Maybe I Do

a prose about eating disorders

When you first start to lose weight,
nobody tells you it might go wrong,
that when you hit your perfect size,
you might still think you don't belong.

Sure, when you first start to lose,
they'll tell you to be careful,
but you believe that what your doing
will end in a weight that's tasteful.

But as the pounds come off
and the calories more restrictive
you'll start to wonder to yourself
how weight loss can become so addictive.

How could you possibly think
you'd be happy with your goal weight,
even after all the diet pills
and little food that you ate.

You assumed you'd be happy,
maybe even grateful and proud
but now the doctors are watching,
saying losing weight is not allowed.

So you sit in the cage
that you've built for yourself
idolizing the skinnier ones
that you've put on a pedestal shelf.

You see the thigh gaps and ribs
that by now you thought you'd have,
but it's not ever to be
and that makes you sad.

You can't lose anymore weight
because of the doctors warning,
so every time you're in the mirror
it's just another mood of mourning.

You're always comparing yourself
to a skinnier version of yourself,
you fantasize of being thinner,
being somebody else.

You can't seem to see
that you are skinny and thin;
can't open your eyes enough,
just can't seem to comprehend.

Your perception distorted,
seeing fat that's not there;
wondering if anyone would listen..
If you told the truth, would they care?

You're at your goal weight
but it's just not enough.
The scale says the same number
but you're sure you've gained a bunch.

It's illogical and false,
all perception is distorted.
All happiness fueled by weight loss
has quickly been aborted.

Now you spend your days obsessed,
counting calories and weighing food.
It's embarrassing to eat out,
asking about nutrition facts on the menu.

You don't know how to ask for help,
because you eat and you don't purge,
so anorexia and bulimia are out...
Yet in obsession you're still submerged.

It's hard when our society
emphasizes calories and health,
because there's a thin line between health
and absolutely losing yourself.

I lost myself in the calories,
in the numbers on the scale.
I've somehow let them define me,
thought I'd be happy, to no avail.

I lost myself in weighing food,
in googling calorie calculators,
all in the belief that I
was doing my health and self a favor.

But now it's disrupting my life
and I don't know what to do.
I don't have an eating disorder...
or maybe I do.

Author's Note

This is a poem I felt I needed to write, since I've been struggling with the fact that I may have an eating disorder.
Please let me know what you think.

Reviews

[BattleAxePirate]

It feels wrong to try and rate this piece of writing but I really don't know what to say. It touched me and connected somehow even though I'm not going through anything like that. I will say I'm chubby but I'm not fat. I'm still learning how to be happy with my weight- because I could be in much worse physical condition and I should be happy with where I am now but I just can't. I still look at my thinner friends and wonder why I can't look like that but I know I should just be happy with what I have. We have two different problems and I'm not going to complain about my weight because you're going through just as bad a problem as someone 200 lbs. over weight. I'm still not really sure how to express how I connect with this so I'll just have to settle for it's a fantastic piece of writing that expresses a side of weight problems people don't acknowledge as much as they do the other spectrum. And I'm glad that you are able to express what you're going through so that at least some people who see it will be aware.

[taboo.poet]

thank you :)

[BattleAxePirate]

you're welcome

[Sacha Davison]

This is beautifully written, seriously great job! It flowed great!

It's sickening that our society almost glorifies crash-diets and eating disorders by putting up unnaturally thin (and in my opinion, often atrocious looking) people in the media as pillars of the culture. That young girls will put their bodies through disastrous conditions just to look like the girl on the cover of the magazine. Many people in my life have fallen victim to these addictive eating habits that cause nothing but pain for the people who suffer through them and their families, as well. All people, of all body-types are beautiful in my eyes, as they should be in the eyes of everyone else.

[Andie]

This really hit home for me, since I guess you could say I have the warning signs? The poem was beautiful and well written. Thank you for writing it.

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

I actually adore this poem. Its rythme was spot on and the lesson it teaches is one I wish many young girls and boys would heed. the only thing i didnt like was one time in the poem you used yourself at the end of the sentence twice right after each other.

[Coyote Poetry]

My poor daughter ask me daily. To weight her. She had great concern for her appearance. I tell her. Look at the woman on TV. They are not all perfect. I told her eat the right foods. Won't be in good shape drinking pop and eating sweets all day. A poem based on real life. To have a fit body. Need the gym and hard work. The woman and men in sports are good examples. I was in the Army for 15 years. I had 20 pounds of muscle because we worked out daily. Today I need some gym time. Thank you for sharing the excellent poem.
Coyote