PRECIPITOUS WALTZ

PRECIPITOUS WALTZ

A Poem by kublakhan27
"

05 09 13

"
Natural light dies an imminent death
under heavyweight satchels of rain

Remnants of a few citrine rays
stubbornly endure like a thick
milk shake in a thin straw

White cotton women dilute
in accelerated shelter
leaving no solace of dessert
for the sweet teeth soured
by the needle viceroys
of Cain's salt acupuncture

Blue raincoats sigh in infamy
accepting their asphyxiated fate
on the shoulders of men who can't sing

or dance

© 2013 kublakhan27


Author's Note

kublakhan27
It just started raining...and I just started writing...


My Review

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Featured Review

You are unique. Very unconventional. Very few poets, great though they may be, give me so many pleasant surprises I go through their lines. Beyond a certain level, everyone can use metaphors and personification. But they can't necessarily make words talk the way you do.
"stubbornly endure like a thick
milk shake in a thin straw"
or
"Blue raincoats sigh in infamy
accepting their asphyxiated fate
on the shoulders of men who can't sing"
When I was about 12, my grandfather used to sit me down and make me read poetry to him. And he would also teach me how to appreciate poetry. He would point out words to me and say "See my lad, THIS word here is very important".
Along the same lines, I'll say the word "infamy" is very important. The word "asphyxiated" is very important. In the first line, the word "imminent" is very important.
It is touches like that, that truly lift a poem's standards.
Your rendering of rain might have painted a sombre picture, but it has given me a great deal of pleasure and satisfaction. Thank you! :)

Posted 10 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

kublakhan27

10 Years Ago

Thank you my friend, I always enjoy your unique and in-depth insights...that's a pretty cool story a.. read more



Reviews

Slipping inbetween the droplets in order to keep dry would be way too much work for me my friend. I have taken the liberty to read a few of the reviews below because this is an older piece and I must say, some of them have no idea what fun is. I have done many things in the rain and one of them is dancing. I love the rain. This reminds me of a day, not so many years ago when I was visiting someone I was very fond of on a rainy day. We were driving near the beach when we spotted a light house. A favorite song came on the rdaio, I can't recall exactly what it was right now, but I was something by Sting. I pulled the car over and we got out, leaving both doors open and danced in the rain to the song. Then, and I know you won't believe me, when the song was over I kissed her and as I did, the sun broke through a small fracture in the clouds and out just beyond the sand dunes appeared a rainbow. I will never forget that rainy day. And now I will not forget your wonderful and creative poem. Very well done and thank you for bringing that memory back to the forefront of my brain.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

kublakhan27

10 Years Ago

That is an amazing and touching story my friend, and I thank you immensely for sharing it. It makes.. read more
You took the impediment of in·an·i·mate objects, and lamented through them through the perceptive up and comings....You have such a gift with taking something so simple as a (feeling) a (vibe) and make it legible to a third eye bruised from too much insight to take equitable lightly ...amazing piece

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

kublakhan27

10 Years Ago

Many thanks again my friend for taking the time to read many of my works.
writing mojo

10 Years Ago

The pleasure is all mine. i enjoy your work thoroughly...in awe of your talent
The metaphors are unique and clever. Personification of the rain and the light is wonderful. Reading your words is like walking through a rainbow...seriously. So vivid! The raincoats have to realize no one really sings or dances in the rain.....sad, but true. Lydi**

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

kublakhan27

10 Years Ago

Your rainbow analogy makes me smile; I've never had my writing referred to that way before :) I knew.. read more
Lovely turn of phrase as usual , very descriptive a photographic moment.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

kublakhan27

10 Years Ago

Thank you Moon, your kind words are much appreciated as always.
And it is brilliant...that's my take.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

kublakhan27

10 Years Ago

My thanks again for the kind words, they truly mean a lot.
It's just how you turn a phrase or fix up the words. truly you're like a complex work of art with a mystical appearance just waiting to be studied and learned. Wonderful work friend :)

Posted 10 Years Ago


kublakhan27

10 Years Ago

People tend not to believe me when I tell them this, but I am hardly a natural when it comes to writ.. read more
quixotic_rose

10 Years Ago

You can call me Rose :) haha its my middle name anyways so this is acceptable! I'm hoping to get my .. read more
kublakhan27

10 Years Ago

Haha Very well :) You will have it soon, regardless of what else happens. And yes, I can't stress e.. read more
No singing in the rain. Hollywood myth, I believe. Great one, my friend.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

kublakhan27

10 Years Ago

Yeah Hollywood has never done much for me haha Thank you Pryde.
Remnants of a few citrine rays
stubbornly endure like a thick
milk shake in a thin straw

love that

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

kublakhan27

10 Years Ago

Thank you Taylor :)
Taylor H.

10 Years Ago

you're welcome :)
You are unique. Very unconventional. Very few poets, great though they may be, give me so many pleasant surprises I go through their lines. Beyond a certain level, everyone can use metaphors and personification. But they can't necessarily make words talk the way you do.
"stubbornly endure like a thick
milk shake in a thin straw"
or
"Blue raincoats sigh in infamy
accepting their asphyxiated fate
on the shoulders of men who can't sing"
When I was about 12, my grandfather used to sit me down and make me read poetry to him. And he would also teach me how to appreciate poetry. He would point out words to me and say "See my lad, THIS word here is very important".
Along the same lines, I'll say the word "infamy" is very important. The word "asphyxiated" is very important. In the first line, the word "imminent" is very important.
It is touches like that, that truly lift a poem's standards.
Your rendering of rain might have painted a sombre picture, but it has given me a great deal of pleasure and satisfaction. Thank you! :)

Posted 10 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

kublakhan27

10 Years Ago

Thank you my friend, I always enjoy your unique and in-depth insights...that's a pretty cool story a.. read more
This one is about me, right? I know it is, dancing, ha...you can't fool me with the rain. This is insanely great Steve! Love the third verse, it's killer. Short and potent, you've outdone yourself with this grand write, the muse shone upon your soul through the rain here. Love this, going right on the shelf! 100/100

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

kublakhan27

10 Years Ago

Haha I think I spike myself sometimes ;P
Frieda P

10 Years Ago

Ha yeah that too... ;-)
kublakhan27

10 Years Ago

;)

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550 Views
13 Reviews
Rating
Shelved in 4 Libraries
Added on May 9, 2013
Last Updated on May 9, 2013
Tags: light, dark, rain, stubborn, women, shelter, dessert, sweet, needle, acupuncture, lonely, depressed, fate

Author

kublakhan27
kublakhan27

Nova Scotia, Canada



About
My first book is out! Any comments that anyone may have to offer regarding my work would be deeply appreciated, as I'm yet to get a review. www.amazon.com/Waltz-Around-Swirls-Steven-Fortune/dp.. more..

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