New Day

i don't know this is just a rough draft of me practicing to be more descriptive i guess.. with some of my own thoughts... hope my meaning can be understood. maybe not

Used up clay

of molded day;

water mixed with butter

in a bowl of cheap plastic rubber.

stirring and stirring with no avail, 

she digs deeper into the soft yellow butter

and cries more and more.

"maybe the butter could live to be my friend,"

she thinks shakily. 

"What was I suppose to do again?"

she thinks..

oh yeah, birthday cake for the family...

 

Author's Note

Feel free to critique please

Reviews

[.]

you wrote his with an free thought concept-
i really like the sort of subtle analogies.
it seems u r trying to mold a day and i couldn't
help but feel (& tell me if i am wrong)...
but u/ or the poem seems to be attempting
to mold/form the day of every one-
to form each person in the day that the writer
thinks the others seem to deserve, but in the end
of the piece the most important thing,
"she thinks shakily. "what was i suppose to do again?"
(she thinks..)
oh yeah, birthday cake for the family..."
~it seems there is an overwhelming feeling in this piece~
(sorry if this is off-just my take on it) -
a great mood/almost busy day-maybe even overwhelmed sense???
~I Hope :P ???~

[Frank F. Atanacio]

I actually loved it--the flow and pitch--Perfect

[Claude]

I like the topic choice of a routine chore as the backdrop. I I like your descriptive verbs and adjectives too. Nicely done!

[An owl on the moon]

There is such a dreamish feel to this, pondering the new day and all that's to come... I loved the vivid, drifting thoughts here.

[Dream Slave]

With the means of being more descriptive in mind, I think you did a good job with this. Walked the reader right through the details and painted a picture of stress, of having way too much in your plate and nobody really taking a listen, hence you ask yourself if the butter could live and be your friend. Take a moment... look from the outside in and shrug off all of that which seems like an unnecessary load.

[Wondering Mind]

Life can be frustrating to the point of tears, when the right mix is not there. Interesting and clever metaphor