Why Even try

When you close your eyes, its a scary nightmare.

Couldn't move ahead or go back, things just descend.
If you find the right question, answer is right there.
Why even try, Why even try to mend.

In your story journey on the ship is with wrong people,
Clouds above feels warm, Colors are just pale,
If you could re-write whole story even though its simple,
Why even try, Why even try to Sail.

Where there's a dark spot, there's always a pain.
It was a mistake, glorious way to learn.
If you never loose, how will you feel the gain.
Why even try, Why even try to mourn.

Anything you touch may not turn into gold.
It will be late, If not too soon.
If not the Sunshine, You will be moon.
Why even try, Why even try to Change.

Reviews

[JayG]

Well, you did ask, so…

First, prosody:

S1L1 has six feet. S1 sets the reader’s expectations for the other stanzas. But:

S2L1 is hard to parse because it’s awkward and can be read multiple ways, but it’s always greater then six, no matter how you do. Remember, the reader can’t hear you read, so they can take only what the wording suggest to THEM.

S2L1 seems to be five. And so it goes. But the reader expects stanzas to be consistent so far as tempo and beat, and this is all over the place.

And I have no idea of why you abandoned rhyming in S4

As for the tale you tell, I think far too much of it remains in your head—called from your mind and obvious to you as you read. But for the reader, who knows none of the backstory, the setting, or the people? Is I already said, they have only what the words and structure suggest to them.And without you there to ask…

Look at a few lines as a reader must.

• When you close your eyes, its a scary nightmare.

When I close MY eyes that happens? Naaa. And, what’s a “scary nightmare” mean to me? Do you have any confidence that those two words bring the same concept to my mind that you intended them to bring? To one person a “scary nightmare” could mean being naked in public. To another it might involve rats. In another, hearing that their girlfriend is giving birth to a motorcycle.

In the end, and as an aside, is the word “scary” necessary? Isn’t the definition of nightmare a frightening dream?

And if the “you” who is closing their eyes is someone else than the reader, unless that reader knows who they are, where they are, and what’s going on in their life to CAUSE the nightmare, the line is the voice of someone we don’t know, talking about something happening to someone not introduced, so it lacks all context for the reader

• Couldn't move ahead or go back, things just descend.

Who couldn’t move ahead? And what does moving ahead relate to? Emotionally? On the job? And what are the things that descend? You know, so for you, who is guided by both knowledge and intent, this works. But you’ve given the reader neither, and they have no access to your intent.

Were I you, I might be cheering as I read. But since I’m not?

That’s why we need to write from our chair, but always edit from that of the reader who is apt to misunderstand and confuse easily. Someone a little stupid, like me. 🙄

Sorry my news wasn't better. But...well, you did ask.

[Kuldeep desai]

Well, i don't remember last time when someone reviewed my work with such intensity... May be i didn't think that much while writing, may be i wrote with boredom. It doesn't matter the best thing is you saw what i couldn't see. I am happy, feeling blessed to read everything that you have written, i don't learn from yes men, i learn from people like you. And please review everytime, Your news was better and made me happy.

[JayG]

For a really great overview of structured poetry, look at the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. I found it eye-opening.

[Kuldeep desai]

Thank you very much...... :)

[Coyote Poetry]

Easy, not to try. Harder to keep going forward.
" Anything you touch may not turn into gold.
It will be late, If not too soon.
If not the Sunshine, You will be moon.
Why even try, Why even try to Change."
The above lines. A dead-end. Thank you my friend for sharing your amazing poetry and your thoughts.
Coyote

[Kuldeep desai]

thank you :)

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome my friend.

[LylaCrystal]

At first glance, I sensed the message of giving up, but upon reading more in depth, somehow behind it there's the urge to keep trying. It's a fascinating oxymoron. Great job!

[Kuldeep desai]

i am glad that you have liked it.... Cheers... 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

[barleygirl]

The weird thing about your poem, I don't read it as a bleak message. This poem may be saying, on the surface, that there's no use trying (said over & over) but all the other lines feel more hopeful to me. I love contrasting feelings juxtaposed in a poem & this is how I read it. This is that voice in my head that tells me it would be easier to die than to live with the constant all-over pain I live with, and at the same time, there are other voices pushing me onward to make the best out of this life I can. Many people feel like quitting at the same time they are pushing thru horrendous challenges. Your poem expresses the realistic mindset of struggle (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Kuldeep desai]

thanks for all the observation and the way you have felt about my poem.....I am blessed to read your views.... thank you for stopping by...Cheers.... 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

[wordman]

a dream of your life as you feel it,you can always change a dream

[Kuldeep desai]

thanks for reading... Cheers 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

[wordman]

you`re welcome

[Wild Rose]

In dreams
To me it reads like my dreams things are all changing. bringing back memories
Who are they I try to gt close enough to see - they fade away - who were they - where did the go

They are all in dream land