Desire

A Story by lirique

This is not a story, rather my musings.

Why is it that people have a natural inclination to want what they can’t have? Is it the allure of challenge? The anticipation of the satisfaction we’ll feel after having achieved what was once thought to be impossible? Or is it to do with reverse psychology? Not letting others decide what you can and cannot have?

Whatever it is, sometimes, it really blows.

True, it has massive potential to drive people, motivate them to take action. The simple act of telling someone they’ll “never be good enough” for something can go two ways - 1. Completely destroy every shred of self-confidence they possess or 2. Cause them to spite the accuser by setting out to prove them wrong ie. Motivation. The source of this motivation may not be ideal (not even close), but hey it’s there, and it’s mighty powerful. It’s the positive impact of wanting something you are told you cannot have.

But there are negatives, oh boy oh boy there are negatives. When what you want has to do with people. When the “what” you want turns into a “who” you want. It is grossly dependent on the “who” and if not reciprocated, you’re no longer just told you cannot have it, it has been cemented, in capitals - YOU CANNOT HAVE IT.

And the obsession starts. It drives you nuts. You look for rays of hope to cling on to, feeding them in to the compulsive abyss that encapsulates your mind and letting it grow exponentially. In bleak periods, you turn to the history books, siphoning out fond memories for fodder. Thoughts of them have marked their territories, encompassing your brain. It is all consuming.

Eventually the inevitable happens. You start changing for them; start trying to alleviate any reasons for why they can’t be yours. Your attitude, your likes, your dislikes - it’s all at risk of undergoing a complete makeover, a dramatic change that comes about slowly and subtly. The few parts of your brain that survive all this and remain logical scream at you to stop selling yourself out, but the overpowering incessant desire for this person plays the devil’s advocate, justifies every choice, every change, until you are unrecognizable.

“This is just a different side of me, nothing wrong with exploring that”

“I’m finally honestly being my self, whatever I was before was just mask”

“It’s good to challenge myself and get out of my comfort zone”

“If I do this, I’ll be amazing in their eyes”

Pure bull - but boy do we love believing it. We obsess over every detail that “the person” says they want in a potential partner, and try to become that.

But of course, it does not work. The chance on them falling for you is bound to drop after they see you trying to be something that you’re not - it peels off any respect they may have had for you, layer by layer. And maybe you realize this, maybe you loose some respect for your self, and maybe you vow to detach yourself from this person as you are losing yourself in this obsession. Maybe you try to distance your self from them and you promise yourself that you’ll stop fighting for this lost cause, that you will let go. And maybe that all goes down the drain the minute they do one of the many things that made you fall for them in the first place. All too soon, you are again caught in their web.

It’s not entirely your fault either. They lead you on- directly, indirectly, knowingly, unknowingly. The possibility of it being real is so important, you all too easily let yourself be led on. Things they say propel you to theorize about what they could possibly be meaning to get across in between the lines of what they say.

“They called me to ask me about something they could have easily looked up " they were clearly missing me, and just looking for an excuse to talk with me”

“They asked me if I’ve had lunch yet - they care about me!!”

It’s a complete psychological farce. And it’s all because you can’t have them.

I wonder if tables were turned, if their world revolved around you, would you be even half as interested?