i recognize that i've told the reader something was going to happen before it actually happened i end up just playing with the idea, rewriting, trying a few ways to express it and 9 times out of 10 i end up using a new version.

For example, if i said:

"Jessica had a terrible thought. What if David was really the killer?"

I told you something happened before it actually happened. I gave you a heads up, which is generally a no-no in fiction...

It could be re-written to something like

"Could David be the real killer? How could she possibly bear the truth?"

Slightly different i didn't let my reader know something bad was going to happen (having a terrible thought) before it actually happened (the thought).

Not a big deal, just something to consider.

Anyway, i like the imagery, and it definitely grabbed my attention. I would have read more :)

[Kaitlyn]

:) Thank you very much!

I really appreciate the advice. It's always awesome to learn new things, especially about writing. Thank you, I'll definitely use that!

I feel like what I have is okay, though, being as it's purely description, and it's not really meant to build any kind of suspense.

But in any other context, you're right. :D

Thank you so much for sharing!

[Decanter Red]

Okay...here I am again! Poof with fairydust!

Since you mentioned it should be very short, I'm not going to comment on the length, but it certainly has potential to be turned into something greater. :) Very alive, thanks to the appropriate word choice and contrastt.

"And the town itself, shrouded in its mists, was listless and dead."

Absolutely EPICNESS O_O what more can i ask for?

[Kaitlyn]

:)
Hahaha, fairydust, huh? Well that sounds like a convenient way to get around!

I've actually tried adding to this, and nothing I've done turns out any good. :) I haven't given up hope on it yet, tho.

Haha! 'Very alive', lol, lovely wording, there. XD

Glad that you enjoyed it :)

[Decanter Red]

Yes, I did! :)

[T. Val]

I can picture the scene that I was reading perfectly. Good work Kaitlyn.

[Kaitlyn]

:) Thank you. That means a lot.