CLARE

05 17 13

Angels, it is said, do not speak to those who win the earthbound lottery of visitations.  The one you used to call an angel offered no insinuation of a wrench of prayer, lurking in somebody's transcendental junk drawer, that could lineate the labyrinth that housed a winning strategy within its plumbing of inscrutable geometry.  You were rewarded for your warning of a last possible stint at your computer for a while with a wish that you'd enjoy the writing I had posted at your behest while I went for sugar.  Walked for sugar.  Nothing but a response to chase.  Was that what you were running from, with sparse hints of a weak heart, ruffled by nerves yet propped up at the same time by confidence in past procedures?  You worried for my mood and my relentless need for consolation just like everyone else keen enough to pull a slab of autobiography from my ever-measured musings like stray socks in a laundry pile.  Were you running from the same response that I allowed to trot so far in front of me and my sugar that I lost its form in my eyes, and with it, its relevance? You used to call me an angel.  You called yourself my Clare.  When I learned you were abandoned by the trick line of a malfunctioned heart and left to drown beneath the weight of sleep, I absolved myself of that assessment.  I threw it into my subconscious in the way I throw a crumpled idea into a recycle bin.  Now I long for affirmation of your insistence in my scraps likely besting what most people wrote in earnest.  And you need not even say a word. 

Author's Note

A rare prose-poem The theme is self-explanatory but I guess it came out
sounding more like self-pity. Great.

Reviews

[Paige H]

The strength of emotion held behind the words of this poem is evident. The words are calculated and you have clear control over the direction you wish for them to go while still allowing yourself to be fully expressive and to let yourself go, clearly documenting the frustration and intense emotions you feel. Great work!

[kublakhan27]

Thank you Paige, this is certainly one of the toughest things I've written in recent memory and I'm glad you were able to detect that balance between the literary and purely emotional aspects...I'm very glad you liked this one :)

[Paige H]

You're very welcome! Writing about your emotions can be difficult and you are certainly quite skilled at it :)

[kublakhan27]

:)

[Pax]

it's somehow a rant to me - but then again its what you felt about life itself, right? or im just talking about life again without bases...lol :) -- who, who is this clare, clearly you missed her... or so i say... either-way i felt pain & frustration - releasing it all in this write is better, than over pondering on it... great words my friend... hope your doing fine...

[kublakhan27]

Thank you my friend, I'm doing better now than when I wrote it...I wasn't angry but I can understand it coming across as a rant to some degree...just me thinking out loud more than anything...she was a dear friend of mine from dA, one of the first and only people I actually got to know when I first joined there many years ago, and one of the first to really take an interest in my writing...she was an amazing writer as well...it was definitely therapeutic to get it all out here though...I felt much better afterwards :)

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

Wow...I'm sublimely impressed, my friend. This was perhaps the most beautiful thing that I have read all day. Your word choice and decisions of phrasing were perfection, as though they were very well "calculated" :) I speak the truth, and have little else to say but this is perfection. Don't change a thing.

[kublakhan27]

Thank you Sarah, that means a great deal to me :) I did ponder over this one for quite some time...I really wanted this one to be right and I'm glad it resonated with you so much :)

[Muse]

If you were to write a letter for her to find the morning after...I imagine a written goodbye that leaves a punch.

I threw it into my subconscious in the way I throw a crumpled idea into a recycle bin. Now I long for affirmation of your insistence in my scraps likely besting what most people wrote in earnest. And you need not even say a word.


Did I say ouch? There is something about the closing that makes me feel the writer's pain...regret...it turns to sympathy. I found myself missing everything that you miss.
Bravo for making me feel what you feel...

[kublakhan27]

Thank you my friend, that means a lot to me :)

[Androglossia]

Everything that I need to say here has been said already. But I'd like to post an excerpt from it.

When we start blaming ourselves, we start asking "why". In order to veer away from that loop, we need to start constituting it with "because" so that everything will make sense. More often than not, the answer lies within us. Asking questions is our way of delaying the acceptance of truth.

Believe me, I didn't want to sound preachy again. But then again I'd like to shed some light rather than sympathy which will cause the feeling to linger within you longer than it should be.

It's amazing how suddenly one can take part of the universal conspiracy. Or should we call it universal plan? After all, we are but instruments waiting to do our part in this vast experiment.

Your emotion poured in to this write.

[kublakhan27]

It's okay my friend, I know where you're coming from on all fronts. I really just needed to get it out of my system...you're not being preachy at all...your words make me feel better as they always do...thank you :) xo

[Androglossia]

I'm glad they did :)

[kublakhan27]

:)

[Frieda P]

I can hardly review this since I know where it comes from, a place I visit quite often, my heart is crying, she would be proud of this graceful tribute in her honor. Simply lovely my sweet friend.

[kublakhan27]

Thank you Frieda, you're one of the few people I know who would understand this one right away...just as you can hardly review, I hardly know how to respond...thank you from the bottom of my heart xo

[Frieda P]

I know there are no words, there never are adequate enough ones. xo

[kublakhan27]

I never thought to mention this before, and I'm not sure why I'm mentioning it now since it'll probably just make you sadder, but I bawled like a baby when I finished this...I've never cried like that in a long time, even after losing Dad...so I know how a crying heart feels...xo

[Frieda P]

I think the sadness builds till it overflows...xo

[kublakhan27]

It does...it definitely does..xo