"On the Palms of Venom"

"On the Palms of Venom"

A Poem by L.C. Jarrette
"

I pick my poison and its you - Rita Ora

"
My Saturn pricked from thorns
Blood red stains appeared
Drunk in all the pain 
In this deafening sphere
Lost inside this maze
Likely insanity's near
I grasped the rope so tightly
'Til I reached the atmosphere
The Polaris I'd gazed
Proved it unworthy
For the face of doom was released
Without delay
My voyage betrayed me
As I turn to port,
Pulse and heartbeat ceased
Blissful miss 
With a cyanide kiss
Hell!
That's what it is...
Never again will I touch thy lips,
Lest I will dive 
Holding hands with gravity.

© 2017 L.C. Jarrette


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Featured Review

ummmmmm.......you started off really well in the first two stanzas, but then you lost the musicality (particularly in lines 2 and 3 of Stanza 3.....Stanza 4 is fine, it has it's own little thing going on there, but 3 needs some tweaking). First off: you switch from past to present all over the place (pick a tense and stick with it! lol), and second: "that kept me navigate"? Nuh-uh, my friend, that don't make sense. you need a gerundive or an adjective here, and "navigate" is a verb, as far as I'm concerned.
You have a nice straggler for an ending, though, and that's some having grace. Good start!!

(p.s. "Until I reach atmosphere"....."Til I reach the atmosphere"....needs the "the" and the shortened "until" helps the musicality).

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

L.C. Jarrette

3 Years Ago

Tenses...urggh! i tend to struggle with that.lol. thanks. i'll have to review it again..
:)
Silente-Write

3 Years Ago

I agree, Em, sorry for not responding... Can not win with some people, because some have had LOTS of.. read more



Reviews

I'm not sure how this message connects with the title "venom" . . . and I'm not very good at reading poems that are not so straightforward . . . but all in all, I like your originality & your uninhibited way of describing this scenario in verse. There's some interesting wordplay with occasional rhymes -- nicely done.

Posted 3 Years Ago


L.C. Jarrette

3 Years Ago

Hehe...it's okay, but i like the title though...
:)
thanks for reading margie...
• My Saturn pricked from thorns

Hmm...so you drive a Saturn? Cool. Sorry to hear about the damage.

Not what you meant? I suspected as much, but since you provide no hint, and your intent for the line doesn't make it to the page, as a reader I have only what the words suggest to me, based on my experience and background, which probably don't match yours.

My point is that since there's no way for a reader to know what the words mean to you unless you provide context that's meaningful to that reader, you need to take the reader into account as you write, making them fall into your viewpoint, or by providing touch-points universal to our society, have context for the intended meaning.

When you say, "drunk "in" all the pain in place of "on" the pain I have no reference point, especially given that I don't know what hurts and why.

But you do know, so it works perfectly. Without it, though, one might be impressed with a line or a thought,but the totality of what you're going for—the poem—appears only to you.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Silente-Write

3 Years Ago

Regardless of some people just being firmly rooted in bad behavior and obscure negativity... You are.. read more
L.C. Jarrette

3 Years Ago

It's absolutely fine sir... i understand and i accept your apology. i hope we could all be friends h.. read more
Silente-Write

3 Years Ago

Aye, let us shirk the fools stagnant insanity, join together as one voice, and bring our joy to the .. read more
Amazing use of words.
"Pulse and heartbeat ceased
Blissful miss
With a cyanide kiss
Hell!"
I liked the above lines. A cyanide kiss. Pretty deadly my friend. Thank you for sharing the outstanding poetry.
Coyote

Posted 3 Years Ago


L.C. Jarrette

3 Years Ago

i like it deadly.lol...it was inspired by this deadly line from rita ora's song "poison"..(love that.. read more
Coyote Poetry

3 Years Ago

I enjoyed these words and you are welcome.
ummmmmm.......you started off really well in the first two stanzas, but then you lost the musicality (particularly in lines 2 and 3 of Stanza 3.....Stanza 4 is fine, it has it's own little thing going on there, but 3 needs some tweaking). First off: you switch from past to present all over the place (pick a tense and stick with it! lol), and second: "that kept me navigate"? Nuh-uh, my friend, that don't make sense. you need a gerundive or an adjective here, and "navigate" is a verb, as far as I'm concerned.
You have a nice straggler for an ending, though, and that's some having grace. Good start!!

(p.s. "Until I reach atmosphere"....."Til I reach the atmosphere"....needs the "the" and the shortened "until" helps the musicality).

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

L.C. Jarrette

3 Years Ago

Tenses...urggh! i tend to struggle with that.lol. thanks. i'll have to review it again..
:)
Silente-Write

3 Years Ago

I agree, Em, sorry for not responding... Can not win with some people, because some have had LOTS of.. read more

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Added on June 27, 2017
Last Updated on July 31, 2017

Author

L.C. Jarrette
L.C. Jarrette

Philippines



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